Hello and welcome to Pegboards’ Fifth Annual NFL Mock Draft where the rules are made up and the picks don’t matter because we will be wrong 95% of the time.

This year Jesse and I are switching things up slightly. We have pulled our “friends” Eric and Ryan into the mix to help us throw darts at the mock draft dart board. Why would we do this you ask? Is it because we realized we lack some real expertise and sought out intelligent football minds to help bring some professionalism to this blog? Hahaha, no, of course not, it’s mostly because we are lazy (if you haven’t noticed by the lack of updates lately).

So here’s how it’s going to go, the draft order is Eric, Jesse, Ryan, and myself, Kevin. We were allowed to make trades but, spoiler alert, none of us did. Jesse and I will be providing most of the commentary for each pick. We will most likely use our pick’s commentary to praise ourselves and use their pick’s taking some deep shots at their character, intelligence, and overall self-esteem. So just normal, healthy friend stuff.

Without further ado, the Browns of Cleveland are on the clock…

1- Cleveland Browns: Myles Garrett, DE, Texas A&M

Jesse: Eric started things off by making the pick that pretty much anyone with a brain has been making for the Browns for the past few months. Incidentally, I gave Eric crap for taking too long to make this pick and for some reason wasn’t aware that I was going to be on the clock next, which led to Kevin giving me crap for taking too long! Things were already off to a rousing start in this new mock draft format.

Anyway, Garrett is supposedly the best player and the Browns are definitely the worst team, so kudos to Eric for doing the most sensible thing here. I can’t say the Browns will do the same.

2- San Francisco 49ers: Solomon Thomas, DE, Stanford

Jesse: As Kevin was telling me to move my ass and pick already, I suddenly remembered how dreadful I am at predicting who teams will actually select. That’s why I presented you with a Broncos-centric draft article earlier this week, which you can read here. And considering that the Niners are currently run by a guy with zero experience in an NFL front office (no offense John Lynch) and a rookie head coach who probably has a lot more say in personnel than he should, who knows what they’ll do here. I certainly don’t. I went with Thomas because the clock was ticking, he’s been a popular pick for them in other mocks and I was feeling the pressure.

3- Chicago Bears: Jonathan Allen, DL, Alabama

Kevin: Our good friend Ryan (I use good loosely) went with a solid and predictable pick here for Da Bears. Which is a shame because I have nothing to make fun of him for. And the Bears have been so irrelevant lately that I have no jokes for them. Move along people, nothing to see here.

4- Jacksonville Jaguars: Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU

Kevin: Finally we get to a guy who knows what he is talking about. I went with Leonard Fournette because I feel like the Jaguars don’t really have an identity outside of Mark Brunell. Wait, I just got word that Mark Brunell hasn’t been on the Jaguars since 2003. Huh, weird. So like I was saying I think the Jags saw the success that the Cowboys had after picking up Ezekiel Elliott last season and figure, why the hell not?

5- Tennessee Titans: Jamal Adams, S, LSU

Jesse: Eric’s presentation for his picks was a massive disappointment, as Ryan pointed out.

“Who ya got for the Titans, Eric?”

“Jamal Adams.”

Oh. Well, okay then. Thanks for playing dude. He’s making smart picks, so I have to find something to make fun of him for.

6- New York Jets: Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio St.

Jesse: Kevin plays as the Jets in our Madden franchise. Kevin hates Ohio St. I didn’t need any more motivation to make this pick. That was plenty for me. Also, Kevin moved the Jets to Houston and revived the Oilers in said franchise. He did this mostly to make Ryan mad, but I still think it’s funny that he basically gave the Jets and their fans a giant middle finger.

Why would that make Ryan mad, you ask? Because Ryan plays as the Texans. Or at least he did until recently, when he moved them to Mexico City and rechristened them as the Diablos. The No Fun League is rather amusing in our franchise.

7- Los Angeles Chargers: Malik Hooker, S, Ohio St.

Kevin: Ryan had the honor of picking for the newly anointed Los Angeles Chargers and he went with a dude named Hooker? Maybe he thought he was picking for the Las Vegas Raiders?

8- Carolina Panthers: Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford

Kevin: As a few of you may know I am terrible at mock drafts, except when it comes to running backs. Without fact checking, for fear of proving myself wrong, I managed to predict a couple of Broncos’ running backs draft picks as well as Melvin Gordon to the Chargers. (Meanwhile Jesse is famous for the exact opposite, in 2015 he picked Todd Gurley to the Dolphins and in 2016 Ezekiel Elliott to…the Dolphins. FYI Jesse is picking for the Dolphins again this year and probably would’ve had McCaffrey go there if it wasn’t for me).

