Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin mourns the non-death of a certain character and compares the episode to Christmas without any presents. Meanwhile, Jesse draws some battle lines, makes an obscure Batman reference and changes his opinion on two very frustrating characters.
Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have five points and Jesse will have six points.
Last week Kevin had Noah at 13 and Aiden at 21 while Jesse had Noah at 16 and Aiden at 20. Jesse gains 36 while Kevin gains 34. Season Score: Jesse 45, Kevin 42
- Judith- This kid is living paradise right now. Sure she is ignored as always but at least a roof is over her head.
- Daryl- Daryl-less episodes are like Christmas without presents. Sure you know something special is going on but you don’t gain anything and you are just stuck with a bunch of people you are sick of.
- Carl- What could make a zombie apocalypse even worse? A step-mother. Sorry kid.
- Maggie- Maggie Lewinsky is busy getting her people promotions and overhearing her people turn on them. Oh the life of a politician.
- Glenn- Brutal week for Glenn. To be fair he made a bad decision when he went out with Tara, Noah, Eugene and Aiden. Come on, you are going into battle with four death baits. Their entire purposes revolve around gruesome demises. Next time at least take a Daryl or Rick with you.
- Rick- Life in the suburbs is hard eh? All you have to keep you busy is owl vandalism. I am pretty sure I saw a little smile creep across your face when you heard Peter was beating Jessie. For one you have something to do and for two you get to save the damsel in distress.
- Carol- I could kiss the writers for what they have done with Carol. I love how she is the one who discovers that Peter is beating Jessie. She knows this because she has a history with domestic abuse. Bravo writers.
- Jessie- Our newest damsel in distress. Poor thing has no idea what real distress is. Just wait until Rick kills Peter and then claims you as his trophy. That is when the real suffering will happen.
- Enid- I wish I could blame Jesse for including Enid in these rankings. Alas it was all my fault. Sorry bro.
- Lara Croft- Honest Abe is leading the construction group and Eugene is saving his friend’s lives. Suddenly Ms. Rosita is the most boring of this bunch. (Edit: Jesse tells me Rosita was in this episode and she was naked. No idea how I missed this but I am deeply disappointed. I mean when is the next time she will be naked? Oh next week you say? You’re probably right, my bad.)
- Eugene- Damn boy you are meant to do something big in this world. You have out survived so many other worthy characters. I gotta say you are pretty fascinating when you speak. I have no idea why you don’t do it more often.
- Michonne- If Rick is having trouble keeping himself busy as co-constable then I can only imagine what Michonne isn’t doing.
- Abraham- Mother Dick. I am pretty sure he said mother dick. Instantly my new favorite character.
- Sasha- The bag of bore disappeared this week and no one cared.
- Deanna- Oh man Deanna is losing her control on this city of hers. She really bit off more than she could chew when she let these guys in. Maybe the Father is right.
- Aaron- I wish Buttons the Homophobic Horse was still here instead of this guy and Eric. So much potential wasted.
- Eric- We haven’t seen you for weeks. Can we just assume you died from that ankle injury and cash you in for some points?
- Mikey, Ron, Pete- One of these kids is annoying Carol, another disappeared and the father is most likely beating both of them. Pete for sure is as good as dead. The kids will probably hang around a bit with their new step dad Rick. Sorry kids, life is rough and it is about to get even worse.
- Father Gabriel- Ah ha! Finally this guy fulfills his prophecy. The group didn’t trust him in the first place but dragged him along this whole time. And now he is betraying everyone that saved him. I can’t wait to see where this goes.
- Deanna’s husband and Aiden’s friend- We wanted to leave these two off the rankings because the rankings are too damn long as it is. But Aiden’s friend won’t die. He left Aiden to die and he screwed over Noah just when Noah was getting interesting. Dammit Aiden’s friend! We don’t even know your name! As for Deanna’s husband, well he lost his architecture intern, his son and his notebook. I am guessing his life will join that list here soon.
- Tara- Here are my notes on Tara during the episode: ‘Dead! Not Dead 😦 ? Dead?’. Fascinating stuff right? I cannot believe her life is being stretched out even further. Her and Eugene must have something big waiting for them.
