Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin compares Deanna to Roger Goodell, reveals Jesse’s love of Coldplay and decides Glenn needs some hypemen. Meanwhile, Jesse gives credit where credit is due, brings up the cruelest thing a girl can do to a guy and throws in a Ronda Rousey reference.
Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have five points and Jesse will have six points.
Season Score: Jesse 45, Kevin 42
- Judith- Hey Little Asskicker, take some notes from Michonne on how to be a badass.
- Daryl- The leader role suits Daryl. He is strongest when he is either on his own or has a weaker foil with him. Aaron and Beth fit that bill. Not so much with Carol. She is too strong and interesting on her own. Daryl needs someone to direct. Which is why he and Rick have minimal interactions.
- Carl- “Why are I scare you?” Carl inquires to Enid before quickly following up with, “cool knife!”. Yeah you scare me too Carl.
- Maggie- No where to be seen. She is really killing this politician role.
- Glenn- Oh man I want to do a supercut of Glenn’s one liners lately. He has just been straight up dropping the mic. His latest one to Nicholas, “No I’m saving you.” I want a group of wanna-be-rappers and hypemen to follow Glenn around so they can do the “OHHHHHH!” thing every time he drops a line like that or knocks someone out.
- Rick- “Me? Me? You mean me?” was one of my favorite inexplicable moments for Rick. I want a gif made out of that. Anyway I have a lot to say about Rick this week. Rick is a complicated man in a complicated world (his fictional and our real present day world) and is in the middle of a complicated issue. The issue is domestic abuse and I am pleased with how it has been used as a plot device. First Rick tells Carol that she would have survived even if Ed hadn’t been killed. He empowers her and reassures her that she is tough. Next he doesn’t act on taking care of Pete until he has full permission from Jessie. Which is extremely unlike Rick. Unfortunately he gets carried away at the end and is knocked the eff out. But his heart was in the right place.
- Carol- I love the callback to Ed. I love that she was able to read the situation for what it was. And I love that Carol is such a badass after such a rough start with Ed.
- Jessie- I also love how they gave Jessie the power. She questioned Rick’s true motives which is a refreshing twist. Rick tells her he wouldn’t do it for anyone else. Which might not be the answer she was looking for but at least they are aware of the truth. And another thing I loved is that when she agreed with Rick that something had to be done, she was the first to step up and attempt to end it by telling Pete to leave. She didn’t play damsel in distress. She didn’t run into Rick’s arms. Someone came to her concerned, she listened and decided to take action herself. It didn’t quite work but it was important that she tried.
- Enid- Hey Enid, did you have any siblings? Because I get some intense Lizzie vibes from you kid. Yeah Carl is scared and so am I.
- Lara Croft- It took me a couple of minutes to figure out who Rosita was. I thought she was a random new character. Nope, it is Lara Croft without the outfit. But still with clothes on. So really our interest is completely gone. Actually that isn’t true. It was refreshing to see you interact with people you haven’t interacted with before. And you had a great line with, “I’m screwed up because I lost something. You seem screwed up because we found something.”
- Eugene- What’s it like to be friendzoned by a unconscious lesbian?
- Michonne- I was getting ready to air my frustrations on Michonne’s inconsistency when she suddenly knocked Rick out cold. Such a classic moment that we have all been waiting for. Except I like season 5 Rick. Why couldn’t she do that to season 1-4 Rick?
- Abraham- Mother dick why wasn’t Abe in this episode?
- Sasha- I guess we should start calling her Offensive Coordinator. I completely agree with her that they should be playing offense. They already have a good defense set up with the walls. Its called effing strategy.
- Deanna- Oh god I should check my CD player in my car just in case I die and my mom decides to listen to my music. I haven’t checked it in years. What if Jesse left his Coldplay CD in there again? What a nightmare that would be.
- Aaron/Eric- Okay I am grouping you two together just in case Eric was a figment of my imagination. If he was then I have a strange subconscious filled with men making out. Not that there is a problem with that but I don’t think my wife would be too pleased.
- Father Gabriel- Maybe the Father went behind the group’s back to Deanna because they exclude him from all of their drama. He is bored. He was alone in a church when they found him and now they outcast him. He has to entertain himself somehow.
- Tara- You know had Rick just killed Pete like season 1-4 Rick would have done then that would be the end for Tara too. Rick you owe me like 40 points.
