First off, movie reviews are not really my thing, probably because movies are not really my thing. I’m the kind of girl who if a guy approached me at a bar and asked if I wanted to casually go back to his place and watch a movie, I’d respond with a, “no thanks, I’m really just looking for sex”. Just kidding, but seriously I feel like I’m one of the only people who do not enjoy movies. Other people float out of the theatre with a glow around their heart to remain there until the next time they get to, once again escape reality into a world where love conquers all, the hero always defeats the villain, and the Cubs win the pennant (It’s never going to happen). I, on the other hand, leave the theatre feeling like shit about myself. People are doing amazing things all around the globe and all I did this week was color-code my closet and watch an entire season of Teen Mom.

Also, let me get something else straight. I am not a movie connoisseur and I do not pretend to be. I do not have my doctorate from film school; I don’t have an encyclopedia next to me of directors and their artistic styles. I don’t care to analyze lighting and camera angles. Basically I rate movies on one thing and one thing only: Was it time well spent? My time is valuable and anyone who took an Intro to Economics class in college knows that we have limited time and unlimited activities we can choose from. So at the end of a movie, if I feel like it was a waste of my time and I want to trade in my one and only soul to get those two hours back, or three or whatever (damn movies are long these days) then it gets a big “F”, or “Z” or a thumbs down, no stars, a rotten orange, you get the point. If I feel like it gave me something, any number of things; something to consider, something that made me think, an hour of joy and cheesiness, a new point of view, inspiration, anything worthwhile then this movie will receive a good rating from me. Now if you feel there is something I missed, and it’s worth bringing to my attention, go ahead and let me know. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 23 years on this planet; it’s that everyone, seriously freaking everyone and their mother, loves to give his or her opinion. But lucky for you, I, and pretty much only me, like to be proven wrong. Thanks for reading.

Spring Breakers 2013

It aches me to write a review on this movie mainly because it doesn’t deserve to steal one more second away from my life. Sitting through it was painful enough.

When I first saw the trailer for Spring Breakers I was intrigued. Mainly because I adore Selena Gomez, say what you will, and the movie had all the right credentials to be an awesome movie. Four attractive college girls, desperate to escape their small town and boring life, rob a diner to fund a spring break trip. Here they fall in love with a life that’s new and exciting and get mixed up in crime to maintain the lifestyle. This movie was labeled a comedy, as this ridiculous plot calls for, and of which I did not laugh one time.

I cozied in to my seat and tried to focus on the giant beer covered boobs being flashed on the screen as minors got kicked out of the theatre all around me. Good call, Selena Gomez’s PR team, picking this script considering the majority of her fans are 12 year-olds.

Anyway from the get-go I was already annoyed that they were using the gun shot sound like a sitcom uses a laugh track and I could tell there was no strong character development. The audience was not carried through an internal struggle with these characters. Every writer knows the basic equation of a story, be it the heroes journey, or a Catcher in the Rye coming-of-age format. This should have followed the latter. First off, Selena Gomez’s character Faith, is supposed to play the religious baby of the group, the innocent one. But so much of what she does is conflicting with this image. How can you be innocent, but smoke cigarettes on street corners and have best friends doing cocaine and robing diners?  She partied just as hard as all of her friends and had no reservations. She even looked miserable in her church scenes making me feel like, although she was the only one with any moral compass, this was a weak character who didn’t know what she wanted to be. She finally draws a line when they get caught up with Alien, James Franco’s character, and hops a bus home, NEVER to be seen again. Way to give the audience no sense of conclusion with that character. The only reason I didn’t walk out right here is because I was waiting for this character to grow some balls, come back and slap the shit out of her dumbass friends.

Also it was a breeze for the other girls; Candy, Brit and Cotty played by Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Rachel Korine respectively, to transition into a life of crime, murder and threesomes in the pool. These three girls happened to be borderline sociopaths from the beginning, how convenient. This takes any aspect of connecting with them away from the movie. They all could have been raped and chopped up into pieces and I wouldn’t have felt any sympathy. That’s not how you want your audience to feel about the main characters of the story, protagonists or not.  The characters starting off from a place of moral instability stole all the shock value away from the film. A more appropriate and interesting story would have showed how each girl struggled with these new temptations and actually had human reactions to what they were experiencing. Maybe each one has a moral dilemma but slowly pushes the boundaries of morality until eventually they grow numb and lose sight of it altogether. You can’t lose your soul if you never had one in the first place. Drugs, breasts and sex scenes couldn’t even hold the attention of the viewer when they quickly realized this movie lacked all elements of a story which we learned in, no joke, primary school.

After Candy and Brit miraculously stroll up in nothing but string bikinis and take down a wannabe thug mafia, seriously outnumbered, without a scratch on them they attempt to show some penance by calling home and disclosing that they want to be better. That is supposed to be my resolution?? Let me get this straight, they go on a murderous rampage representing the final descent into a soulless existence, and then they decide to retire from a life of crime? No, now they should go back to Alien’s empty house, make love to a rifle and settle in.  The movie ends with them driving a stolen dead man’s convertible into the sunset…WTF?

The artistic aspect of this film in no way makes up for the terrible story. I would not recommend this film to anyone, despite James Franco’s well done mockery of RiFF RaFF.

Rating: One Poisoned Mushroom and a swift kick in the balls.