Like I was saying, picking RBs is my thing. So Leonard Fournette to the Jags and Christian McCaffrey to the Panthers is a near guarantee from me.

Also I once played basketball with Christian at a 24 Hour Fitness. At that time he was 4′ 5″ and like 75 pounds. I’m not saying we should drug test him but I’m not not saying that either.

9- Cincinnati Bengals: Cam Robinson, OT, Alabama

Jesse: The Bengals did just lose two of their top linemen in free agency, so this is another pick by Eric that makes sense. Why are you doing logical things for the Browns and Bengals, Eric? Don’t you know that those two teams have staked their reputations on making illogical moves? Stop messing with their routine, man!

10- Buffalo Bills: Corey Davis, WR, Western Michigan

Jesse: Eric runs the Bills in our Madden franchise. He’s always complaining about how his receivers can’t hold on to the ball. No idea how Corey Davis does in that department, but he’s a receiver and I thought it would make my friend happy. Then I remembered that the real Bills are a total mess, as always, so I thought maybe I should change this pick for one of their other needs. But then I figured that since Davis played at Michigan, he won’t have to move too far for his job after college. Most players in Buffalo probably bitch constantly about the cold and all the losing. Davis should be less bitchy than most.

11- New Orleans Saints:  Jabrill Peppers, S, Michigan

Kevin: First Hooker and now Peppers. If Ryan hadn’t gone with a guy named Allen with his first pick I would think he was just picking guys with ridiculous names. Originally I thought this pick was a steal for the Saints. But then Jabrill “Red Hot Chili” Peppers decided to pee in a cup and have the test come back diluted. Which seems like a giant flaw in the whole system. I mean if your urine can be so clean that drugs don’t appear in it then did you ever really do drugs in the first place? Seems like the type of question someone would ask themselves when they are high AF.

Fun story, my wife once failed a drug test due to dilution. Which means whenever I lose to her at Mario Kart (not often) I remind her of the PEDs she’s on. Such a cheater.

12- Cleveland Browns: Mitchell Trubisky, QB, UNC

Kevin: Alright I get to pick for my adopted city of Cleveland. To be honest I don’t have very many close friends here in Cleveland that are Browns fans. Mostly because I don’t condone having friends who are dumb enough to root for the team. But before I made this pick I asked my Browns fan friend who he wanted his team to grab. And he said Deshaun Watson, champion QB out of Clemson. Well I figured the Browns only exist to provide pain to their fans so why not go against his wishes and pick local kid Mitchell Trubisky.

Another fun fact. Mitchell is from Mentor, Ohio which is a 30 minute drive from Cleveland. And locals call it ‘Menor’. They drop the ‘T’ for no good reason. It’s actually not a fun fact because it drives me crazy. There’s no such thing as a silent ‘T’!

13- Arizona Cardinals: Reuben Foster, LB, Alabama

Jesse: Here’s yet another fun fact: my girlfriend is a Cardinals fan. Okay, that’s probably more fun for other people than it was for her last season, but when I see her next I’ll tell her who Eric picked for her team and see what she says. Stay tuned…

…so she was perfectly fine with it, citing the shaky past of the Honey Badger and the recently reinstated Daryl Washington (hasn’t played since 2013!) as reasons why Foster would be a great fit for her team. Then she asked what the point of a mock draft was, for which I didn’t have a good answer.

“So it’s all just for shits and giggles, then?” she asked.

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

Relationship goals: admitting to your girlfriend that something you’ve spent hours on with your friends was entirely for shits and giggles, and her being okay with it.

14- Philadelphia Eagles: Tre’Davious White, CB, LSU

Jesse: I didn’t realize it at the time, but picking a guy with a name as ridiculous as Tre’Davious for the Eagles made a lot of sense. Not for football reasons, mind you. Ryan is our resident Eagles fan and he’s made a habit in this mock of picking guys with odd names. I was just making the pick for his team that he probably would’ve made. Go me!

15- Indianapolis Colts: OJ Howard, TE, Alabama

Kevin: Ryan picked for the Colts and decided to heck with fixing an o-line that keeps screwing over their franchise QB and went with a play making TE who is drawing comparisons to Julius Thomas. Actually that sounds exactly like something Jim Irsay’s team would do. Besides this draft is said to have a weak class for offensive linemen so grabbing a skilled pass catching TE who can wreak havoc on linebackers should provide Luck with a new toy to play with. Good job Ryan.

