Walking Dead Week 2385801 (Season 5 Episode 7)

See, we told you guys that we would start getting this done on a more consistent basis. The Walking Dead is entering the home stretch on what has been a surprisingly satisfying season thus far, and that probably means that we’re about to say goodbye to some more characters, making this week’s rankings fairly important. Enjoy!

Kevin’s Rankings

  1. Judith- In this Walking Dead universe there isn’t much hope to be had. Especially for babies. Personally, I’m just hoping that Judith’s first word isn’t, “CAAARL!”
  2. Rick- We are now up to 50% less Rick this season. Talk about a Black Friday deal am I right?
  3. Daryl- I honestly can’t decide how I feel about Daryl. I used to love him. And then the writers tried to hide him for so long. And now he is only seen in these awkward episodes when he is alone with either Beth or Carol. It seems like the writers are nervous to do anything to the audience’s favorite character.
  4. Carl- The only bad thing about this season is the lack of Carl. No seriously, Carl is the easiest to make fun of and they took that away from me.
  5. Maggie- I’m wondering why we never see Maggie be concerned about her missing sister Beth. She hasn’t once tried to convince Glenn to go search for her as far as I can remember. I guess little sisters really are too annoying to deal with.
  6. Glenn- You know when your lifelong friends get a girlfriend, settle down and get married to her? And all of a sudden you don’t see your friend that much anymore and even when you do they are boring as hell? That’s what happened to Glenn.
  7. Michonne- How to fix Michonne. 1. Let her chop walker’s heads off again. 2. Do it more often. That’s all.
  8. Tyreese- I was staring at Tyreese’s name, trying to come up with something clever. And I noticed his name has ‘Reese’ in it. Like the candy. I like Reese’s more than Tyreese. A candy bar is more interesting to me than this character.
  9. Carol- Oh hey! Somebody that was actually in the last episode! This episode was some sort of strange backward tracking catch up. We already saw Daryl come back without Carol in episode 3. Then we saw what ends up happening to Carol in episode 4 this season. So they decided to take episode 6 to explain how she got there. Plus they decided to show us what she was doing after she was abandoned last season. I don’t know. It’s like they had all these scraps on the editing floor and randomly threw it together to make an episode. I guess it was nice to see our two favorites alone together. But at the same time I was underwhelmed by the events that happened.
  10. Beth- You’re turning into a really important part of this show. I always knew you would.
  11. Abraham- Angry Abe! Sweet I got him a new nickname before he bites it. I feel good.
  12. Sasha- You and your brother are horrible under used. Maybe a bottle episode with you and your brother would be a great idea. I can only dream.
  13. Lara Croft- I went to Angkor Wat recently. For those of you out of the loop, Angkor Wat is the historic setting of Tomb Raider. Yes I walked where Angelina Jolie walked! Oh and some other historic mumble jumble occurred there too. Something about buddhists and stuff. Who cares, Lara Croft was there!
  14. Pastor- I’m going to defend the old pastor. He feels guilty because he turned his back on people wanting inside of the church. Fast forward to when he ran into this group and he welcomes them into his church. Look what happens! Dead bodies, gun fire and cannibals! That’s what he gets for trying.
  15. Tara- Look you seem like a nice girl but it’s not working out. It’s not me, it’s you. So go away. Thanks.
  16. Eugene- Oregon. That’s what I think of when I see him. Eugene, Oregon. Maybe that isn’t his real name. Maybe he loved Zombieland and he decided that if he was ever in the zombie apocalypse he would go by where he was from too. Seems like a nerdy thing to do.

