Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead rankings!
Every week Jesse and Kevin provide rankings based on who we think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. We give ourselves points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.
TV spoilers start now FOR MULTIPLE SHOWS (no comic spoilers):
Last week, we had the first reverse death! Which, judging from our original reactions to his “death”, should be a good thing right?
This week Kevin re-imagines the show with characters from his other favorite shows. Meanwhile, Jesse shamelessly rips off Kevin’s idea because he didn’t know what else to do.
Season Score: Jesse
26 19 Kevin 22 16
- Judith- Okay so I said I would replace all the characters with characters from other TV shows to spice this show up. Let’s start with Judith. The problem with Judith is that she is a boring baby. Perhaps we need a funny baby like Michelle Tanner from “Full House”. Cute, adorable and says ‘How Rude!’ at comedic times. But that feels like cheating because Michelle was a toddler in her days on the show right? Okay how about a menacing baby? One that keeps quiet but deep down has a lot going on. Let’s do it. Maggie Simpson is replacing Judith. They speak the same amount but can you imagine Maggie sucking on that pacifier intensely as a walker approaches her? And we all know what she can do with a handgun right?
- Daryl- It’s always difficult replacing a fan favorite. Especially a fan favorite that mostly grunts and hardly speaks. Well I’m going to swipe Mike Ehrmantraut from fellow AMC shows “Breaking Bad” and “Better Call Saul”. It’s perfect! Mike can kick just as much ass as Daryl. Sure he doesn’t say much but he is far better developed than Daryl is. Oh god, Mike calling Maggie Simpson a Lil Ass Kicker would be the greatest thing ever.
- Maggie- Okay so Maggie is kind of a boring brunette who has a strange marriage and has lots of potential to be a great character right? I’m going to replace her with Nancy Botwin from “Weeds”. Sure, at first it doesn’t seem like a great fit. But try to imagine Maggie living in the suburbs after this apocalypse is over. You think she’s going to be cool with sitting around watching her kids all day? Naw, she has too much angst and curiosity. Plus, Nancy’s husband(s) died, Maggie’s husband “died”. It works. And it would put this show over the top.
- Rick- This is my absolute favorite replacement. And this is why I decided to do this theme. Replace Rick with Coach Eric Taylor from “Friday Night Lights” and watch Jesse and I lose our shit every single week with joy. They have similar ferocity with how they speak. They are both stubborn and they both expect a lot from everyone. Hot damn this would have been the best show ever! Except it would’ve been over pretty quick because Coach Taylor would have had his group in shape from the beginning. He is a helluva coach and he wouldn’t let any of this nonsense go on. Season 1 he would’ve stepped up on a podium and said, “Stab Eyes, Shoot Hearts, Can’t Die” and everyone would’ve been so pumped up!
- Carol- Alright this is tricky because no one could replace Carol and hope to improve her. I almost put Nancy Botwin here but that doesn’t quite work. So I am cheating and I will not replace Carol. Carol is replaced with Carol from “The Walking Dead”. It’s my blog (well half of it) so I can do what I want.
- Rosita- I have always thought of Rosita as a video game character. Badass and hot but not much substance (unfortunately). I’m not going to cheat again and use a video game character though. Instead I will replace Rosita with Leela from “Futurama”. Leela kicks ass but still falls in love. She is funny but not the star of the show. She is over sexualized for a cartoon but has a badass personality. Plus last week Rosita wasn’t taking the nerdy Eugene’s shit. She’s tough and so is Leela.
- Glenn- I was considering putting in Kenny from “South Park” here just because you are back from the dead. But I think I would rather have Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad”. Pinkman is another fan favorite from a fellow AMC show. He is a mostly good character trying to do mostly good things. I could see him sticking his neck out for people unless they break his trust. Plus every time he would kill a walker he would call it a bitch.
- Sasha- I struggled with Sasha for a while. And then I started imagining how I would want Sasha to be. Lana from “Archer” is pretty damn close. She’s skilled with a gun and has a tough job. But she isn’t necessarily respected by her peers. Just imagine everyone yelling “Lana!” every time she screws up.
