Welcome to our Walking Dead Power Rankings.  Jesse has 47 points while Kevin has 51.

(Note: Each week Jesse and I will rank the Walking Dead characters from least likely to die to most likely to die. If a character does perish then we earn points. For instance if Glenn dies this week then Jesse will have 8 points and I will have 5 points.)

Kevin’s Rankings

1. Daryl- Well that was…interesting? Finally the writers have given the fans what they have always wanted! An entire episode revolving around Daryl and Beth. Everyone has been asking for that right? Look this week’s rankings are going to be a struggle because we were given very little to work with. There are only so many alcohol jokes we can throw at you before you puke. So let’s just get them all over with right now alright? Ahem…Beth said, “ I need a drink”, funny thats exactly what I was thinking throughout this episode! What a drunken mess of an episode that was am I right? Hmm I guess that was all the shots I could take.

2. Judith- If Beth can handle moonshine better than Daryl then I am pretty sure Little Ass Kicker could drink Daryl under the table too.

3. Carl- They always say girls mature faster than boys. Well while Carl was busy scavenging for a tub of pudding Beth decided she was ready to get tanked for the first time. I guess puberty doesn’t change in zombieland after all. Maybe Beth will introduce Carl to pudding shots. Do those exist? If not then I am going to be rich. I’ll even serve them in those Go-Gurt like tubes. Trust me, if there is anything that my generation would buy it would be Go-Pudding-Shots in a tube. Brilliant.

4. Maggie- I think we saw a glimpse of Maggie in the next episode. I can’t quite remember because I was recovering from a Walking Dead hangover but I am pretty sure.

5. Glenn- I guess I will take this space and complain about something. What else is new? Are these zombies attracted by smell or sound? Or both? Come on now, Michonne’s pets were supposed to cover her stench but Beth managed to confuse some zombies with sound. But not the other zombie. Are some zombies more in tune with their senses? Don’t you think a leader zombie with more sophisticated senses would have evolved yet and organized some of his or her fellow zombies? Wouldn’t that be far more frightening than a man with one eye? These would be the questions that keep me up at night if this show didn’t put me to sleep.

6. Rick- My absolute favorite part of the episode was when Beth told Daryl off with her, “Are you just going to stare into a fire and kill mud snakes?” line. Awesome. Can Beth become the character that speaks for the audience? She could just go around yelling at everybody for their stupid habits. She could have saved Andrea and Lori! Okay nothing could have saved those terrible characters. But how refreshing would it be for Beth to go up to Rick and say, “Are you just going to stare into the distance and grunt?”. She would instantly be my favorite character.

7. Tara- I skipped Tara…came back and skipped her again. The only thing going through my mind about Tara is, “Tara Tara bo-bara, fee fi fo fara, Tara!”. So that is all you get.

8. Michonne- Did you know Moonshine is an anagram for Mishoonne? If this was Lost I would totally come up with like 12 conspiracy theories with this knowledge.

9. Abraham- Ol’ Abe buddy how ya doing? I gotta apologize for making fun of your dye job last week. Apparently a lot of comic nerds were geeked because of your resemblance. My bad.

10. Eugene- I feel like if I met Eugene in real life I would pull an Austin Powers and end every sentence with ‘mullet’. “Nice to mullet you…meet you…” Yeah it is a dated reference but did you see this week’s episode? They gave us nothing!

11. Rosita- Speaking of dated references, doesn’t she remind you of a 90’s video game girl? Wait, what? I used that joke last week? Moving on…

12. Beth- Honestly this episode never really clicked because of the whole “I want a drink” plot device. I know I shouldn’t let that ruin the episode for me but it seemed so ridiculous. Here are some quick thoughts on the ridiculousness. Beth claimed she never had a drink because of her dad. Hmm…or because you were like 12 when zombies came about…After Beth decided she wanted to play pyro she had a pretty devilish grin. Is there a plot twist? Is she the sister of the devil child? The devil spawned a girl with the voice of an angel? Again if this were lost this would totally spawn 18 theories…What was up with the uplifting music as the house burned down? I don’t recall the Walking Dead using any music whatsoever with the exception of the title song. And then out of no where we get some feel good music? Perhaps I have missed The Walking Dead soundtrack this whole time but the music really rattled me… I will give the writers a tiny ounce of credit. Every week I bitch about how Beth went from a suicidal teen to a girl who doesn’t shed a tear about her dead boyfriends. I really thought it was the writers not having a good handle on who this character is suppose to be. But then Daryl brought up the same point to her face. So they either intended to have her transform into a soulless girl or Daryl is speaking for the audience and offering an apology for their screw up. Either way I am satisfied.

13. Tyreese- You know who could really use a drink? This guy. Imagine being a single guy, roaming around on your own and then suddenly you have three daughters and a wife. Damn that sounds like every man’s worst nightmare. And the beginning of a romantic comedy. I wonder when Tyreese will realize his former life was no way to live and he wasn’t happy until he met the girls.

14. Carol- What does a mother pack for lunch for her devil child? Souls? Do souls fit in Ziploc baggies? Do you need to freeze them? Does this make Tyreese the devil? Or Carol?

15. Lizzie- I bet Lizzie is super sad she didn’t burn anything down last week. Now she is competing with her devil sister Beth. It is tough being the youngest devil child. You have to work harder for attention. Perhaps this is her week.

16. Sasha- Sasha and Bob look like they are in trouble next week! I will give Sasha the edge to survive since she still hasn’t really interacted with Tyreese in any meaningful way whatsoever.

