Welcome to our Walking Dead Power Rankings. Jesse has 47 points while Kevin has 51.
(Note: Each week Jesse and I will rank the Walking Dead characters from least likely to die to most likely to die. If a character does perish then we earn points. For instance if Glenn dies this week then Jesse will have 7 points and I will have 5 points.)
Daryl- The theme of my rankings this week is much like the theme of the episode, nothing changes. Seriously I shifted Beth down because she is featured this week and I added the three newbies. Should we just retire this spot? At least temporarily? Daryl is holding on until the end of the series. At which point I predict he will sacrifice himself for someone (Little Ass Kicker? Rick?) and we will all cry. And it’ll be the first time this show has emotionally affected the audience. Unless they screw it up, which they totally will.
Judith- What do you write about a character that hasn’t even uttered a word yet? Hell she wasn’t even in last week’s episode!
Carl- Oh man, I’m not sure I am ready to start ragging on the previous episode yet. Do I have to? Ugh alright here we go. Look, I am not a professional writer in any capacity. I am sure that writing dialogue for a widely popular show is a very difficult thing to do. But seriously, everything that came out of Carl’s mouth this week was painful. I started taking notes of every dumb thing he said before I became overwhelmed by the constant stream of stupidity. I felt like I was watching a show on ABC Family. I thought to myself, is it the acting? No he is just a kid, the director must be steering him wrong. No wait, it is definitely the writing. Everything between Carl and Michonne felt forced. For example, when Carl doesn’t laugh at Michonne’s Bobby Zimmeruski impression she said, “Toddlers think I’m funny”, to which Carl responds with “Toddlers?” and Michonne decides to follow that up by revealing more than she has revealed in two(ish) years with the kid, “I had a son”. This forced revelation made me chuckle. The writers wanted to establish two things with this scene, that Michonne has a son and that a bond between Michonne and Carl is growing. They followed this up with a cringe worthy game of, “Clear the room, ask a question about my past life” in an attempt to show that Carl was caring and eager to learn about his partner’s mysterious past. But it all fell flat. If they had wanted to establish these two bonding they should have gone with a better approach. How about Michonne zeroes in on the guilt that Carl feels for leaving Judith behind? She could explain how she feels responsible for losing her son to the walkers and how she thinks about him every moment of every day. And that eventually she just had to move on in memory of him. Level with the kid, tell him you went through a similar experience. Or talk about how sad she feels that she wasn’t able to provide her son with a normal childhood. Have her tear up as she waxes poetically about how her son should have had the chance to go to school, fall in love, become a doctor and be normal before it was all taken away from him. That parallel would have actually helped bond the two together, explain what Carl is experiencing at this moment and would have established Michonne’s tortured past. All of that is cliche and overused but it still would have elicited more emotion from the audience than a forced game of 20 questions!
Maggie- We didn’t see anything from Maggie but I’m going to assume that she is still hot and is therefore still safe.
Glenn- What happened to you Glenn? Is this what happens to guys when they get married? They become one dimensional characters that are only focused on love? Blah blah blah. When we first met you Glenn you had a love for all humans not just one. You believed in people and wanted to help and save them all. Now you have a one track mind. When a fake-red-head-overweight-GI Joe tells you that the mullet scientist can save all of man kind you barely register a moment of hesitation? Whatever man. You’ve changed. You used to be cool.
Rick- I am not going to lie, when Rick was hiding under that bed I was convinced that he would be there for an entire season. Usually when Rick gets settled somewhere he stays there. Especially when there are big mean guys waiting for him. Fortunately Rick escaped and we were all spared many moments of him staring into the distance while under a bed.
Tara- Tara was not in this episode. Don’t argue that she was. I don’t want to hear it. In fact, Tara does not exist in this show. Seriously, don’t argue with me on this one. You won’t win. No way such a boring character could do nothing for so long and still continue to be on the show. Wait, what? Sasha, Bob and Tyreese you say? Never heard of them.
Michonne- You think I have nothing left to say about Michonne after my earlier rant? Ha! You don’t know me at all. I have plenty to say! Like, Michonne now looks like a pirate with her new shirt. Which is awesome. A ninja pirate is not gonna die anytime soon.
- Abraham- Hmm, so here are the three newbies. I sort of plopped them in the middle because I had no idea what to do with them. Since they haven’t provided much material yet I figure I will make fun of how they look because that is the American thing to do. So this Abe guy’s hair really started to bother me in this episode. It is red. Well it is supposed to be red but it looks like he walked out of the shower after using some cheap dye and just started acting. I mean, I am a man and I could tell that was a botched dye job. Not a good sign. Is he the first man to ever intentionally dye his hair red? The reason it really started to bother me? I kept trying to figure out why they decided to dye his hair. I haven’t read the comic but I am almost positive that the comic is in black and white. Is that wrong? Maybe they have color in the newer comics but in the early ones, all black and white. So the comic nerds couldn’t really get angry could they? Besides hasn’t the show butchered the comics so badly that a character’s hair color really doesn’t really matter? All I know is that when I saw the actor that plays Abe on the Talking Dead, I cheered when I saw his non red hair. I knew it! In the cherished words of Family Guy, “You’re a phony, a big fat phony!”