- Abraham- I need a ridiculous character who likes to get drunk and make jokes. Someone who will do the right thing but will also laugh if they accidentally blow up a building. I’m thinking either Max from “Happy Endings”, Cartman from “South Park” or Charlie from “It’s Always Sunny”. None of them fit quite right. Max is too obscure of a character and probably couldn’t kill a thing. Charlie is too dumb to know what he is doing. So I am going with Cartman. He’s rough around the edges and he is focused on his goals. Seriously when Cartman wants something done, he gets it done. Plus he cusses, would love a rocket launcher and would try to do everything like a badass.
- Eugene- This one is sad because sometimes Eugene seems like a genuinely unique and clever character. And other times he seems like he came from the awful “Big Bang Theory”. This means his replacement has to be nerdy and unique. Easy choice her. From “Community” please welcome Abed! Oh my, a meta nerd character pointing out all the clichés of The Walking Dead. The only problem would be that he would make all the jokes I make on a weekly basis.
- Denise- Oh Denise, we hardly know you. We know that you are bad at what you do and you might kind of be into the ladies. Since that’s all we know about you, I’m just going to replace you with someone who would entertain me more than you do. Sweet Dee from “It’s Always Sunny”. Oh yeah can you imagine Dee being in charge of saving people’s lives from zombie injuries? That would be an entire show itself!
- Michonne- She is a pretty unique character herself. And I watch too many cartoons and comedies to know who should replace her. But I started thinking about “Orange is the New Black” and decided that it would be super entertaining to see Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ wield that sword of Michonne’s. Suzanne is crazy and would wreak havoc. But she is also kind and misunderstood. I think this could work.
- Tara- Keeping on the “Orange is the New Black” train let’s replace Tara with Piper. Piper is the “star” of the show but no one really likes her. Neither fans nor other characters in the show. That seems fitting for Tara right? Plus Piper is an on-again/off-again lesbian.
- Morgan- I’ve already done this one. Morgan has to be Donatello from “The Ninja Turtles”. He wields a stick and kicks ass. He is logical and contemplative. Everyone likes him but he isn’t necessarily everyone’s favorite.
- Heath- Okay this is tough too because we don’t know much about you. But you had some comedic chemistry with Eugene in one scene. Since Eugene is now Abed, you are replaced with Troy from “Community”. I would do anything to see “Troy and Abed in the Morning” during the credits of this show.
- Jessie- Alright this one would’ve worked better with Rick’s first love interest. But nonetheless I am dropping in Kate from “Lost” here. She is tough enough to get by on her own and she is catching the main character’s attention. Sure there isn’t a Sawyer to this love triangle (like I said Lori=Kate, Rick=Jack and Shane=Sawyer makes a lot more sense) but maybe there will be one day! Or maybe Jessie’s husband was the other part of the triangle and Rick just killed that off. That’s one way to handle it.
- Enid- Damn girl you were tough. Did I want to replace you with a moody teenager from another show? Yeah but I don’t watch any moody teenager shows. At least, I won’t admit to watching any moody teenager shows. I also considered replacing you with Lizzie from this same show a few seasons back. You know, the incredibly creepy little girl that freaked everyone out. Enid is essentially a poor man’s version of Lizzie right? In the end I went with Tina Belcher from “Bob’s Burgers” because I apparently only watch cartoons. Tina is a moody teenager obsessed with boys. She never feels like she fits in and she doesn’t. But it is funnier for some reason. I almost went with Louise, her sister, but Enid is not even close to being as funny as Louise. So sadsack Tina it is.
- Carl- Definitely Matt Saracen from “Friday Night Lights”. Saracen was, essentially, Coach Taylor’s son. Saracen’s dad wasn’t around but Coach Taylor was. So that dynamic would still work since Rick was replaced with Coach Taylor. I’m serious, Jesse is probably giddy over the idea of Coach Taylor and Saracen being reunited.
