Welcome to our Walking Dead Power Rankings.  Jesse has 80 points while Kevin has 86.

(Note: Each week Jesse and I will rank the Walking Dead characters from least likely to die to most likely to die. If a character does perish then we earn points. For instance if Glenn dies this week then Jesse will have 7 points and I will have 5 points.)

Kevin’s Rankings

1. Daryl- Wow I can’t believe how thrilled I was that two fictional little girls died this week. Is this show turning its viewers into mindless zombies who desire brains and guts? Or are the characters so awful that the audience just naturally wants them dead? Or am I a sadistic, competitive freak? Definitely the latter.

2. Judith- I hate to break it to you guys but Little Ass Kicker completely failed her first test to kick ass. Sure she is still a baby but her first challenge was a 7-year-old girl! Not a good sign folks, not a good sign.

3. Carl- Is Carl going through his, “sleep in until noon, never leave the basement and barely say a word to your parents” phase of his teenage angst? I only ask because we haven’t seen him in weeks.

4. Maggie- Last seen being the third wheel on a romantic walk along the railroad tracks with Bob and Tasha. She probably keeps catching them holding hands and has to act like she didn’t notice. Awkward.

5. Glenn- Glenn on the other hand is stuck with quite the mismatched crew. You have the guy who dyes his hair red and who smiles while killing things, the nerd who thinks he is playing some sort of real-world-zombified version of Dungeons and Dragons, Lara Croft, and a lesbian. Wait don’t go there. You are totally fantasizing about Lara Croft getting it on lesbian style right now aren’t you? Dammit. There is no way you are finishing this article now.

6. Rick- Everyone’s favorite mumbler has been quiet lately. I think the last we saw of him was when he was running off from the house with those presumed bad guys right? Are those the same bad guys that Daryl ran into? It has to be right? Which means Daryl has to be pretty close to them right now. Daryl probably saw Rick, Carl and Michonne and was about to yell out to them before, realizing his stupidity, he chuckled to himself and decided he liked his chances alone than with those guys.

7. Michonne- When the inevitable Pirates of the Caribbean 8 (or whatever) comes out, can we please cast Danai Gurira? That is the only thing I can think of when I see her. Or she could star in the next Assassin’s Creed game. I wish I had a joke for you here but I don’t. Just an observation. Sorry.

8. Abraham- I figured out why Abe likes to dye his hair red. It is the same color as the blood that spurts out from the things he kills! His hair has to match his blood-stained teeth as he is grinning like a maniac while chopping up some zombies right? It’s all about style!

9. Carol- She survived the Lizzie-Apocalypse! I should put Carol at #1 for forever now. If she can survive a demon-child like Lizzie then she is invincible! But seriously, everyone seemed pretty shaken up by last week’s events. I thought it was a great episode and really well done but it didn’t negatively impact me. Why? Because demon-children cannot continue to live. I’m sorry, I said it. Jesse and I were mentally preparing for that moment for weeks. So when it happened I felt relief.

10. Tyreese- Actually I felt anger as Lizzie stared at the flowers. I was hoping she would at least take down the insufferably boring Tyreese before she was reunited with her father (Satan, for clarification). Okay that isn’t fair. Tyreese only sucks because he was supposed to be awesome. He was suppose to save this show from the horribleness it has become. Basically he was like an Oakland Raiders’ draft pick. He only seems so bad because he had potential before he got sucked into the black hole of the show.

11. Eugene- Man, I have written more words about this nerd than he has spoken. Remember the Lara Croft lesbian joke from earlier? Of course you do. Well Eugene seems like the kind of guy who would hack into a Lara Croft game and mod it to create a lesbian mode. Sorry I shouldn’t make fun of the future savior of human kind. But a mullet? Really?

12. Beth- The season of Beth continues. Seriously this show has spent more time on her than any other character. And who do I blame? Myself. I bitched about the lack of Beth all of last season. I made fun of her for having more singing lines than speaking lines. And now I (and everyone else) am paying for it. I am so, so sorry. I should just quit writing now.

13. Rosita- I feel like I should apologize to Rosita and her twin Lara Croft. Oh crap. Now you are thinking about Rosita and Lara Croft and lesbians and twins and all of that nonsense aren’t you? When will the madness end?! Perverts.

14. Bob- I always thought Bob would take back the bottom spot once the children were out of the picture. But now he has gone on to find companionship and purpose. He seems happy and is just enjoying being alive. His character is finally developing and I think the audience is connecting with him and…Oh crap…I feel like he is getting set up to die now. Once we finally start to like him, he is going to get taken from us. This is why we can’t have nice things people!

15. Tara- I keep skipping this girl like I am playing hopscotch. Does that make sense? I never played hopscotch. Because it was girly. And guys aren’t supposed to like girly things. Like hula-hooping and easy bake ovens and touching each other’s boobs. That’s what girls do together right? RIGHT?! Don’t ruin this for me!

16. Sasha- You’re at the bottom Sasha. Mostly because Bob’s whole deal is that everything he loves is taken from him and he is destined to be alone. Its your own fault. Don’t ever hook up with a guy who is destined to be alone. It never ends well.

Jesse’s Rankings

1. Daryl – So I started playing The Last of Us recently and it’s fucking unbelievable. I already know that it’s one of the best games I’ve ever played and I’m not even halfway through it. The downside to all this is that I am even less motivated to talk about this show than I was before, but I promised that my rankings would be better this week and by god they will be!

