Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
Every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.
This week Kevin dissects Rick’s path to Jesus. Meanwhile Jesse makes a few cheesy 80’s movie references.
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Season Score: Jesse 50 Kevin 50
- Judith- Abraham is pretty shocked by Glenn and Maggie’s decision to have kids in the zombie apocalypse. Has he forgotten than Judith was born in an even worse time to have kids? And that Judith’s shitty parents are Lori and
- Daryl- If Daryl gets to be a dick to everyone and still be fan favorite then I feel like I should be more popular too. Because, let me tell you, I’m a pretty big dick to most people.
- Maggie- So much happened in this episode with Maggie. Am I going to write about her ascendance to the throne of queen of Alexandria? Or will I write about her new found negotiation skills? No, I’m going to write about the important things. Like why the hell are you gardening at night? Was this addressed? Did I miss Glenn saying to his wife, “yo, I know you’re preggo but whats the deal with your midnight tomato planting thing you’re doing?”?
- Rick- So Jesus watches you cuddle with your new friend, naked and unmarried, and you decide to follow him? See what I did there? Rick is following Jesus. Not on Twitter and not in church but literally. Literally!
- Carol- Everyone wants to know where Carol is. Even Jesus, after he ate her heavenly delicious cookies. And all we get from Daryl is that she isn’t there. Thanks. The last time she disappeared she came back to ignite a propane tank and save everyone’s asses. Maybe she saw Daryl save everyone’s asses with the rocket launcher and went off to try to one up him.
- Carl- Did Carl stay behind to keep an eye on the camp? Is Carl stealing my puns? Dammit Carl.
- Michonne- Jesus referred to Michonne as Carl’s mom. Does this dude even know how genetics work? Isn’t it obvious that Michonne didn’t birth Carl? If she had the kid would have been waaaay smarter. Come on Jesus.
- Morgan- This new group of people at Hilltop like to use sticks as weapons too! I think we found Morgan’s new home.
- Sasha- She’s been replaced with Eugene as Abe’s partner in crime. That’s like going from first class to coach.
- Abraham- Oh poor Abraham, he has to pick between super hot Sasha and steaming hot Rosita. Or does he? This is the zombie apocalypse man! The old rules of society can change! Go for it!
- Rosita- And Rosita is back to where she started, a hot girl for all the nerds to ogle at. What a character arc she’s had.
- Tara- In all honesty I wanted to say this was my favorite episode of the season because Tara wasn’t in it. Unfortunately this episode was too dull and drawn out for me so I can’t say that. But at least Tara didn’t make it any worse?
- Jesus- Is it just me or does Jesus seem like that annoying guy in video games that asks you to do a bunch of stuff? Like, hey guys go save my friends and hey guys go kill the bullies from across the street.
- Glenn- Abe backed Glenn into a corner and asked him if the baby was planned. What can Glenn do here? He is either a reckless idiot for bringing a baby into the zombie apocalypse or he is a scared shitless dad-to-be who has no idea what he’s going to do. Either way it’s not a great look.
- Enid- I joked that Carl stayed back to keep an eye on the camp. What he was really doing was trying that line on Enid. “Hey girl, I got my eye on you ;)”
- Eugene- You know that feeling when you replace someone that everyone loved at a new job? They welcome you to the position but they sigh every time they bring up the last guy. You know you’ll never fully fit in with these people. Well that’s Eugene, except he’s replacing Abe’s crush. This should be fun.
- Denise- Hey Daryl is a dick and Denise takes it like a champ. Ha ha ha. Isn’t this funny? Daryl treating Denise like less of a person? Gotta love Daryl.
- Aaron- Okay new rule, if you aren’t in the next episode you are off the list.
- Father Gabriel- Oh Father Gabriel you’ve been designated as baby sitting bitch. A guy named Jesus shows up and no one thinks that you might like to meet him. Nope, they just drop off their child and go on grand adventures without you. I guess it’s job security right?
- Gregory- Everyone, please welcome my latest regretful add to this list. Gregory is a dick. But not in a funny way like Daryl is. No, Gregory is a dick in the way that he is just trying to do what’s best for his people who are currently getting screwed over by another group of people. See the difference? We like Daryl because he’s a funny dick and we hate Gregory because he negotiates. Get it?
- Judith – Put Abe under the “pro-choice” category.
- Rick – Just don’t tell Rick to drop his gun, people. That’s like calling Marty McFly chicken or saying Beetlejuice three times. Bad things happen.
- Daryl – No hesitation from Daryl. Got some assholes you need taken care of? Who you gonna call?… No, not the Ghostbusters. What a stupid idea.
- John Connor Carl – Carl is quickly becoming the guy who gets left behind. Which means that he’s not interesting so they like to keep him away from the action. Which means it was pointless to tease his death. This freaking show…
- Morgan – Was Morgan in the last episode? I don’t think so. (Checks Kevin’s rankings) Damn it, he made a clever joke for Morgan in his section. Getting my ass kicked here.
- Maggie – I know it’s the apocalypse but Maggie should be having some cravings by now, right? Or at least complaining that she can’t satisfy them.
- Glenn – Remember when Glenn made that condom run back in season 2 so he could have sex with Maggie? A savvy gentleman would’ve kept those on his person at all times, but alas, the condoms have gone MIA. No wonder Abe is being such a dick about it. “What was the point of all those condoms if you weren’t gonna use them, man?!!”
- Carol – Nice Walking Dead, keep your best character on the sidelines.
- Abraham – I’m not sure what Sheamus was doing in the last episode, beyond being unnaturally obsessed about babies and pregnancy. Does this have anything to do with Rosita being pregnant? Or… gasp! Sasha?
- Michonne – Ah cute, Rick and Michonne were holding hands. Barf.
- Denise – Denise thought she was pretty cool and capable. Then Daryl knocked her down a few pegs. Such is life when you’re a useless person in Rick’s group.
- Jesus – Damn it, Jesus, who do you think you are keeping the peace all the time and trying to encourage cooperation between groups? Jesus?!! More kung fu, less son of God shit, please.
- Enid – Careful Enid, Carl’s got his eye on… ah. Kevin always beats me to the good jokes.
- Rosita – I’m not so sure that Rosita wouldn’t be down for a threesome with Abe and Sasha. Hey, fuck it, right?
- Aaron – Is Aaron still on the show? I have distant memories of him actually showing up and doing things. I also have too many memories of Rick doing stuff AND things, but I digress.
- Eugene – I feel like Eugene should target the stick people for his next con. I mean they use sticks for weapons, how smart could they be? (Shhh, don’t tell Morgan)
- Sasha – Wow, they’re really doing it aren’t they? Another shitty love triangle. I may not remember what happens the rest of the season because I’ll definitely be hammered.
- Tara – When the best thing that Kevin can say about someone is that they didn’t make an episode worse? Actually, that’s pretty nice for Kevin. Especially regarding Tara.
- Father Gabriel – Rick, you don’t leave children with priests. Didn’t you watch Spotlight? Oh, you didn’t? Neither did we. And we have DVD players and Netflix.
- Gregory – You should have seen the texts that Kevin sent me when I said that we should include Gregory in our rankings. When Kevin was calling him a dick, he was really just talking about me.