16- Baltimore Ravens: Forrest Lamp, G, Western Kentucky

Kevin: I will admit when I made this pick I made a Forrest Gump joke. It wasn’t my proudest moment. But hey maybe one day Forrest will line up as an eligible receiver and Joe ‘Elite’ Flacco will throw it to him and the defense won’t know what’s happening. And then he will start running and the commentator will say, “Run Forrest run!” and Deadspin, ESPN and every single news outlet will pick it up with great joy. And I’ll stand here and bitch and moan that I thought of it first.

17- Washington Redskins: Derek Barnett, LB/DE, Tennessee

Jesse: I was once kicked out of a group chat with these kids for saying Redskins. When I tried to stay out for awhile, Kevin kept inviting me back in no matter how many times I left it. “Every time I thought I was out, he pulled me back in!”

Oh, why was I kicked out for saying Redskins? Because it’s offensive! Don’t you watch ESPN and trust everything that Roger Goodell says?! I may get kicked out of this for saying it again…

18- Tennessee Titans: Mike Williams, WR, Clemson

Jesse: Phew, that was close! Anyway, did you know that there’s already been two other wide receivers named Mike Williams that have played in the NFL recently? If only all three of them had Twitter accounts. The confusion would be more rampant than it is for Brandon Marshall the linebacker, who is still constantly mistaken for Brandon Marshall the wide receiver.

This Mike Williams is coming off a National Championship, so he’s doing pretty well as far as Mike Williams’ are concerned. I wonder if he’ll get tired of being compared to the other two Mike Williams’ and start asking to be called Michael. Or Mick. Mick Williams, everyone! That’s my vote.

19- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: David Njoku, TE, Miami

Kevin: Apparently Ryan is the tight end whisperer (giggity). Ryan goes with another TE here to the Bucs. I guess Ryan believes every franchise QB needs an elite tight end. Maybe it’s because he’s watched me dominate Madden with only a tight end before. Clearly he sees my innovation and wants to spread the word.

Njoku is only 20-years-old so I hope he enjoys a celebratory coca-cola on draft night. Maybe a chocolate milk but only if his mom says it’s okay. And not too close to bedtime.

20- Denver Broncos: Garett Bolles, OT, Utah

Kevin: Okay when I heard I had to pick for the Broncos this year I went ahead and read Jesse’s Broncos Draft Needs article and I came away…well overwhelmed. They need a QB, RB, WR, TE, Offensive Line, Defensive Line, LB, CB and some help on Special Teams. Did you forget the kitchen sink Jesse? At least he was kind enough to eliminate safety as a possibility. Gee thanks man.

I went with the best available tackle I could find. Despite this being a weak class for offensive lineman and that many, many teams need help with their o-line. Anyone find this steep decline in offensive lineman troubling? It seems like no one outside of Oakland/Las Vegas has their shit together. Wow, that’s a sentence I never thought I would write.

Time for another fun fact! In five years of mock drafts I have never picked for the Broncos. Jesse has had a monopoly on the team for years. Let’s review how he has done:

2013: Jesse’s Mock, Bjoern Werner, DE. Actual Pick, Sylvester Williams, DT

Points for getting the defensive line aspect correct. But negative points because he really wanted to draft Manti Te’o. No really, Jesse was incredibly high on Manti Te’o.

2014: Jesse’s Mock, Ryan Shazier, LB. Actual Pick, Bradley Roby, CB

Points for getting the school right. Both Shazier and Roby come from, sigh, THE Ohio State University.

2015: Jesse’s Mock, Cameron Erving, C. Actual Pick, Shane Ray, LB

Points for, “Kevin broke my heart a bit when he picked up Shane Ray...” Jesse would have totally picked Shane Ray had I not the audacity to mock him in the top ten to the Giants. My bad bro.

2016: Jesse’s Mock, Paxton Lynch, QB. Actual Pick, Paxton Lynch, QB

Points for…absolutely nailing it! Wow good job Jesse. He even predicted they would trade up to the 27th pick (they traded to the 26th). Damn, this guy is good.

21- Detroit Lions: Jordan Willis, OLB, Kansas State

Jesse: Eric’s run of logic for teams with illogical pasts ends with Detroit, who draft some guy I’ve never heard of. That’s not saying much, because I haven’t heard of most of the players in this draft, but still. The Lions were doing so well lately too, Eric. Luckily, the city of Detroit is already dead, so you won’t have to worry about any kind of backlash.

22- Miami Dolphins: Gareon Conley, CB, Ohio State

Jesse: If Kevin thinks he wouldn’t have taken Christian McCaffrey for the Broncos before I had a chance with the Dolphins, he is DREAMING. I don’t care how many subtle steroids accusations he wants to make against that guy just because McCaffrey schooled him in basketball one time.