Aiden’s friendNicholas- Okay I bit the bullet and relearned your name. Now get me 19 points alright buddy? Oh and that was some damn good lying. Have you been hanging out with Eugene? Deanna’s HusbandReg- I guess your name is Reg. It doesn’t look right but I guess that is the case. Maybe I will just call you architect. No that word is hard to spell. Let’s just hope you aren’t around much longer.
- Mikey, Ron, Pete- So if Peter is Ray Rice, his house the elevator and Jessie is the fiance, does that make Deanna Roger Goodell? Deanna doesn’t want to kill Pete, just exile him. Goodell didn’t want to end Rice’s career just send him away for bit. To push it further, Rick is the video tape evidence. The tape finally killed Rice’s career much like Rick is finally going to kill Pete.
- Judith – Not sure what else to say for Judith this week, so let’s just show some love for Scott Gimple, the showrunner of this hot mess of a television program. It took a couple of seasons, but man oh man did he ever right the ship and get things back on track like we hoped he would. You are a gentleman and a scholar, sir. Well done.
- Rick – Oh boy. Rick is a hard man to love I bet, because he always has good intentions but often lacks execution. Protect a good woman from a brutal marriage but cause a big uproar in the streets? Whoops, maybe should’ve tried a softer touch there. Now it isn’t always easy to talk down a mean drunk because they’re, you know, really drunk. Even so, try a different approach next time Rick. Oh, and this could be because WrestleMania is tomorrow too, but every time I try to type your name, I type Rock instead. It is literally driving me insane.
- Daryl – I can just imagine Daryl walking up to Rick in the next episode, taking a look at Rick’s bloody face and going, “Damn, looks like I missed a hell of a party!” Yeah, I know. That was bad.
- Carl – You didn’t quite make it to first base, brother, but you at least ran it out! That kind of effort will get you far in life.
- Maggie – Make sure you’re tape recording everything. And if things go south, shift all the blame to the other side and try and cover up your mistakes. It’s what the real politicians do.
- Glenn – I haven’t liked you this much since season 1, man. It’s like an old friend finally waking up from a coma. Welcome back!
- Carol – Kevin pretty much nailed this one. The character development for Carol continues to be arguably the strongest part of the whole series, and it’s so gratifying to watch week after week. Can’t say enough about it.
- Abraham – Sorry fella, you’re not on the card for WrestleMania. At least you get to bang a hot chick every week!
- Michonne – Damn, that was a Ronda Rousey-esque knockout. Except Rousey probably would’ve just choked Rick out. I would say it would’ve been painful, but he’s probably into that sort of thing. How the hell do I get on this subject? Moving on.
- Jessie – I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that she’ll have a big role to play in tomorrow’s finale. Her actually agreeing to Rick taking action was surprising, so I’m hoping for something unexpected to happen here. Stay tuned.
- Sasha – On the other hand, I know that something very expected is to come from you. You’re going to let me down. Again.
- Enid – Probably not the first time that Enid has given a guy blue balls. Just sayin.
- Father Gabriel – I guess I can understand why you did what you did, but be prepared to meet a grisly end. It’s the price you pay for being a snitch.
- Rosita – That was somebody else in the last episode. A twin, perhaps, or maybe a doppleganger. Whoever it was, she accomplished about as much as Rosita has in all the previous episodes that she appeared in.
- Deanna – I have a feeling that if the confrontation in the streets had been Deanna’s first impression of Rick, she wouldn’t have empowered him to keep the peace. What’s interesting about it is that she is the first leader Rick has been in conflict who doesn’t deserve to die, so how can this be resolved without crossing yet another line that shouldn’t be crossed? Should be interesting to watch.
- Aaron/Eric – Sorry Aaron, you’re cool but your boyfriend is holding you down in these rankings.
- Eugene – I’m feeling a reconciliation between Eugene and Sheamus before the season is done. Otherwise, what was the point of your partnership before?
- Tara – Seriously, how long did it take to shoot your scenes this season? A measly five minutes? Just horrible.
- Mikey, Ron, Jessie’s husband – Are we sure that Jessie’s husband didn’t already kill Mikey and Ron? If so, I want points for that, Kevin. Don’t hold out on me man!
- Nicholas – Man, you are a miserable motherfucker. Are you happy? You got me all pissed off and cursing now. Thanks a lot, dick.
- Reg – Not really sure what your purpose is anymore. Would be sadly poetic if the architect had to watch his masterpiece crumble, but I would still enjoy it. That’s how I feel about you.