Mock drafts are a waste of time. Not only do Kevin and I rarely get more than a handful of picks right (and that’s on a good year), we also barely know any of the players in this year’s class. But that’s not why we do one for every NFL draft.
We do it because it’s fun, entertaining and Kevin likes taking some light-hearted jabs at me with inside humor. You probably enjoy that too, so let’s just get on with it.
The rules are the same as always. This year I’m drafting for the odd numbered picks and Kevin is doing the evens. We can make any trades that we want with our own picks, but must agree on a deal in order to swap an odd for an even.
1. Los Angeles Rams – Carson Wentz, QB North Dakota State
Jesse: Imagine you’re the Rams. You saw how badly RG3 flamed out in Washington. You traded your own first-round flop to the Eagles just last year. You watched the Broncos win a Super Bowl with a broken Peyton Manning. And despite all the signs around you that gambling erroneously on a rookie quarterback rarely works out, you give up a king’s ransom in order to select a player who is anything but a sure thing. Because when you move to Los Angeles and can sacrifice two drafts for a potential bust, you just have to do it.
So now we’ve been waiting for over a week to find out who that is while the Rams pretend that they don’t know who they’re picking. My problem is that I really don’t know who they’re picking and a misfire here will tilt this entire mock draft in Kevin’s favor. I can already see the huge smile on his face. I went with Wentz because some people have labeled him as a white Cam Newton. If that’s true, then all the Rams have to worry about is how badly Wentz will pout after he loses the Super Bowl.
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Jared Goff, QB California
Kevin: Here’s a quick look behind the scenes of Pegboards. I had made my pick for the Browns in this spot a day before they traded the pick away to the Eagles. So good job Cleveland, you ruined our mock draft before it was published!
Anyway, the Eagles just pulled a
Redskins Rams and traded away their next two years of picks to grab a quarterback here. I love, love, love these kind of trades because one team is guaranteed to be a huge loser in the years to come. Just look at the Rams and the Redskins after they traded for the right to pick RG3. RG3 flamed out of Washington and the Rams got…well they got a couple of guys…and Washington did make the playoffs last season so I guess the big loser was…us…damn bad example.
But this trade involves the Eagles (you know the guys behind your favorite trainwrecks of season’s past like The Dream Team and Chip Kelly’s Fun Ride) and the Browns (you know the guys who literally play in the Factory of Sadness and have had more quarterbacks in the last 12 years than there are total teams in the league). So this promises to be a disaster, hopefully for both teams involved!
3. San Diego Chargers – Jalen Ramsey, CB Florida St.
Jesse: The Chargers now have the luxury of taking the best player in the draft. As for who the best player is, well, you got me. I have no idea if Ramsey is a better pick than Laremy Tunsil would be, the offensive tackle that everyone thinks the Chargers desperately need. Regardless of how good or bad Phillip Rivers’ protection is, he seems to routinely throw for 30 or more touchdowns and do just enough to choke away a few important games. Is a new left tackle really going to change him that much at this point in his career? Eric Weddle signed with the Ravens, so the Chargers need a new defensive back who can terrorize the Broncos for the next 10 years.
Of course, Mike Scifres retired and the Chargers also need a new punter since Mike McCoy’s offense goes three and out about 50 times a game. You may think I’m just making fun of the
Dolts Bolts, and I most certainly am, but nothing would surprise me here. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before the Chargers trade this pick so someone can draft Paxton Lynch, right? I’m only half-kidding.
4. Dallas Cowboys – Joey Bosa, DE Ohio St.
Kevin: I present you the opportunity to choose your own adventure. Just choose one of the following three poorly thought out jokes. Have fun!
- Jerry Jones has never met a DE with character issues he didn’t like.
- Jerry Jones, “when you have the chance to cut a DE with character issues and then replace him in the draft with a DE with character issues, you can’t not do it.”
- Jerry Jones and DE’s with character issues are like peanut butter and jelly, they shouldn’t go together but they totally do.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Myles Jack, OLB UCLA
Jesse: This would be the third time in four years that I mocked a defensive player to the Jaguars. It could also be the third time that I am wrong and Kevin gets a laugh at my expense. Jack has been falling down boards because of knee surgery, making him a risky pick. Nonetheless, I move forward undeterred, convinced that if the Cowboys like defensive ends with character issues, the Jaguars like defenders with knee problems. At least Dante Fowler will have someone to hang out with if he gets hurt again this year.
6. Baltimore Ravens – Laremy Tunsil, OT Ole Miss
Kevin: Yawn am I right? The first offensive lineman is taken here by a team decimated with injuries last season. Of course Baltimore is seen as a franchise that can do no wrong (a la New England, Pittsburgh and Green Bay) so this will widely be seen as a genius move.
