Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin goes heavy on the Survivor references and Jesse counters with some pretty eye-rolling wrestling connections. Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have 10 points and Jesse will have six points.
Season Score: Jesse 9, Kevin 8
- Judith- Man this girl can’t ever get proper attention. Did you see how fast Carl abandoned her to help the others hold the door against the walkers in the rain? I mean how much difference could Carl’s 95 pounds make? Carl is not a good babysitter.
- Rick- Great episode last week for Rick. Oh and this moment finally happened.
- Daryl- Last week I bitched about how few words Daryl mumbles every week. Then this episode happened and I realized that saying very little is his strength. He had a very deep moment when he sat by himself and cried. Unfortunately all I could think of was when the #SurvivorBreakdown was going to appear on the screen. I guess I am missing Survivor. Only 3 more days!
- Carl- Perhaps Rick should have a talk with his kid. It is not cool to give a married woman a sweet gift like a broken jewelry box. Married women deserve a lot better than some second hand used item. Like how Glenn went to Jared’s and got her a brand new ring to propose to Maggie…oh wait.
- Maggie- Hey Carol isn’t the only great female character this show has after all. I can’t believe how long it had been since we got some good Maggie scenes. Welcome back girl, please don’t die now.
- Carol- I am beginning to think Carol secretly hates this group. Every time Daryl goes off on his own she wants to tag along. She practically begs. If this was Survivor she would be tearing these people up in her confessionals. 3 more days!
- Abraham- Abe got a lot of crap for drinking alcohol while dehydrated. I get that it makes his situation even worse. But can you blame him? Things are looking hopeless, you have no shot to survive. You might as well enjoy your last moments. It is sort of like how Natalie bargained with Jeff for food in return for stepping off the platform in a challenge last season on Survivor. She knew she was going to lose, might as well get a meal out of it. Seriously. 3. More. Days.
- Sasha- Look had those dogs had been scared and weak I would’ve been pissed at Sasha for pulling the trigger. But those dogs were not f-ing around. But her descent into madness is pretty fascinating to watch.
- Noah- I don’t know about this guy. A part of me wants to make a “fake cripple, The Usual Suspects” reference and the other part wants me to stay consistent and talk about his killer Survivor game ability. So I will go somewhere completely different. I am pretty sure that if I were Noah in the shack during that huge rainstorm I would have cracked a few, “guys we NEED to get two of every kind of animals” joke quite a few times. And followed it up with, “Cuz I am Noah guys. Get it?” right before the kicked me out.
- Glenn- From one married guy to another, watch your back with Carl. He is sneaking up on your woman. And who knows, its a new world, what happens in the zombie apocalypse, stays in the zombie apocalypse.
- Michonne- Remember when Michonne and Andrea were best buds? I think Michonne needs a new friend. And after last week’s antics I doubt it will be Sasha.
- Lara Croft- I hope you took some shots from Abe’s bottle before you did the deed with him. I get that the pickings are slim but you can do better.
- Stranger Danger- This dude rolls up like freaking Jeff Probst all clean and all like, “My life is fine” and starts off by asking these two capable looking ladies to take him to their leader? Whoa buddy, it’s 2015 and the zombie apocalypse and you still assume women can’t lead? Bad start.
- Father Gabriel- I like how this mystery man just slowly embedded his way into the group. Will we ever get answers about this dude’s mysterious ways or is this a Lost situation?
- Tara- Damn I made a gamble last week stating that Tara would make an impact and I was wrong. Maybe this week she will pull a Purple Kelly from Survivor Nicaragua and just straight up quit without anyone noticing or caring and oh God do I have a problem or what.
- Eugene- This guy just doesn’t stand a chance. He is clueless. He lies about saving the human race and then he puts his life at risk by taking water from a mysterious source. He has no social game at all. He is for sure the first boot once the Rick Tribe loses immunity. I’m sorry, I can’t help it.
- Judith – In lieu of a Fast Lane preview, tonight’s WWE pay-per-view event, I’m just going to shamelessly use my wrestling knowledge to support my half of the rankings. For instance, if Judith was a pro wrestler, she would be known as a “jobber,” or someone who loses every match. It doesn’t help that her allies bail on her as quickly as Carl did last week, but hey, no one wants to be friends with the jobber. It’s bad for your career.
- Daryl – Here we have The Walking Dead equivalent of Daniel Bryan, as Daryl is easily the most popular character on the show but he is constantly being pushed aside for far less deserving and entertaining ones. He will always have a role to play, just not always a very big one. Sad indeed.
- Rick – If Daryl is Daniel Bryan, then of course Rick is John Cena. Need I say more?
- Carl – It would be easy to label Carl as the classic promoter’s son, seeing as he’s only still around because his dad is the main character of the show. Then again, lately he’s been demoted to babysitter and giver of half-broken trinkets, which is a shitty role no matter whose son you are.
- Maggie – I warned you, didn’t I? Nothing but sorrow coming from Maggie last week.
- Glenn – Glenn is the indy wrestler who everyone loved until he signed with WWE and then was repackaged into a bland performer, devoid of any personality whatsoever. Oh, and like I told Kevin last week, I’m going to start referring to Glenn as the “Shanghai Kid” if he keeps wearing his guns like a cowboy.
- Michonne – Sorry Michonne, but plenty of people who suffered a gruesome death in this show would be perfectly happy with “just making it.” The world is a real shithole now and your life is in danger every minute of every day. That’s just the way it is.
- Abraham – Apparently Sheamus is returning to action here pretty soon, but it will be with a pretty bad hangover. Never drink a bottle of cheap whiskey on your own kids.
- Noah – You want to know one of the sad truths of wrestling? Token black guys are as prevalent there as they are anywhere else. So long as you are super athletic and don’t mind spending your career in the mid-card, you will always have a job in the WWE.
- Sasha – Okay, fine, I totally forgot to include Sasha last week until Kevin pointed out that I had skipped her. Then she pulled a heel turn last week and started going all “crazy chick” on us, which is one of the most typical character models that WWE reserves for its divas. I was also reminded more than a little of Lilly from Telltale’s outstanding Walking Dead game.
- Carol – On the other hand, Carol is one of the more atypical women on the show, as she has value, extraordinary survival skills and an outstanding character arc. Something that most women on The Walking Dead, and in the WWE, simply do not have.
- Stranger – One thing that the WWE does have is an uncanny ability to create memorable debuts for its new talent. This dude could’ve learned a thing or two by watching the first appearance of Chris Jericho or The Undertaker, as Kevin was floored that Maggie and Sasha didn’t just gun him down. Gotta stand still when people you don’t know have guns pointed at you, bro.
- Father Gabriel – Then again, every once in a while WWE overhypes the debut of a new wrestler and things just kind of feel flat right from the start. Hope that isn’t the case for the Dead’s resident Father.
- Lara Croft – If there’s one thing that The Walking Dead and WWE agree on, it’s that sex sells. This girl could easily play the same character in a wrestling ring and fit in perfectly fine.
- Eugene – There are two men that look alike and have a reputation for lying: Eugene and Paul Heyman. Eugene is the single most worthless member of the group. Paul Heyman is the greatest manager in the world and the best talker in all of wrestling. That’s about all I got.
- Tara – Why are you still alive? Why? The ring announcer of WWE is more important than you! Of course, it helps that Lilian Garcia is a total fox.