2. Judith – Ladies and gentlemen, the last little girl standing! The deaths of both Mica and Lucifer Incarnate Lizzie guarantees that Judith will remain with us for a good long while. This gives her ample time to hone her skills so that she can learn how to defend herself from bullies and psychotic children instead of just sitting there and looking cute.

3. Carl – Sorry John Connor, but you won’t be embarking on your very own angst-ridden teenage romance any time soon. The only girl close to your age is dead and Beth only has eyes for Daryl now. You are about to give new meaning to the term “sexual frustration” and I’m pretty sure that none of us are ready for how agonizing that’s going to be. Just do us all a favor and go celibate before it’s too late.

4. Rick – Is Rick even the lead character on this show anymore? Andrew Lincoln may still have the (dis)honor of receiving top billing in the opening credits, but it seems to me that being the lead means that you need to show up more than once every three episodes, not that I’m complaining, mind you. As thrilling as it is to hear Rick talk like a drunk hobo and be as indiscreet as possible while hiding from people, I can’t say that my life is any less complete without any of that. 

5. Michonne – If I may take Kevin’s reference and run in a different direction, I think Michonne would be right at home on “Game of Thrones.” Looks badass? Check. Expert at killing things? Uh-huh. A whole legion of fans that want to see her nude? You bet. Oh wait, you mean they just want to see Maggie naked? Well she can come too. Make it happen HBO.

6. Beth – Oh man, I don’t know. Even with the deaths of the children of the corn, this show is still increasingly bloated from all of the insignificant characters and pointless subplots, and now Beth goes and gets abducted? I bet you 20 bucks she only let that happen so that she can find out if Daryl really likes her not by waiting for him to rescue her. Beth is the most confusing character ever and just seems like the kind of girl who would play that kind of game.

7. Glenn – I just have nothing for you Glenn. Week after week goes by and you remain as stagnant and uninspiring as ever. On top of that, you are right at the center of the most awkward co-op mission that I’ve ever seen. It’s just not your year man.

8. Sasha – As much as we badmouth Tyreese around here, Sasha has been a lot worse recently. Let me get this straight – you’d rather hole up on the second floor of a dilapidated building and make that place your safehouse than go to a known settlement and see if your brother is there, because you’re afraid that he might be dead and you don’t want to know for sure? This is the kind of shit that ostracized Lori from the audience’s good graces and Sasha, you are THIS fucking close to following suit if you don’t wise up. Tyreese may be a complete meat head, but he would run through a fucking wall for his sister and she doesn’t even want to go look for him? Ugh. Seriously, fuck you Sasha.

9. Tara – Huh? Oh sorry, I was imagining Tara getting it on with Rosita. Anyway, you want to know something really sad? I would be much more willing to entrust my life to Tara than to Abraham or Eugene. That’s right, I would follow the depressed lesbian over the G.I. Joe or the geek who’s supposed to save the world mainly because I would crack up every time I looked at either of those two.

10. Abraham – I didn’t catch Raw last week so I’m not real sure what Sheamus was up to, and Abraham was nowhere to be seen either. This is likely because these guys were prepping for the inevitable crossover between the WWE and the Walking Dead; a reality show titled “Fellas” where the two get in to all kinds of shenanigans and are as offensive to the Irish as humanly possible.

11. Eugene – Not only would I not entrust this guy with my real life, but I wouldn’t feel safe being on his team during a Halo match either. He’d probably be one of those dicks who betrays his own teammates or draws out Grifball just so he can ratchet up as many kills as possible.

12. Maggie – I was once a proponent for the idea that either Glenn or Maggie should die. Killing one would shatter the other’s world and in turn we might get an increasingly nihilistic and hardened survivor who would give the show a much needed edge. I am now certain that the writers would fuck this up somehow and we wouldn’t get anything even remotely that awesome. Now I hope that they both die and Gimple just gives us Morgan back, who already has the prerequisite damage to fill that gaping need in the group.

13. Rosita – I was certain that they didn’t seek out an actual actress for this role and simply opted for a model. What they really did was go out and find Christian Serratos, whose biggest claim to fame is that she had a recurring role in the Twilight movies. It now makes complete sense to me why they haven’t given this chick more lines.

14. Carol – Melissa McBride is easily the best actor on this show. That’s not setting the bar very high, I know, but I felt more emotional resonance in last week’s episode than I did in the previous five combined, and it was all due to McBride’s heartbreaking performance. Other than Michonne, this is the only character that has improved over the course of the series and the one whose arc has felt the most natural.

15. Tyreese – I didn’t believe that Tyreese was capable of showing restraint. I didn’t really think he had any qualities at all because he has as much personality as a wooden plank, but he came THIS close to snapping that little table between him and Carol in half. To his credit, he acted like the bigger man (figuratively) and decided to forgive Carol. It was actually a decent episode for him, especially since he only has to babysit one kid now. Will this lead to a more complex and enriching future for this once promising character? Probably not, but at least now Tyreese can move away from moping over the girlfriend he dated for two weeks and move on to doing anything else.

16. Bob – I’ve really enjoyed Bob’s progression as a character in the past few episodes. As a man who has spent a lot of time alone in an especially shitty world, it makes sense that he’d be thrilled about having company for a change and would make the most of the opportunity to mingle. More importantly, he’s survived the collapse of three different groups now and sooner or later his luck is going to run out. You hear that folks? The writers actually did something that made sense! Kudos to you Bob for having the balls to make a move (just don’t make out with Sasha around Maggie, okay?).