Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have ten points and I will have six points. No, of course I always had Glenn at six. What are you talking about?
Season Score: Jesse 9, Kevin 8
- Judith- Poor Judith lost one of her eight fathers this last week. And probably the father that cared the most about her.
- Rick- Oh man it is not good to be Rick’s moral compass. First Herschel lost his leg and his life. Then Tyreese lost his arm and his life. Stay away Daryl!
- Daryl- I wish I had the time to count how many words Daryl has said in his time on The Walking Dead. People love him but he hasn’t done much lately. I swear they are trying to hide him for reasons I can’t understand.
- Carl- I talk a lot about Carl’s puberty in this weekly column. It disturbs me. I feel like an estranged father who can’t connect with his kid and so I desperately attach to anything I remember from that time. Like, “so son, lots of weird stuff happening to you right now huh?” Yeah creepy.
- Maggie- Uh oh, looks like times are going to get even tougher for Maggie. Perhaps she shouldn’t let Glenn wander away too far.
- Carol- She used to be close to Tyreese before she killed his girlfriend. But these two survived a lot of hard times together so I am sure she will take it pretty hard.
- Abraham- Oh Angry Abe how angry you must be. For months you were going around begging the group to go to DC to save humanity. But no, you kept getting brushed off. And then a teenage girl dies and instantly they decide to go 500 miles in her honor. Even though I don’t think that was necessarily her dream but whatever. And now that they confirmed that Eugene is a liar they decide it will be worth the trip to DC. Really?
- Sasha- Last week I predicted a Sasha death. But now she lost her brother. And she just lost her boyfriend. So I guess Sasha is here to stay. Perhaps there are big plans for her.
- Noah- My man, you would be damn good at Survivor. You pulled that, “it was Beth’s last dream to get me back home which happens to be 500 miles away” card like a veteran. What a manipulation. I mean I am sure Beth would have been happy to join you on the journey but I don’t think that was her major life goal. But hey man the tribe has spoken am I right?
- Glenn- Last week’s episode was a classic and it really engaged me. Except I couldn’t quite follow Glenn’s conversation with Rick. Was he mad that Rick didn’t shoot the cop that killed Beth? If I recall Daryl jumped on that kill pretty quickly like a sniper in Halo. The best Rick could have gotten is an assist. And those are worthless unless you play hockey.
- Michonne- I enjoyed Michonne trying to grasp any shred of hope she could get. I mean it was depressing. I guess I enjoy depressing things.
- Lara Croft- As much as I discuss Carl’s puberty I seem to discuss Lara Croft’s sexuality. And yet I never merged the two. I will just stop myself.
- Father Gabriel- Hey it sure is nice to have a Father around for all these deaths isn’t it? It is a great device for writers to use as the characters are buried. I especially enjoyed how you thought he was speaking for Beth in the beginning of the episode only for it to be Tyreese’s grave he was standing over.
- Tara- This is the week everyone. The week that Tara will make an impact. I can feel it!
- Eugene- Hey buddy listen we know you can’t really save the human race but we are just going to go check out DC to make sure you really are full of shit. No big deal we just want to make you feel as bad as possible for what you did. I hope you don’t mind the awkwardness.
Tyreese– RIP buddy. You really redeemed yourself at the end with a very Lost-esque episode. Very similar to Mr. Echo’s end in Lost actually. Sorry I gave you so much shit. I am sure I would enjoy your story a lot more on a rewatch binge. But honestly you paved the way for black characters to be a far more respected part of the show. And now the show heavily relies on those characters. So good job, you had a great impact after all is said and done.
- Judith – In my haste to finish my side of the rankings last week, I overlooked the fact that I ranked someone other than Daryl at the no. 1 spot. This should’ve felt a lot more monumental than it did.
- Daryl – It must really suck to be one of the people whose job it is to read fan-mail for this show. Every week it’s “Give me more Daryl” and “Where the fuck is Daryl” and “Stop killing all the black people!” Seriously though, you have your most popular character available to you and he’s not in every episode? That’s like having Von Miller on your team and instead of letting him rush, you drop him back in coverage.
- Rick – Let that be a lesson to you, Rick. Hacking off bitten limbs only stops an infection if you do it right away.
- Carl – Can anyone remind me what the last thing Carl did was? No? Alright then.
- Maggie – Seeing as we didn’t see Maggie last week, we get subjected to a whole lot of depression from her end this week. Great.
- Glenn – Alright guys, we will officially never use anyone but Glenn for our point distribution example again. I used Tyreese last week and lo and behold, it was the last episode for that character. I would take credit for predicting that he was about to bite it, but I’m not that smart. Nowhere close to being that smart.
- Michonne – Sorry Michonne, but plenty of people who suffered a gruesome death in this show would be perfectly happy with “just making it.” The world is a real shithole now and your life is in danger every minute of every day. That’s just the way it is.
- Abraham – Ha! Sheamus is going to love it when he finds out that everyone wants to go to D.C. now. Way to turn this guy into a total hipster, Walking Dead. “I wanted to go to Washington before it was cool to want to go there.”
- Noah – Ah yes, the new token black guy. I predict that you will last until at least the end of this season and no more than a few episodes into season 6.
- Sasha – Yes, I always had Sasha on my rankings. Stop giving me shit about the crap I forgot the first time!
- Carol – No Carol last week either. I swear, they were trying to make me change the channel. Luckily for AMC, Better Call Saul was on next.
- Father Gabriel – Not sure why, but I really like this guy. If he can come to grips with the fact that God is a real asshole for allowing the zombie apocalypse to happen, then I could see a nice Hershel-esque arc coming for this character. Now watch him get killed tonight.
- Lara Croft – Seriously, it’s one thing to keep Daryl and Carol on the sidelines, but now you’re failing to exploit your most sexually explicit character? Shame on you, Walking Dead. Shame on you.
- Eugene – Forget being bitten, this man is going to kill himself after realizing how much guilt he’s about to endure. That’s the wonderful thing about karma – sooner or later, it catches up to everyone.
- Tara – You know I really don’t give a shit about Tara when I didn’t even finish my sentence about her last week. Pretty lazy, no?