Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin references Eminem, upscale apartment names and some controversial topics like applesauce. Meanwhile, Jesse bemoans the use of cheap merchandising tactics and ponders the impact that certain deaths would have on viewers. Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have 10 points and Jesse will have six points.

Season Score: Jesse 9, Kevin 8

Kevin’s Rankings

1. Judith- You are a child of the 2010’s Judith, so you won’t get this reference. But I’m pretty sure this is what goes through your head all day every day. Beware the applesauce!
2. Rick- Yes Judith, I think your dad has in fact gone crazy. But can you blame him? Everyone steps aside and looks clueless until Rick does something. You know how hard it is keeping 15ish idiots alive?
3. Daryl- He is like the guy on a reality show that doesn’t really want to be on a reality show. He is cashing dem checks but he doesn’t want any screen time.
4. Carl- I feel like Carl is going to become Rick’s new moral compass. That’s a bad idea kid, just ask Tyreese and Herschel.
5. Maggie- I love how Maggie introduced Aaron to the group, “Hey everyone…this is Aaron” and then walks away as 15 guns are pointed in his direction.
6. Carol- Remember when Carol disappeared last season? Rick kicked her out and she was forced to survive on her own. I am pretty sure we saw Carol more often when she wasn’t in the group than we do now. Get this lady her own spinoff series AMC! Better Call Carol!
7. Abraham- Abe is turning into a true bodyguard for Rick. All Rick has to do his snap his fingers and Abe is on it. He also kind of apologized to Lara Croft in his own half-assed way.
8. Sasha- I am a bit surprised Sasha didn’t just shoot Aaron like she shot those dogs. A merciless Sasha would be quite entertaining to watch.
9. Noah- He gets some hope in the form of a surgeon in Alexandria. Alexandria is the promised community that will change their lives. Just like Terminus and Woodbury. Who names these places? They sound like upscale apartment buildings.
10. Glenn- Good to see Glenn doing what Glenn does best. Dramatically volunteer to go check something out. It is also the only thing he does. Ever.
11. Michonne- My girl Michonne! Look at you stepping up and not taking Rick’s shit. It was so awkward watching Rick dictate his way through the situation with Stranger Danger. It was a relief that somebody said something. But again Michonne is walking dangerously close to being Rick’s moral compass.
12. Lara Croft- When Abe asked her if she was scared that he was going to hurt her she answered no saying that it wasn’t in his nature to hurt her. Look how modern The Walking Dead is discussing domestic abuse. So proud.
13. Father Gabriel- I’m surprised no one has turned to the father and asked him to help them find their way to religion. Seems like that could make a pretty interesting story arc.
14. Tara- Damn Tara cannot win. Why couldn’t the group run into two lesbians?
15. Eugene- Come on Eugene, bite it already. Perhaps you are waiting until you get to DC. Some poetic ending perhaps.
16. Stranger Danger– Aaron- So Stranger Danger officially has a name. And his jokes are as lame as mine! So far all we know about this guy is that he is gay and he hates apple sauce. Which I just cannot get behind. Look I know it is 2015 and everybody can live their life whatever way they want. But who the hell hates apple sauce?
17. Eric- Look I get that The Walking Dead is proud of it’s diversity but damn that is quite a way to announce Aaron and Eric’s sexual orientation. A big and aggressive make out session. Its like the writers were sick of people bitching about the lack of diversity so they threw these two guys out and said, “Fine here! Super gay makeout scene!”. Now all of those rumors about Daryl’s sexual orientation should be put to rest. If he were gay the show would be proud to show that.

Jesse’s Rankings

1. Judith – It probably doesn’t mean all that much, but when was the last time someone referred to Lil’ Ass Kicker as “Lil’ Ass Kicker?” You would think that they would trademark the shit out of that nickname and profit off of it however they could. Oh, wait. They did.
2. Rick – Wow, really? Both of you clowns ranked Rick before Daryl this week? The fuck? Well, as Kevin said, it’s pretty impossible to keep all of these morons alive, much less hold the group together. Rick somehow does both in his own Rick-ish way. If it was up to Daryl, he would try to lead for about five minutes before he said “fuck this shit” and went out to find some more tasty nightcrawlers.
3. Daryl – It was a good run man. You were the in the top two since we started this. All good things must come to an end, however. Don’t worry, I still don’t think you’re leaving anytime soon, though your death would make for a fantastic, heartbreaking episode if done right.
4. Carl – John Connor’s demise would cause Rick to act even more loony than he already does, and I don’t think any of us are aching to see that.
5. Maggie – I thought they were going somewhere with a storyline between Maggie and Father Gabriel. That may not be the case, and if not it would be a missed opportunity. After all, Hershel was a man of faith and it wouldn’t be a stretch for Maggie to see a little bit of her father in… ahem, the Father.
6. Glenn – For a show that I often criticize for lacking proper character development, I really enjoyed the nod to Dale last week. When Abe asked Glenn where in the hell they could find a battery, Glenn nonchalantly pointed out that there were plenty of spare batteries on the R.V. It was a nice touch.
7. Michonne – Lots of people are jockeying for the inclusion of more romance on their favorite apocalyptic show. Considering the backlash after the Aaron/Eric make out session last week (more on that in a bit), I would assume they are hoping for a heterosexual moment. Michonne is going nowhere because who else is there for Rick to hook up with?
8. Sasha – I’m with Kevin, what happened to psycho Sasha? That was the first time I was ever interested in her and now the writers are taking that away from me? You bastards! I’ll kill you!
9. Abraham – Poor Sheamus. The guy still has his heart set on Washington. I picture him living up until the moment when they finally get there and then dying of alcohol poisoning.
10. Eugene – Still hasn’t redeemed himself. Still won’t be leaving us yet. Still don’t care about him.
11. Carol – Did Carol speak in last week’s episode? I can’t remember. It’s sad how little she has to do these days.
12. Aaron – You can’t blame Rick for coldcocking this guy. How many times has this group been stabbed in the back by people they stumbled upon? And this guy followed them, and spied on them with 1980’s surveillance equipment! I wouldn’t trust him either.
13. Rosita – Wow Rosita, way to tease poor Sheamus with Washington and then completely shut him down for Alexandria. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. And he just kinda, sorta apologized. That was a big step for him!
14. Father Gabriel – If I seem to overvalue this guy’s importance to the show, it’s because I’m tired of actors from The Wire being so criminally underutilized. Give him a storyline with some depth and I promise you that he’ll deliver. Or just kill him off already and give us Morgan back. Your choice.
15. Noah – It’s pretty much a slam dunk that Alexandria will be the final resting place for at least a couple members of this group. Almost every time this group goes to a new place, one black guy bites it and gets replaced by another. I may have to renege on my guarantee that you would make it to season’s end.
16. Eric – Yeah, I get it. The reunion between Eric and Aaron was a bit too revealing for some, but at least someone is getting some on this show. And if you thought you may never see the person you love the most again, how would you react? Which is why I believe this guy is the first to go in the group’s new “safe haven.”
17. Tara – I’m sorry, I just have nothing for you this week. Give me a reason to write more about you or just get the fuck out.