Noah- What. The. Eff. Seriously Noah? You got our boy Tyreese killed and you certainly didn’t help Beth’s chances and this is how you repay us? You spend most of your time being boring and out of place and right before you die you start turning a corner? You were going to be the next architect! You were going to help rebuild this place and write down the history! I for sure thought you would stay behind in Alexandria when the rest of the group left. I pictured this great, beautiful ending for you and instead all we got was the image of your jaw being ripped open burned into our brains forever. I guess that is pretty cool too. RIP buddy.
Aiden- In case everyone in the world didn’t realize that Aiden was going to die, he was listening to a song that explicitly said, “You are going to die” which I guess is foreshadowing. But really isn’t that foreshadowing everyone’s death? I mean we are all going to die eventually right? Sorry that was depressing. Thanks for the easy points bro!
- Judith – It’s time to pick sides Judith. You have to choose the wimps who will give you hot food and lovingly pinch your cheeks or the asshole survivors who will feed you dog meat and give you a shower about once a year. It’s all up to you.
- Rick – I wonder what happens after Rick kills Jessie’s husband. You can’t tell me that her son would survive outside of Alexandria, right? But there’s no way that Deanna will be okay with Rick’s group killing some of her people, so that means civil war between the two factions. Only instead of being awesome like next year’s Captain America: Civil War will be, it will probably end up with one or two people dead and the others just incredibly miserable.
- Daryl – Can you remember the last time a group went on a run without Daryl that ended well? Because I sure can’t.
- Carl – No progress for Carl’s teen romance this week. Come on Carl, even I went on a date! You’re slacking man.
- Maggie – I know, Maggie. I hate Gabriel now too.
- Glenn – Poor, poor Glenn. First Aiden the douchebag bites it just as he’s finally starting to take Glenn’s advice to heart. Then the guy has to watch Noah serve as a smorgasbord for all those walkers, all before Aiden’s friend, an even bigger douchebag, tries to leave him behind. It really wasn’t your fault man.
- Carol – Can you blame Carol for not wanting to bond with another strange child? Lizzie kind of ruined that for her.
- Abraham – This was the best episode for Abe in a long time. Why Deanna and her husband wouldn’t want Sheamus as their foreman instead of the cowards they had is beyond me.
- Michonne – Alright Michonne, you have successfully ruined my love triangle. Thanks a lot.
- Jessie – Ugh. So your husband is just your typical abusive alcoholic. Awesome. Real original guys.
- Sasha – If there was ever a time to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, Sasha, this is it.
- Enid – I have no idea if you were around or what you said in the last episode. Unless you were hooking up with Carl or stabbing any other boy who hits on you in the eye, you are utterly forgettable and useless. Please don’t be that girl.
- Father Gabriel – Wow, way to turn out to be a spineless, sniveling turncoat Father. It’s not like Rick’s group saved you or anything when you were surrounded by walkers in the forest. Oh, and you’re a hypocrite too? What about all the people that died because you wouldn’t open the doors to your church? Don’t get me wrong, it at least added to his character, but man what a disappointment.
- Rosita – Your only appearance in the last episode was a shot of you naked in bed. It’s good to have you back, Rosita.
- Deanna – The truth is, Rick’s group is dangerous. They may not be good people, as Gabriel suggested. And I certainly stand by my assertion that death seems to follow them wherever they go. However, are they any more dangerous than this town of incompetent, ignorant nitwits that Deanna as assembled? It’s something that she really needs to figure out, but if she sides against Rick and the others, it’s not going to end well for her.
- Aaron – Know why Daryl likes Aaron? Because he’s the only guy in Alexandria who won’t get you killed if you go on a run with him.
- Eugene – What a pleasant surprise. You finally proved your worth Eugene, even though you did it in the most Eugene-esque way possible. I never lost faith in you man!
- Tara – You, on the other hand, are as much of a liability as ever. Sorry about your head. I know I was rooting for you to die, but I was hoping for a quick, painless one. I’m trying very hard to be nice.
- Mikey, Ron, Jessie’s husband – I know that Jessie’s husband is a goner. Mikey and Ron still have a chance. Not much of one, but still a chance.
- Eric – Bro, you are killing me. I can’t even look at you.
- Deanna’s Husband and Aiden’s friend – I don’t remember your names. I don’t really dislike you guys, other than finding one of you to be boring and the other to be a gutless turd. I also don’t think you have long to live, and I wish I could convey that opinion in a more coherent, creative fashion, but I am fried.