Jesse’s Rankings

  1. Daryl – Yeah I know, Daryl is still here. Real original on my part, especially after Kevin has done a nice job shuffling the top of his rankings. I just don’t think they will ever, ever kill off Daryl and it would be hypocritical if I didn’t reflect that here. However, Kevin and I do agree that Daryl isn’t quite as interesting as he used to be.
  2. Judith – I honestly can’t remember the last time we saw Lil’ Ass Kicker. Two episodes ago? Three? Gonna be hard to win an Emmy if you don’t have many scenes, but maybe her dramatic performance in the season premier will be enough to get her the votes she needs. Seriously though, with all of the children that are on TV shows these days, why is there not an award for best child actor? Or at least a Razzy for the worst one? These are the things I think about when I don’t see these characters for weeks at a time.
  3. Rick – After laying waste to like, sheesh, I don’t know, at least 10 people in the first few episodes, Rick has been surprisingly absent as of late. Is it because the writers don’t want him to lose momentum by appearing in an episode where he doesn’t have to threaten or kill anybody, or are they simply trying to limit his exposure so people don’t get fed up with him?
  4. Carl – Not a great season for the Grimes family. They were reunited at the outset only never to be seen together again. Gonna be a lonely Thanksgiving at this rate.
  5. Maggie – The first couple of the apocalypse spent pretty much the entire second half of last season trying to find one another, only now it doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal. What is it with people on this show? Can’t you spend some time reveling in your good fortune instead of always being miserable? Yeah, it’s the zombie apocalypse, deal with it. Merle was a complete psycho but at least he knew how to have a good time.
  6. Glenn – See above.
  7. Michonne – Keep that machete sharp, Michonne. I have a feeling you’ll be needing it in the near future.
  8. Tyreese – Yeah, he’s not as cool as he is in the comics. He’s also not as interesting as he was in The Wire. Oh well. I thoroughly enjoyed the ass whoopin’ he laid down on all those walkers and that one douchebag in the season premier and I think he’s underutilized. Have you noticed that I keep referring back to the season premier? You know, when the entire group got a chance to shine in the episode? Let’s do more of that guys.
  9. Abe – Bad news Sheamus, the Authority took you out on Raw last week, which means you don’t get to be in the main event at Survivor Series. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll save a spot for you at the next pay-per view. Wait, this isn’t my monthly wrestling post? Sorry, I still mix those two characters up.
  10. Sasha – More than likely, Sasha will never love again. She’ll probably become very cold and distant and thus will transform into a walker killing machine. The problem is, that’s Michonne’s role, or at least it was until they stopped having her do anything cool. Can’t have two bad ass black chicks on the same show, unless it’s part of that Walking Dead spinoff. This is what AMC is reduced to in the post-Breaking Bad landscape; they don’t have any more good ideas so it’s nothing but spinoffs. That being said, I never get tired of seeing Saul Goodman, so hopefully that one will be good.
  11. Carol – One problem I have with this show is it’s insistence on devoting entire episodes to explain on how every character wound up in every situation. Last week’s followed that pattern and while I enjoyed the quiet moments between Carol and Daryl, I didn’t need to see how all of that played out. It hurt the pacing of the season because we already knew that Carol wasn’t making it back, which also sucked a lot of the drama out of it. Please guys, no more flashbacks. Let’s just move forward and have a strong finish.
  12. Beth – On the other hand, Beth’s flashback episode was great because it not only served to explain just what the hell happened to Beth when she was abducted last season, but it also fleshed out her character and made you care about what was happening to her. I still think that style of episode needs to be used on a limited basis, but that’s the blueprint the writers should follow when they bust one of those out. Like Carol, Beth has come such a long way from where she started out and it’s really promising to see that kind of arc take place. We need more of her on the show, in my opinion.
  13. Rosita – I have a confession for you guys; I have never played a Tomb Raider game. Not the original Playstation classic, nor the critically acclaimed reboot. There, I said it. I don’t want you to think any less of me, okay?
  14. Pastor – If the good father’s purpose this season was to redeem himself for not aiding others before by helping Rick’s group, then he’s already succeeded in that. So now what? My guess is if he wants to be of further use and stay alive, he’s gonna have to get his hands dirty. I don’t think he’s willing to do that.
  15. Tara – Is it too late to trade this one for Bob? It is? Shit. Oh well.
  16. Eugene – This snake in the grass bastard is pretty good at conning people. Considering he is completely helpless on his own and possesses no discernible survival skills, I’d say that’s the only reason he’s still around. I know, no shit. Now if we’re still talking about what the purpose is for characters who seemingly don’t have one, then in Eugene’s case he’s either going to A) redeem himself like the Pastor or  B) sell everyone else down the river to save his own skin. My gut feeling tells me it will be the latter.

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