- Eugene- The only thing that irritates me more than a condescending smart guy is a condescending smart guy with a mullet. Has anyone become a least favorite character so fast? Sit down Lori, Andrea and Milton. None of you started off as bad as this guy. First of all he doesn’t know how to shoot. Come on! He lives in the south and has survived zombies for 2-3 years. He should know how to shoot. Second of all what has he been doing all these years if he has the key to saving the world? Dungeons and Dragons? Grooming his mullet? Whatever, I think this guy is another phony.
- Rosita- So I am pretty positive that they downloaded Rosita into this show. She looks like she came straight out of a video game. Rosita is the only one to make a realistic choice this episode. When the chance came to ditch her two phony friends and hook up with the two younger strangers, she jumped at it. Its like in Survivor when Jeff offers everyone the chance to mutiny and join the other tribe. She gladly accepted. Which is why I will call her Candice Woodcock. Which is a reference only 1.2% of you will understand. I love you 1.2%!
- Beth- Technically the only person to change places in my rankings. And the only reason I bumped her down is because the preview showed her as the star next week. Seriously, in my notes I wrote, “Next week is about Beth :(“. Sad face indeed.
Sasha- Are you really going to stick with your, “This character doesn’t exist” gimmick and not write anything here, Kevin? Yes.
Bob- Come on that makes for an extremely boring rankings article, surely you won’t do it to Bob too! Already done.
Tyreese- Stop the madness! Say something about Tyreese’s impending death! Anything! Ok fine, I will put Tyreese’s most famous quote here. “…………………..” Happy?
Carol- Alright sorry about that. Back to our regularly schedule rankings. First of all, these rankings generally run at 15 characters. Here we are at 16. I don’t get paid extra for these extra characters (I don’t get paid at all). So lets just say we are due for some deaths! Don’t you think 2 of the next 3 characters have to die ASAP? I mean one of them will be a victim of Lizzie’s and the other will be Lizzie herself right? Since Carol has survived a lot worse than a demon child I will give her the slight advantage.
Lizzie- True story, I considered changing the name of these rankings to “Walking Dead: Lizzie’s Next Victim” and ranking them in order of who will face their death at the hands of a child. Which, by the way, if The Walking Dead was an ’80’s slasher horror film that would totally be the name of the 4th installment. Not the rebooted 4th installment where they change the naming structure of the series and go back to numbering them like they should have in the first place (I.E. The Walking Dead IV) in order to make you forget about all of the horrible sequels that were made during the horror film golden days, but the actual 4th installment of the series. And it would suck. Much like this show.
Mica- I’m not sure who to blame for my desire to see this fictional girl die this week. Is it the show’s fault or my own fault for doing these competitive rankings? Whatever the case I should probably see a shrink.
- Daryl – We all love Daryl, but I’m out of jokes about how he’s completely safe and I’m tired of complaining about having to use this spot, so from now on I’m going to air my grievances in this space. And seeing as these are our Walking Dead rankings, my first shot is directed at one Mr. Scott Gimple. You know, the new showrunner for this season who took over for the shitty showrunner from the previous two seasons. Initially, I thought this was a good thing. Gimple has directed some of the best episodes of the entire series and I was hopeful that his vision would reestablish “The Walking Dead” as a show worth watching every week, not something that I feel obligated to keep up with in order to validate all the time I’ve already wasted. Suffice to say, things haven’t improved at all and Gimple has been a massive disappointment. He has five episodes left to change my mind, but at this point we may have a better chance of Kevin becoming a fan of “Game of Thrones” than that happening.
- Judith – Eh, another waste of a spot. Here comes another grievance. “Almost Human,” another show that I want to like a lot more than I do, is probably going to get canceled due to ratings not being high enough. It does air on Fox and that is the brilliant channel that axed “Firefly” and “Futurama” (you know, the first time it got canceled), but I honestly don’t think the show is all that bad. Sometimes it’s downright entertaining and I’m a fan of Karl Urban, but it’s difficult for the storylines and character arcs to play out the way they’re supposed to when Fox isn’t even airing the episodes in order. Yep, new episodes of “Almost Human,” a show that’s trying to establish a following, don’t even premier the way the writers intended them too. And the geniuses at Fox wonder why ratings aren’t higher? Amazing.
- Carl – No way I’m topping Kevin’s ambitiously vindictive rant, so I guess the best advice that I can give John Connor is to hold a gun to Gimple’s head and demand some better dialogue. I am rapidly losing interest in the supposed savior of the human race and if things don’t improve soon, it’s going to fall on Judith to pick up where her big brother failed. Makes me want to down a bottle of Jack just thinking about it.
- Lizzie – Didn’t expect to see the she-devil this low, I bet. You may be asking yourself, “Jesse, why are you so sure that Lizzie is safe?” In South Park, the anti-christ didn’t die until Santa Clause showed up and smashed it. I guarantee that Dead will think of a scenario that is just as ridiculous but not nearly as entertaining, but it doesn’t look like we’re at that point yet. Not when Carol is still around to be Lizzie’s guardian angel and Mica doesn’t have any other friends.