Also, bad news for Gareon Conley: you are either going to turn out to be a rapist, or you are just an idiot for putting yourself in a potentially damaging situation to begin with. And while our mock took place before that story was reported, that’s not the case for the actual draft. You better go find something to do for the next few days, Gareon. You’re gonna have some time to kill waiting for your phone to ring.

23- New York Giants: Ryan Ramchekzxzyzk, OT, Wisconsin

Kevin: Ryan picked a Ryan here for the Giants. I will go on record stating that I don’t believe that his last name is spelled “Ramcheckzxzyzk” but I am not willing to waste time Googling that shit and that’s how Ryan spelled it. Plus he’s a Ryan, he knows more about Ryans than I will ever know.

Ryan went with the best available tackle and to be honest I almost picked this dude for the Broncos a few picks ago but I flipped a coin and that coin said, “Garett Bolles”. Oddly specific for a coin don’t ya think?

24- Oakland Raiders: Kevin King, CB, Washington

Kevin: Apparently I thought Ryan’s strategy of drafting Ryans was genius as I went for a Kevin here. Not only that but the King of Kevins!

Do you think the NFL will make him change his last name when they move to Vegas to something that doesn’t directly tie to gambling? I’m willing to bet on this. I’ll put the odds at 6-1.

25- Houston Texans: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson

Jesse: The Diablos are up! Eric goes with Watson as the next quarterback that Bill O’Brien will run out of town after one season as the starter. No wait, it’s Tom Savage’s turn this year, THEN it would be Watson’s next year. Wouldn’t it be great if Houston kept making the playoffs year after year, but its quarterback play never improves? And then they refuse to fire O’Brien because he keeps getting them to the playoffs? It’s the simple things in life you treasure.

26- Seattle Seahawks: Malik McDowell, DT, Michigan State

Jesse: Apparently Seattle is actually considering trading up for a tackle in the first round. That never occurred to me. I just figured Seattle is content with being cheap as fuck when it comes to getting linemen and letting Russell Wilson run for his life on every play. And McDowell believes that he’s a top three player in this draft, which is the sort of arrogance we see all the time from the Bitch Pigeons. He’ll fit in just fine.

27- Kansas City Chiefs: Patrick Maholmes, QB, Texas Tech

Kevin: Ryan just did something that the Chiefs haven’t done in 34 years, draft a QB in the first round. It’s a bold strategy Cotton.

Fun fact, we nicknamed Maholmes, Donut. Because Andy Reid loves donuts. Who doesn’t?

28- Dallas Cowboys: Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan

Kevin: Speaking of delicious and questionably healthy foods, I selected none other than THE Taco Charlton out of Michigan. And honestly I cannot wait for the Dallas headline on Friday morning that says, “Soft or Hard Taco? Boys Grab Delicious Treat from Michigan”

29- Green Bay Packers: Chidobe Awuzie, CB, Colorado

Jesse: It’s worth noting that Eric made this pick and he’s a big Packers fan. It’s also worth pointing out that a CU guy is going in the first round. What’s not worth mentioning is that I’m about out of jokes and am trying to distract you from this fact. Nope, not worth bringing up at all.

30- Pittsburgh Steelers: John Ross, WR, Washington

Jesse: I probably should’ve picked Hasson Reddick, but I stopped paying attention to Kevin’s spreadsheet of previous picks and didn’t know that he was still available. Oh well, Ross would be a good fit. He runs fast and Antonio Brown runs fast and Martavis Bryant runs fast and Le’Veon Bell… hesitates for five seconds and then runs fast. Ross will be perfect for them.

31- Atlanta Falcons: Dan Smith, FB, BYU

Kevin: At this point in the mock draft, our dear friend (I use dear loosely) Ryan was angsty and tired. His concentration was wrecked and he just wanted out. He attempted to trade this pick to Jesse for nothing. But Jesse declined. So what did our friend do? He drafted a fake fullback out of a Mormon school in the first round. And did we fight him on this act of treason? No, we laughed, we cried and we gave him the finger.

Anyway if you want to read more about the impressive Dan Smith check out the scouting report here.

Also it wouldn’t surprise me if the Falcons blew this in real life. I mean they are picking at 31. In case you weren’t aware, the Falcons allowed 31 points after blowing a 28-3 lead. And the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead. As did the Cleveland Indians. They might as well blow the 31st pick and grab a fake FB out of BYU. Why the hell not?

32- New Orleans Saints: Hasson Reddick, LB, Temple

Kevin: Honestly this should be the Saints’ pick at 11 but Ryan decided to go with a diluted Peppers. So I had to come in and right the sinking ship that is New Orleans. Much like how FEMA acted to fix New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Whoops. Too soon?

I’m actually visiting New Orleans in two weeks so before I rile up a storm of controversy, I will apologize. I really think the city will blow me away.