Welcome back to our Walking Dead Death Rankings! It was a strange week in the zombie apocalypse, as the only character on our list who was even in this episode was The Governor. What followed was an attempt to humanize the man who slaughtered his own people and his best friend last season, and I don’t think I’m alone in saying that it came completely out of left field.

As for our rankings, things are going to be a bit different this week. Seeing as Rick’s group was nowhere to be found, we don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense to rank those characters again and will simply stick with our post from last week. This will be a separate set of rankings, where several new characters will make their debut on our list as we discuss at length The Governor’s attempt at redemption. It may be unorthodox, but we just take what the show gives us and lately it hasn’t been giving us much.

(Note: Each week Kevin and I will rank the Walking Dead characters from least likely to die to most likely to die. If a character does perish then we earn points. For instance if the Governor dies this week then Kevin will have 1 points and I will have 1 point.)

Jesse’s Rankings: 

1. The Governor – Well, they didn’t dedicate an entire episode to the guy just to write him off now. I was wondering how the writers would handle The Governor’s return and it definitely didn’t happen how I thought it would, which is both good and bad. First, he’s wandering around Georgia, acting all detached and looking a lot like Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid (that was good!), and next thing you know he’s playing the role of surrogate father to a family that thinks his name is Brian. Not that it wasn’t a well acted episode or anything, but it was just… so freaking odd. I don’t want good things for The Governor. I don’t care that he lost his family or that he was ditched by his only remaining followers, mainly because he’s a maniacal douchebag, so it pisses me off that I actually felt sympathetic towards him during this episode. Don’t worry, it’s only a matter of time until The Governor shows his true colors once more.
2. Meghan – I’ll give this kid some props, she isn’t nearly as creepy as Lizzie from Rick’s group. On the other hand, dear little Meghan sees The Governor is a stand up dude because he knows a lot about chess and thinks creative ways to dispatch walkers. She loses brownie points solely because of that.
3. Tara – Not much to say about this chick other than the fact that she is full of one-liners and apparently plays for the other team. I was only aware of one of these things after my initial viewing of last week’s episode because the whole lesbian thing was subtle as fuck. Typically I try to avoid addressing the same points as Kevin for variety’s sake, but for this week I can make an exception.
4. Lilly – Forgive me if I was reminded of Andrea when this lady decided that The Governor was suitable enough to satisfy her desires. I hate being reminded of Andrea, because much like everyone else who watches this show, I couldn’t stand Andrea.
5. Martinez – Man Kevin is making me look bad this week. I’ll substitute any sort of relevant commentary with a random footnote. I work with a guy whose last name is Martinez. He watches the Walking Dead. This guy is pretty funny, is well-liked at work and is more or less the kind of person you’d want to be in the foxhole with when the apocalypse hit. Basically, he is the exact opposite of the show’s Martinez, who is devoid of any sort of personality and I am almost certain has never cracked a joke. I don’t blame him for abandoning The Governor, but on the other hand I wouldn’t care at all if his return was rather short-lived.

Kevin’s Rankings: (Jesse, I have no idea what these character’s names are. And I am far too lazy to do a Google search. So any clarification would be great so I don’t have to keep calling a certain someone, ‘Lesbian Cop’. Thanks buddy)

1. The Governor- I am going to take this space to describe how I felt while watching this episode. The Governor’s side story reminded me of the first hour of playing a brand new video game. The episode opened up with a fully bearded character stumbling around a deserted town. I could visualize this being the dramatic opening scene of a video game as credits flash on the scene leading up to the title being displayed the moment that The Governor sees the little girl in the window. Next we are shown multiple cut scenes, which is the norm in modern day video games, while The Governor has very little to say even when prompted to respond by another human. Sometimes the cut scenes are interrupted by minor missions that are intended to get the player used to the controls. In this case The Governor was asked to make his way up to another apartment in order to retrieve a backgammon game. This mission is easy enough, and teaches the player just the minor controls. Next he is asked to go to the old person’s home a couple of blocks away and retrieve an oxygen tank. This mission will teach the player how to fight and will show the player what to expect as enemies. Following this we are treated to many more cut scenes until the end when we must move past the incoming zombie horde in order to save the little girl. Seriously go watch it again and imagine it is a video game. Better yet, go learn to program and get a job with The Walking Dead video game and suggest turning this episode into a mission so that I can play it.
2. The Little Girl- This little girl seems to be filling a void for The Governor. This is a bad idea little girl. Run away! I feel like she is safer than the rest of the group because she is the only thing keeping The Governor sane. Hopefully this girl gets saved by the main group before it is too late.
3. The Lesbian Cop- Yes she is a lesbian and yes the writers barely threw that in there at a very random moment. If she thought dating life was hard before then she is going to be in for quite a struggle during these zombie times. Unless all the lesbians gathered together to start their own civilization and are now peacefully living together in San Francisco. But that sounds more likely for porn than it does for The Walking Dead. And yes, I could spend some time naming possible titles for The Walking Dead porn but that would be inappropriate. Besides there is a 100% chance that this already exists on the internet. So, uh, what was I doing again?
4. The Mother- Ah yes, I am supposed to be doing my death watch rankings. Sorry about that. Well The Governor and The Mother sure added an appropriate scene to my imagined The Walking Dead porn, by getting it on…in the back of a truck…after knowing each other for 2 days…right next to her sister…and her daughter. I mean seriously people? Have some damn courtesy! Look I know it is tough to get some during the apocalypse (unless you’re Glenn) but come on! Couldn’t you have found something for the kiddos to do while you did the deed? Or if you have the balls to do it right next to them then what is the difference if you just say, “Hey guys we have some…business to handle. Could you step out for five minutes?” Seriously The Lesbian Cop is probably going to take the next car to San Fran while The Little Girl is scarred for life.
5. Martinez- Okay so I somehow managed to turn my Walking Dead rankings into comparisons to video games and porn. It was a strange episode alright? I am going to try to spare Martinez from these comparisons and just say that he is the character that says nothing and yet is still around. He is The Governor’s version of Beth. Except I doubt he can sing as well. Then again, who knows? Maybe he has a voice of an angel.