Welcome back for another round of Power Ranking Ramblings! The rankings that we crank out every week are identical in order to the nonsensical ones that ESPN spews out every week. This is partly because creating power rankings from scratch is a painstakingly lengthy process and Kevin gave me the death glare when I suggested that we come up with our own. However, the main reason we do it that way is because ESPN’s rankings are… well, they are just awful. You will seldom come across something as overly biased and ill-conceived as ESPN’s opinion on who the best teams in the league are. And it’s a lot of fun to call them out on this, so the point of our rankings is to rip on ESPN’s version as much as possible.
Or at least that’s how it started. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but it’s been a fairly abysmal year for the NFL. Bad officiating, bad games and most importantly, bad teams. There are three squads in each conference who have a legitimate shot at winning the Super Bowl, and after that it’s a whole bunch of meh. So while making fun of the Worldwide Leader in Sports and its rampant stupidity is always a good time, we can scarcely allow the league’s overall mediocrity to skid by unscathed.
For those of you out there who refuse to believe that ESPN is really this dumb, you can see for yourself here…
…and then our version will be waiting for you when you get back. Like an early Christmas present!
- Dallas Cowboys, 11-1 (Last ranked 1) Kevin – Do you know why the Cowboys are called America’s Team? Because any time they have an inkling of success people shove them down our throats. Case in point? The Cowboys are in prime time football for the next three weeks straight! Two straight Sunday Night dates followed up by a Monday Night Football matchup. ESPN has to be delighted.
- New England Patriots, 10-2 (LR: 3) Jesse – This has to be the third or fourth time that ESPN has said that the Pats defense is falling under the radar. They aren’t under the radar if you keep telling us about it every week, ESPN!
- Oakland Raiders, 10-2 (LR: 2) Kevin – When Jesse proposed this column idea to me he promised this was going to be fun. Talking about why the Raiders are the 3rd best team in football is not fun Jesse!
- Seattle Seahawks, 8-3-1 (LR: 4) Jesse – Here’s a fun question, Broncos fans: who do you hate the most in this top 7? Because I loathe all of these teams. Every. Single. One.
- Pittsburgh Steelers, 7-5 (LR: 9) Kevin – The Steelers beat the Colts, Browns and Giants and ESPN is ready to welcome them back to the top 5. 2016 is a really bad year for football, people.
- Baltimore Ravens, 7-5 (LR: 13) Jesse – Apparently, the Ravens blowing out the 16th ranked Dolphins means that they could also beat the Chiefs, Lions and Broncos. Because reasons?
- Kansas City Chiefs, 9-3 (LR: 6) Kevin – Attention Broncos fans, we have to root for the Chiefs to beat the Raiders tonight. Because life is hard sometimes.
- Detroit Lions, 8-4 (LR: 7) Jesse – At what point do we start discussing the Ewing Theory in regards to the Lions? If they make the playoffs? If they win a playoff game? It doesn’t make sense that this team is better without Megatron, but they are this year.
- Denver Broncos, 8-4 (LR: 5) Kevin – It’s hilarious that the Broncos dropped 5 spots after a 20-10 win over the Jaguars. I’m dubbing this the Jaguars Effect. If you don’t beat them by 21 points, you suck and you get dropped in the rankings.
- Atlanta Falcons, 7-5 (LR: 8) Jesse – Oh sure Falcons, come in to Denver and kick our asses and then you lose to Kansas City because of a two-point conversion gone wrong? Thanks for nothing.
- Green Bay Packers, 6-6 (LR: 24) Kevin – Okay, ESPN is just fucking with me right? The Packers jumped 13 spots?! After beating the Texans? 13 spots?! This is all some sort of prank set up to drive me crazy right?
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 7-5 (LR: 14) Jesse – So since Jameis Winston isn’t a loser, does that mean that he gets free crab legs from ESPN now? Only winners get crab legs, right? Or is that limited to wings?