17. Bob- Will Bob sacrifice himself? If so will it be to save Sasha or Jack Daniels? We shall see…

18. Mica- Sorry Mica, you are Tyreese’s middle child. You won’t be around much longer.

Jesse’s Rankings

1. Daryl – I know last week I said I was going to use this space to air non-show related grievances, but I have a bone to pick with the way the writers have chosen to explore Daryl’s character. A surprise, I know. The guy has been running through the woods and being a chaperon for Beth for like four weeks now, and he’s just been grumpy the whole time. Until last week, when he had to get completely annihilated before he opened up about his guilt over Hershel’s death. Fine acting by Mr. Reedus and a strong character moment, but that should’ve been one of the first things that we saw this season. We shouldn’t have had to wait this long to get inside his head and see and hear how Daryl has changed. This show drives me insane.

2. Judith – I work at the front desk at a gym. There is a nursery and some particularly noisy toddlers can sometimes make it difficult for me to hear what people are asking me. What does this have to do with Judith? Fucking nothing, but that’s where my mind wanders whenever she shows up on screen (which hasn’t been often lately, mind you).

3. Carl – The other night I was watching American History X, and there was Edward Furlong being all dramatic and screaming in his scenes with Ed Norton. Then I remembered that Furlong also belongs to the John Connor brotherhood, and right then I saw Carl’s future. Unless he becomes interesting again, he is going to become a drug addict and do nothing with the rest of his life after Rick dies, which might actually be more compelling than the show in its current state.

4. Rick – Speaking of connections to movies, Love Actually is a pretty good one. Yeah yeah, it’s a complete chick flick but it’s relatable and you always feel good when it’s over. It also co-starred Andrew Lincoln, who played a character that I found myself rooting for by the end of the movie. So what the fuck, Rick? What are you waiting for? Make me care that you’re still around and mumbling after all this time. And for the love of God, I don’t want to see you near a bed ever again.

5. Michonne – Man Kevin is kicking my ass this week. Who is the English major between the two of us again? Sometimes its hard for me to tell.

6. Lizzie – You guys know I’m not a big fan of Lizzie. Unless you haven’t been reading, which means you don’t know that at all and I’m just looking for cheap ways to introduce my ranking for a character that I don’t even enjoy thinking about. Which is perfectly true. You win internet.

7. Beth – If my memory serves me right, my first drink was a Coors Original tallboy. I had a few more beers later that night and then promptly went to sleep. Beth on the other hand can slam moonshine like it’s no one’s business and still be sober enough to console Daryl when he breaks down. If this show were realistic, she would’ve been puking in the back until the walkers came calling. Oh well, at least the ending was completely bad ass when they were flipping off that house that was on fire, which I suppose represented their combined baggage. Wait, you mean that was a cliche, cringe-worthy ending that made me want to douse my eyeballs with chlorine? Well thank God you just brought this up now. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see so I could write this.

8. Glenn – I went to add Glenn into my rankings, but when I hit enter the list I had going reset and wanted to put him down as no. 1, even though he is at eight. Not only did this make me curse and flip off my computer in frustration, but it just killed any creativity I had for discussing Glenn. There wasn’t much to cover anyway, but still.

9. Carol – When was the last time anyone saw Carol smile? Last season? Season 2? I’m not making a witty observation at how much of a hardened survivor Carol has become, I just don’t remember. She’s had the same look on her face forever now. This is also known as pulling a Rick. 

10. Tara – Here she is, Glenn’s guardian angel, aka the character that they had no clue what to do with and so she’s just hanging out with Glenn since he’s not with Maggie. I hung out with a girl named Tara today and she is very nice, so I guess I’ll put up with this for another week. I would just be a total hypocrite if I didn’t.

11. Abraham – Sheamus my lad, good to see ya! Congrats on winning your match on Raw last week. Don’t tell me it’s not the same person. I refuse to believe it.

12. Eugene – Why don’t they ever get famous actors to be on this show? The Walking Dead game just had Michael Madsen debut as a character in its last episode and he was completely awesome. It validated the character and it was just cool to see Mr. Blonde pop up again somewhere else. Instead we get goofy, incompetent-looking morons like whoever plays Eugene and it’s just sad. You know what, famous people probably don’t want to be on this show because they don’t want to put their career at risk.

13. Maggie – There’s not much to say really. Maggie is hot, her death seems quite implausible and yet they will continue to tease us with her death all the time. I’m not falling for it anymore, though.

14. Rosita – Wait, you mean Kevin and I made a video game joke about the same character last week? (Checks last week’s rankings). Damn it all! While we’re at it though, they should’ve just picked Angelina Jolie for this role.

15. Tyreese – Going back to convenient work jokes, there’s a trainer at the gym I work at who looks a lot like Tyreese. I don’t see the guy much and never work with him, so I’m about as connected to him as I am with Tyreese. My god that was awful. I’m running on fumes at this point folks.

16. Sasha – I can only imagine being the writers and having to pitch the Sasha character to a room full of feminists. “She’s the sister of one of the chief characters from the comics, we don’t ever really learn anything about her, but she’s totally independent and headstrong. She doesn’t really have a personality, but you can still roll with her, right?” Man I have been terrible this week. I promise I’ll make a comeback next week.

17. Bob – I think it would be awesome if Bob died and they started a spin-off with all the dead characters of this show who are thrilled not to be stuck doing it anymore. As long as no one invites Lori. I’m looking at you Shane.

18. Mica – Here we go, I’m going to make up for my mediocre performance and end strong with Mica, right? Wrong again faithful readers. Fuck this character. I’m done.