On a side note, I recently visited Baltimore and it pains me to say that I enjoyed myself. I only got shot once and it just grazed me so I would say overall it was a good trip.
7. San Francisco 49ers – Ronnie Staley, OT Notre Dame
Jesse: The Niners grab a lineman because having two tackles named Staley is just too enticing to pass up. And before you object to such a nonsensical analysis, remember that these are the same clowns who fired Jim Harbaugh, hired some guy named Tomsula for a year and then dumped him so they could bring in Chip Kelly, who is probably banned from visiting Philadelphia for the rest of his life. Sensical isn’t exactly in their vocabulary.
8. Cleveland Browns – DeForest Buckner, DE Oregon
Kevin: Look I live in Cleveland now and I badly want the Browns to pick Ezekiel Elliot out of Ohio St here just to watch every Browns’ fan wet their pants in excitement. Seriously, Cleveland could draft a washing machine out of THE Ohio St and this city would cheer like they won the Super Bowl.
As I was saying, I want the Browns to draft Ezekiel with the 8th overall pick because it would be ridiculous and it would not end well and he would get everyone’s hopes up in Cleveland. It would be a ball to watch. Alas I believe those kind of boneheaded picks aren’t going to happen in Cleveland with this new regime. We will have to wait another two years for the regime to get fired in favor of Chip Kelly until we can celebrate Cleveland’s poor decision making ability again
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Leonard Floyd, OLB, Florida
Jesse: Remember about fifteen years ago when the Rams, Eagles and Bucs were the best teams in the NFC? They took turns going to the Super Bowl and losing to the Patriots (except the Bucs, who are forever in my good graces for smashing the Raiders).
I also got the original Xbox for Christmas that year, which tells you how long it’s been since the Bucs were relevant. It also made me feel really, really old. Tampa takes Floyd here and hopes to God he’s the next Simeon Rice.
10. New York Giants: Vernon Hargreaves, CB Florida
Kevin: Two Gators in a row? What is this? 2009? I feel like I have to draft for the Giants every year (just checked, this is my 4th straight year picking for the Giants). The only difference this year is I get to pick without worrying about Tom Coughlin’s death stare. Which is why I almost went with Ezekiel Elliot. I probably flip flopped between the two 5 or 6 times. And I still don’t feel great about it.
11. Chicago Bears: Shaq Lawson, DE Clemson
Jesse: I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen Hargreaves play, but that made it no less devastating when Kevin picked him right before the Bears were up. I spent at least five minutes preparing for this Kevin, come on! Plan B is Shaq Lawson, who will play the Julius Peppers/Von Miller role for the successful but underwhelming John Fox rebuilding project.
12. New Orleans Saints: Jack Conklin, OT Michigan St.
Kevin: The Saints need to milk as much out of Drew Brees as they can, so why not get him some protection?
13. Miami Dolphins: Ezekiel Elliott, RB Ohio St.
Jesse: Adam Gase and his entire staff would crap themselves if Elliott was still available here. After striking out on pretty much every free agent running back this offseason, the Dolphins just wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. It’s a good thing for their pants that he probably won’t drop this far, but they’ll be rocking their depends tonight just in case.
14. Oakland Raiders: Sheldon Rankins, DT Louisville
Kevin: I’m getting tired of the Raiders actually doing some things right lately. I hope this pick blows up in their face.
15. Tennessee Titans: Taylor Decker, OT Ohio St.
Jesse: There’s already been three Buckeyes taken in the top 15 picks. How annoyed do you think Kevin is right now? Maybe he’ll tell us!
16. Detroit Lions: Jarren Reed, DT Alabama
Kevin: Jesse is trying to get me to say something bad about
THE Ohio St. University. Well it’s not going to happen Jesse! Instead I hope you enjoy my pick from everyone’s favorite college team, Alabama! Roll Tide am I right?
17. Atlanta Falcons: Darron Lee, OLB Ohio St.
Jesse: Kevin didn’t take the bait last time. You think he can keep his composure when FOUR Buckeyes go in the top 17? Only one way to find out.
18. Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Kelly, C Alabama
Kevin: I’m going to channel my inner Draymond Green here. I know what you are trying to get me to say but I won’t say it. Instead I raise Jesse with another pick from the NFL’s 33rd team, Alabama.
19. Buffalo Bills: Reggie Ragland, LB Alabama
Jesse: If you can’t beat em, join em I guess. I go with the Bama linebacker here and only throw up a little in my mouth when I admit that he’d be a good fit for Rex Ryan’s defense. Plus I ran out of Buckeyes.
