One of the more underrated comical aspects of ESPN is their consistently terrible NFL Power Rankings. Not only is it another opportunity for the Worldwide Leader in Sports to slobber all over the teams it loves and shaft the ones that it hates, but the rankings themselves often make no sense whatsoever. It’s hard to take them seriously when a sixth grader could’ve made his own list of the NFL’s top teams and probably would have come up with similar results.

Nonetheless, doing power rankings is a prolonged and painstakingly difficult task, so Kevin and I thought it would be more fun to just rip on ESPN’s weekly version. Enjoy.

1. New England Patriots, 3-0 (Last ranked 2) Jesse – The most annoying part about Tom Brady’s suspension, and the Pats 3-0 start, is that it’s causing ESPN and all the other media outlets to worship Bill Belichick and the Pats even more than they already do. I mean you didn’t really think that anyone else would be ranked no. 1 this week, did you?
2. Pittsburgh Steelers, 2-0 (LR: 4) Kevin – Oh man, the Patriots #1 and the Steelers #2? ESPN must be losing their minds over this. The Patriots Way vs Good Old Steelers Football. I’m shocked ESPN didn’t use 1A and 1B to rank these two teams.
3. Arizona Cardinals, 1-1 (LR: 5) Jesse – Apparently, the Cardinals are the top ranked team according to the NFL Football Power Index (FPI), which I guess is super important. More important than the fact that they lost to a Brady-less, Gronk-less Pats squad in week 1. But hey, as long as you can blow out the Buccaneers, that definitely means that you’re still a top three team.
4. Carolina Panthers, 1-1 (LR: 6) Kevin – I know this will come off as homerish buuuuut come on guys. Come the fuck on. If we are power ranking the best teams in order how do the Panthers beat out the Broncos? This shouldn’t be allowed until the Broncos stumble or the Panthers beat the Broncos. The Broncos have their number. They’re in Cam’s head. The Broncos are Craig Schwartz and Cam is John Malkovich.
5. Denver Broncos, 2-0 (LR: 8) Jesse – My initial reaction was to be offended when I saw that the Broncos are ranked under a team that they’ve beaten twice this calendar year, but then I remembered the Super Bowl and Graham Gano’s missed field goal and I wasn’t upset anymore. In fact, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside!
6. Houston Texans, 2-1 (LR: 7) Kevin – I meant to finish these rankings before the Thursday Night Football game this week. So while I really want to make fun of ESPN for putting Bubba Osweiler’s team in the 6th spot after that disasterous showing against the Pats, I guess that’s not fair. But fuck it, it’s my column who cares about fairness? How are the Texans the 6th best team after beating the lowly Chicago Bears and squeaking out a victory over the Chiefs? Are our expectations in this league that low?
7. Minnesota Vikings, 2-0 (LR: 12) Jesse – So the Vikings are 2-0, beat the Packers without Adrian Peterson and with Sam freaking Bradford, and yet they aren’t the highest ranked NFC team. Because… reasons? And I don’t even like the Vikings. Mike Zimmer is pretty cool though.
8. Cincinnati Bengals, 1-1 (LR: 9) Kevin – I was all ready to rip ESPN for having the Bengals so low. Sure they lost last week but it was to a division rival and apparently the second best team in football. But then I realized they only beat the Jets by one point. Suddenly I feel better about the Broncos’ chances this weekend.
9. Green Bay Packers, 1-1 (LR: 1) Jesse – Oh, so the Packers really weren’t the best team in the league even though they toppled the mighty Jaguars in week 1? Get the fuck out of here.
10. Seattle Seahawks, 1-1 (LR: 3) Kevin – Okay I want everyone to take a seat. I actually learned something from the ESPN rankings this week! Apparently the Seahawks suck because they haven’t scored many points against the pitiful Rams and Dolphins. They suck so bad in fact that ESPN dropped them from THIRD to TENTH! Holy shit, I’m shocked the writers didn’t throw in a “Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte’s suck” and “I hate Microsoft” jabs to further piss off the Seattle fans. Also shouldn’t the Seahawks be forever ranked 12th? That’s their number right? Come on ESPN, get it right.
11. Kansas City Chiefs, 1-1 (LR: 11) Jesse – If it wasn’t for an epic chokejob by the Chargers in week 1, and we Broncos fans know all about Chargers chokejobs (I direct you to October 15, 2012), the Chiefs would be 0-2 and their fans would be borderline suicidal. But that definitely makes them better than the Jets, right? You know, a team that can actually play offense? And don’t forget the Chiefs lost against the same Texans team who got embarrassed on Thursday night. Keep trying to pretend that other AFC West teams are a threat to the Broncos, ESPN. It’s not going to work.
12. New York Giants, 2-0 (LR: 16) Kevin – The Giants defeated a Romo-less Cowboys and a Brees-less Saints (Okay, Brees “played” last week but he only got me like 2 fantasy points so did he really “play”?). And now they are up against a RGIII-less Redskins team thanks to a shoulder injury to RG…wait what? RGIII isn’t in Washington anymore? Who is their QB now? I have to look it up, one sec…KIRK COUSINS?! Are you kidding me? And he’s making $19 million? Right so I guess the Giants are starting 3-0 this season. Next week ESPN will have them in the top 5.