- Aaron- Aaron seems logical, liberal and funny enough right? Well let’s upgrade you a bit and put in Brian from “Family Guy”. Which would make Eric, Stewie right? Not because of the gay thing, just because Brian and Stewie are always together. And a “Road to the Zombie Apocalypse” episode with these two would be the greatest.
- Father Gabriel- Gabriel is supposed to represent the man of faith. But he sucks. He just sucks. Here comes Locke from “Lost” to replace him. Locke’s journey throughout Lost was one of a man of faith. He is contemplative, empathetic, compelling and he gets shit done. He doesn’t sit around wasting everyone’s time like Gabriel. This would be a huge upgrade.
- Deanna- A strong female character that no one likes because she is a strong female character and that is “boring”? Come on in Skyler White from “Breaking Bad”. Skyler always got a bad rap. Once people started sympathizing with Walt they started hating Skyler for trying to ruin everything he worked for. AKA for doing the right thing. Also I think Skyler would have put up a better fight against Rick. If she can handle Walter White she can handle anyone.
- Judith – I’m going to follow Kevin’s format except I’m going to cheat and only use Game of Thrones characters. Boring? Maybe, but when it’s 6:08 pm mountain time, you do what you gotta do to get this thing done. I may throw in a character from The Sopranos or The Wire just to mix things up. We are going to take Gilly’s baby and swap her with Judith. Why? Because Gilly’s baby is about as useless as Judith, so no one will notice on either show and there won’t be any amber alerts.
- Rick – Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Soprano. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy it if the leader of the group wasn’t constantly eating, mercilessly whacking his own guys and falling in love with a new girl every time the group wound up in a new place.
- Daryl – Lots of options here, but I’m going to go with Omar from The Wire. Neither of these guys shower but they both kick ass and have a very unique understanding of the world. Plus, it would be hilarious if the walkers shouted, “Omar comin’!” from time to time. Yes I know that walkers don’t talk. It would still be funny.
- John Connor Carl – If this was season 2 of the show, I probably would have put King Joffrey in this role. You know, because that was back when Carl was a douche. Instead, I’m going with Tyrion Lannister. Come on, Tony Soprano and Tyrion Lannister roaming through the zombie apocalypse? Sign me up.
- Morgan – Ned Stark, because he believes in justice and honor and all that and so does Morgan now, apparently. And I know, Ned Stark isn’t alive anymore, but if my choices were limited to characters who are still alive in Game of Thrones, I would lose interest in this very quickly.
- Maggie – Ygritte from Thrones. Why? Because who Glenn is.
- Glenn – Jon Snow. Because if Glenn can come back from the “dead,” so can Jon Snow.
- Carol – No changes here. Sue me. You can’t replace Carol.
- Abraham – Bet you thought I wasn’t going to pick Sheamus for this. Well I am. I’m never letting that go.
- Michonne – One of the sand snakes from Game of Thrones. Works for me.
- Jessie – I needed to get Cersei in here at some point, so here you go. Of course, we’d have to get Jaime in here too, right?
- Denise – Brienne of Tarth.
- Enid – Arya from Thrones. Because it just makes sense, right?
- Rosita – Daenerys Targaryen. Because they are both hot and you have to have dragons in the zombie apocalypse, because reasons.
- Aaron – It’s only natural that we replace a gay guy with a guy who bangs his sister, so Jaime Lannister.
- Eugene – I want Samwell Tarly for this role, because while he may be fatter than Eugene, he is at least capable of doing things that are even remotely useful.
- Sasha – Missandei from Thrones. She’s black, Sasha’s black. Stereotypes, people. They’re faster.
- Tara – I’m not going to replace Tara. That means I’d have to think about it and if she’s not going to do that, neither am I.
- Heath – There are about a hundred characters from The Wire who would work for this. Let’s go with that. Pick any of them. I don’t care.
- Deanna – Catelyn Stark. Because mothers who make bad decisions and let their sons run amok should be linked together, right?
- Father Gabriel – I have to go with Lady Melisandre. They are both religious and that’s pretty much all I have.