20. New York Jesters: Vernon Butler, DT Lousiana Tech
Kevin: After a flood of Alabama and Ohio St. picks, the Jester’s decide to go a different way and draft from a Tech school. I was tempted to pick Paxton Lynch here because their QB situation is a mess. But why would they draft a QB a year after getting success from Ryan Fitzpatrick’s remains? Shouldn’t they use that as evidence that they have a good system and should be able to plug any QB in?
21. Washington Redskins: A’Shawn Robinson, DT Alabama
Jesse: I can’t get off of the Bama and Buckeye bandwagon. Maybe I should’ve jumped when Kevin did? Someone please help me.
22. Houston Texans: Corey Coleman, WR Baylor
Kevin: The Texans recently paid a buttload of money to a backup QB. What was that guy’s name again? Brian Osweiler? Benjamin? Brody? Yeah, I think it was Brody. Anyway that guy is going to need a lot of help to dethrone Andrew Luck’s Colts in the division and a guy like Coleman will be a great compliment to the already scary DeAndre Hopkins.
23. Minnesota Vikings: Josh Doctson, WR TCU
Jesse: Teddy Bridgewater has been accused of being a dink and dunk quarterback. I have no idea how true that is, considering that the only Vikings game I watched last year was when they played the Broncos and Peyton Manning was the king of dink and dunk. Everyone else looked like they had a rocket arm by comparison.
That being said, big receivers are great for stretching the field because you can just throw it up and let them haul in a jump ball. Doctson fits the bill and that’s all I got.
24. Cincinnati Bengals: William Fuller, WR Notre Dame
Kevin: A sudden run on wide receivers leave the Bengals having lost out on their top two options. They now have to decide between Fuller and Laquon Treadwell out of Mississippi. I went with Fuller because of a coin flip.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers: Eli Apple, CB Ohio St.
Jesse: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. They should just have a round where only Bama and Buckeye players are eligible to be picked. Kevin would renounce the draft, but otherwise it would probably be for the best.
26. Seattle Seahawks: Robert Nkemdiche, DT Mississippi
Kevin: The fifth DT taken in our mock draft. Maybe a certain Super Bowl winning team that had a dominant defensive line is having an impact on the league. Who knows. All I know is that Jesse tried to trade up here for the Broncos and I shut him down. I turned him down because I didn’t want him trading up to select a Buckeye again.
27. *Trade* Denver Broncos: Paxton Lynch, QB Memphis
Jesse: I don’t buy the reports that the Jets are interested in taking Lynch. I also don’t believe new reports that Lynch will fall out of the first round (As our buddy Ryan said, yesterday he’s great but today we don’t like him? Yeah, okay.), so when Kevin looked elsewhere at no. 20 I had a good feeling that Lynch would still be available here. While it doesn’t make a lot of sense for the Jets to start over at quarterback with Bryce Petty, Geno Smith and most likely Ryan Fitzpatrick all still in the mix, the Broncos already have started over.
Draft pundits say Lynch won’t be ready to play this year. With Mark Sanchez in the fold, he wouldn’t have to. Gary Kubiak has gotten very productive seasons out of Matt Schaub, Joe Flacco, Brian Griese and Jake Plummer (got nothing but love for you Snake). Surely the Sanchize can hold the bridge for a year while Lynch comes over. He has the physical attributes that John Elway wants in his quarterbacks and the mobility to run Kubiak’s offense effectively. Draft him, coach him up and you get up to five years of Lynch on a highly affordable rookie contract. Sounds pretty good to me.
Also, I strongly considered taking another Buckeye here just to mess with Kevin.
28. Kansas City Chiefs: Laquon Treadwell, WR Mississippi
Kevin: The Chiefs might be cursing Broncos fans for another decade if Elway jumps in front of them to take Paxton Lynch. But they will also be pretty happy if Treadwell somehow drops to them. Enjoy the 3 yard dink and dunk passes from Alex Smith!
29. Arizona Cardinals: Cody Whitehair, OG Kansas St.
Jesse: One thing Broncos fans learned about Evan Mathis last year is that you better have a solid backup who can fill in here and there, because Mathis tends to get injured. A lot. Draft Whitehair this year and you may not have to worry about this position for years to come.
30. Carolina Panthers: Kevin Dodd, DE Clemson
Kevin: If Cam Newton avoids you in the locker room Kevin, it’s not you. He probably is still hearing Von Miller’s footsteps.
31. Green Bay Packers: Chris Jones, DT Mississippi St.
Jesse: If Aaron Rodgers asks you to be in one of his State Farm commercials, Chris, just say no. That was the highlight of B.J. Raji’s career in Green Bay and that’s who you’re replacing.