- Carol – Speak of the devil! Oh, I’m sorry Carol. You’re much nicer than Lizzie. Just don’t stand too close to Tyreese, okay?
- Rick – CAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLL. Someone really needs to make a humorous mash-up of all the times that Rick has said his son’s name. I’d watch that at least five times before class every day and ten times when I got home. It is a crime that this doesn’t exist yet. What the hell is wrong with you people? Get on it!
- Glenn – First off, you should know that Kevin will be a married man in the near future and then he will officially be on Glenn watch. I’m counting on you guys to notice if he suffers the same fate as this character that we used to love. That’s right Glenn, at one time I admired you. In a world full of alpha-males and monsters, you were the true underdog and everyone loves to root for that kind of character. Then you had to get all serious and suck all the fun out of your scenes. And what is it with pizza boys in movies and tv turning out to be douchebags in the end? Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man? Complete douche by the third movie. Eric from “Entourage?” An epic douche by the last season (And if you want to try and defend E, don’t forget that he fucked his fiance’s mother-in-law. Or were they married at that point? Those final seasons were excruciating and I don’t remember).
- Michonne – Damit, I hate it when Kevin beats me to a good pirate joke. We’ll chalk that one up to the fact that he’s been playing Assassin’s Creed 4, but this was a frustrating episode for Michonne. The attempt at mixing exposition with her and Carl bonding was botched, in my opinion, because it just felt forced and awkward. You mean Kevin beat me to the intelligent analysis too? That asshole.
- Beth – Ugh. I just don’t know. She’s not going to die so there’s no point in talking about that. You want to hear about what I have scheduled for the rest of the week? Oh, you don’t? Well, sorry man, there isn’t much I can do for you then.
- Abraham – I couldn’t look at this guy and not think of Sheamus from WWE. In fact, this would’ve been much better if they had cast Sheamus in the role, because we all would’ve gotten a good laugh out of it. Instead, we are left to not give two fucks about yet another new character who will probably be dead before Wrestlemania. And spare me your sermon about how you’re trying to save the world, fella. I think you just like to kill things.
- Tara – I realize that we live in the era where reality tv shows spring up like weeds all around us and thus we don’t necessarily have to give anything we watch much thought, but because I’m an aspiring writer, I force myself to ponder about each character’s motivation while watching anything. So Tara, what the hell is your motivation? What do you want? If it’s to reunite Glenn and Maggie, then I weep for you because you lack both foresight and a personal objective, and you die on this show if looking out for numero uno isn’t your top priority. By the way, if I came off like a know-it-all douchebag in this paragraph, let me know and I’ll go look for a job as a pizza boy.
- Maggie – I honestly believe that the group on this show is way too big at this point. Here we are, 18 characters strong and we go weeks at a time without seeing most of them. Enter Maggie, who has been given a stunningly low amount of development and screen time considering that she was closer to Hershel than anyone. You would think that a monumental event like his death would warrant some additional dialogue or interaction or anything, but alas, all Maggie does is cry and act all solemn and loony. Is it logical that the thing she cares about the most now would be finding her husband? Of course. Most people would feel the same way in her position, but that should just be the start. Change the way that she treats other people in the group. Make her antsy and easily irritable, and for God’s sake establish a sense of urgency. Poor writing is part of the problem, but the main culprit is the lack of significant moments between these people that have been around for awhile. The writers have crammed all these characters into a one-hour time slot and felt the need to separate them to create tension, but then each episode focuses on only one or two of these different sections of the group. Instead of giving us time with all of them and allowing them to progress, we get Rick hiding under a bed for 30 minutes. We really should care a lot about them, but we don’t. Or at least I don’t. It’s even worse when you measure the stakes against those in “The Walking Dead: The Game,” in which I was always scared as hell for the other characters because I loved them and I was genuinely convinced that they could die at any moment. That’s how the show should be, especially considering it has such excellent source material to follow, and it really pisses me off that it’s not.
- Eugene – Anyone who goes around saying “I’m smarter than you” is almost definitely the biggest idiot ever. He’s probably not a doctor either, so will there be some big revelation that will alter the course of the series? Absolutely man, except it won’t be big and it’s not going to alter shit.
- Rosita – This Lara Croft wannabe was added to the cast, I’m sure, because the producers are pissed that Maggie isn’t in every episode and they want more eye candy. The bell will toll for her the moment that Maggie meets up with the others.
- Bob – Trust me, these next three people aren’t ranked this high because they are black; it’s because they have no purpose whatsoever. I didn’t even get to enjoy Bob’s new persona this week, so he is back on my shit list. It’s not fair, but neither is squandering this actor’s ability.
- Tyreese – I took a dump this morning and it was literally more thrilling than all of Tyreese’s scenes put together. It’s kind of a disgusting analogy, but it got my point across.
- Sasha – Toenail clippings. Dead trees. Watching infomercials about jewelry. These are just a few of the many things that I find more interesting than Sasha.
- Mica – Sofia made it about what, seven episodes before her stupidity got the best of her? Time is running out, Mica.