- Washington Redskins, 6-5-1 (LR: 11) Kevin – I’m sorry, I can’t think of a joke, I’m still fuming about the Packers jump.
- New York Giants, 8-4 (LR: 10) Jesse – Doubt the Giants all that you want. Just don’t let them get into the playoffs.
- Minnesota Vikings, 6-6 (LR: 18) Kevin – “There’s no better cure for your ills than a game against the Jaguars, and that’s exactly what the Vikings have this week” but be wary of the Jaguar Effect! It’s a thing, I swear.
- Miami Dolphins, 7-5 (LR: 12) Jesse – Not to steal Kevin’s joke, but is there such a thing as the Miami effect? Meaning you move WAY up in the rankings if you beat them? It worked for the Ravens.
- Arizona Cardinals, 5-6-1 (LR: 23) Kevin – “If the Cardinals were any better overall, David Johnson might be receiving MVP buzz.” I just want to take a moment to thank David Johnson. He single handily got me the #1 seed in my fantasy football playoffs. You’ve done good David, I’m sorry you’re rotting in Arizona.
- Buffalo Bills, 6-6 (LR: 17) Jesse – The Ryan bros. struggle to stay over .500 in football, just like they struggle to keep their weight under 500 in real life.
- Tennessee Titans, 6-6 (LR: 19) Kevin – Somehow I’m actually nervous to play the Titans this Sunday. What kind of world so we live in?
- Philadelphia Eagles, 5-7 (LR: 20) Jesse – Uh oh. If the wheels have come off the Wentz wagon already, it won’t be long before Philly tips that thing over and sets it on fire. These are the same fans who threw snowballs at Santa Claus.
- San Diego Chargers, 5-7 (LR: 15) Kevin – This is more like it, our AFC West rivals rotting at the bottom of the rankings. Never change San Diego.
- Houston Texans, 6-6 (LR: 16) Jesse – Here’s something that really intrigues me: if Matt Schaub is the best quarterback in Texans history, how much worse does that make Bruce Osweiler look than he already does?
- Carolina Panthers, 4-8 (LR: 22) Kevin – The Panthers are a hot mess. I call that the Von Miller Effect.
- Cincinnati Bengals, 4-7-1 (LR: 28) Jesse – All Bengals fans want for Christmas is Mike Zimmer back.
- Indianapolis Colts, 6-6 (LR: 25) Kevin – The Colts could still win the AFC South. This season is making me hate football.
- New Orleans Saints, 5-7 (LR: 21) Jesse – ESPN’s right, Drew Brees. The Saints ARE weird. You have an open invitation to come on down to Denver and play for the less weird Broncos anytime you want. Worked out pretty well for the last surefire hall of famer.
- Los Angeles Rams, 4-8 (LR: 27) Kevin – ESPN points out that Jared Goff is off to a bad start. Maybe it’s because the Rams suck? Or maybe it’s because his coach sucks? Or maybe they’re right and Goff sucks. But it’s probably all of the above.
- Chicago Bears, 3-9 (LR: 30) Jesse – Sorry ESPN, but Jordan Howard is disappointing to me too, mainly because I didn’t pick him up in fantasy.
- New York Jets, 3-9 (LR: 26) Kevin – This week in the NFL the 29th ranked New York Jets take on the 31st ranked San Francisco 49ers. I use this joke every week, I know. But damn this is going to be an ugly ass game.
- Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-10 (LR: 29) Jesse – The only thing worse than giving Brent Osweiler $72 million is giving Malik Jackson $90 million.
- San Francisco 49ers, 1-11 (LR: 31) Kevin – They lost to John Fox and the Chicago Bears. Can we send them down to the college level or something? There has to be some punishment for that.
- Cleveland Browns, 0-12 (LR: 32) Jesse – If the Browns win this weekend, Kevin is going to wear an RG3 jersey on Christmas. No matter how much he protests or says I’m making this up, don’t let him break that commitment. Come on Browns, don’t let us down!