13. Baltimore Ravens, 2-0 (LR: 13) Jesse – The Ravens are 2-0 and not ranked right at the top with the Pats and Steelers? Did you guys have a fight, ESPN? It’s alright. I’m here if you want to talk.
14. New York Jets, 1-1 (LR: 15) Kevin – I’m shocked they even included the Jets in their Power Rankings. After what they did to Tebow, I didn’t think ESPN would ever forgive them.
15. Philadelphia Eagles, 2-0 (LR: 20) Jesse – I know any time a quarterback has a nice two game stretch, it’s really difficult not to get too excited. We all saw how ESPN creamed themselves over Jimmy Garoppolo before he got hurt. I’d just like to point out that Carson Wentz’s victories have come against the Browns (who have no defense) and the Bears, who signed Danny Trevathan so he could chase down all the guys that his teammates can’t tackle. But hey, Wentz is definitely the next Peyton Manning.
16. Oakland Raiders, 1-1 (LR: 10) Kevin – I’m far too distracted by ESPN pointing out Derek Carr’s pass percentage is 69% and their defense has allowed 69 points, to make a joke. I guess I know what they mean now when ESPN calls the Raiders the sexiest team coming this season.
17. Atlanta Falcons, 2-0 (LR: 21) Jesse – I’m less concerned with the Falcons’ ranking than I am with the fact that Matt Ryan is playing well this year after he totally fucked over my fantasy team last year. Ugh, I’ll try and move on.
18. Dallas Cowboys, 1-1 (LR: 18) Kevin – The Cowboys did not budge in the rankings week over week. ESPN gets a lot of things wrong but damn are they proud of this ranking.
19. San Diego Chargers, 1-1 (LR: 25) Jesse – Bad ESPN. You know you can’t trust the Chargers to reward your faith for moving them up so much. Watch them get blown out by the Colts, an 0-2 team, this weekend.
20. Detroit Lions, 1-1 (LR: 22) Kevin – So the analysis on the Lions was basically, “The Lions could have been 2-0 had they beat the Titans but they also could have been 0-2 had they lost to the Colts”. Unbelievable.
21. Tennessee Titans, 1-1 (LR: 26) Jesse – “A 1-1 start isn’t bad.” Come on ESPN, if I were a Titans fan (and I would possibly be the only one if I were), I would be freaking stoked that my team was 1-1. I don’t care that the win was against the Lions.
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-1 (LR: 14) Kevin – Whoa, who in Tampa did what to ESPN? Sure the Bucs got bamboozled in week 2 but it was against the Cardinals! Whatever happened, ESPN is throwing some serious shade dropping these guys 8 spots.
23. Indianapolis Colts, 0-2 (LR: 19) Jesse – “So much for the offensive line improvements.” Have you not been watching the Colts since Ryan Grigson became the GM, ESPN? The dude is completely inept when it comes to improving anything about his team. Eventually, Andrew Luck will say “fuck it” and join the Broncos, as is tradition for Colts quarterbacks to move on to a better place.
24. New Orleans Saints, 0-2 (LR: 24) Kevin – Alright, I hate to speculate but I’m pretty sure ESPN trolled the Saints pretty hard this week. Here’s the line in question: “But feel good this week, New Orleans. We’ll be seeing a lot of Steve Gleason’s punt block in the buildup to Monday night’s showdown against the Falcons”. They are either raising awareness to Steve Gleason’s tragic story or they are making fun of the Saints because the only relevant thing the Saints have done in 3 years is raise awareness to Steve Gleason’s tragic story.
25. Washington Redskins, 0-2 (LR: 17) Jesse – I was surprised that ESPN didn’t use this opportunity to blame the name “Redskins” for Washington’s poor start and huge drop in the rankings. They would then segue into a soliloquy about why they need to change that name because it’s offensive. Wait a second, that’s a ProFootballTalk thing, not an ESPN thing. Sorry guys.
26. Chicago Bears, 0-2 (LR: 29) Kevin – Wait guys, I think I’m starting to like this ESPN Power Ranking fellow. Here’s another great line. “They’ll have another crack at beating a rookie quarterback in Dallas this weekend.” Damn son, this guy is not fucking around. The Bears will have ANOTHER crack at not being completely inept against a ROOKIE qb this weekend. This guy’s on another level.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars, 0-2 (LR: 23) Jesse – I know we’re supposed to be ripping on ESPN here and not the teams, but seriously Gus Bradley? You guys got worked by the freaking Chargers last week? Not only that, but you were outcoached by Mike freaking McCoy? I’m already looking into who the interim coach might be when the Jags make a move midseason. You’re toast, pal.
28. Los Angeles Rams, 1-1 (LR: 31) Kevin – I want you to consider something here. Would the Rams be this low if they were still the St. Louis Rams? Really think about it. Everyone knows there is a Missouri bias at ESPN right? That’s a thing right?!
29. Miami Dolphins, 0-2 (LR: 28) Jesse – Okay, this is a little harsh. The Dolphins at least gave the Patriots a game, unlike pathetic Houston and the overrated Cardinals. And sure, they lost an extremely boring contest against Seattle, but if Kenny Stills doesn’t drop a wide open pass, they probably win that game. Whoops, sorry. I keep forgetting I’m supposed to be making jokes and not offering up analysis. Um… Ryan Tannehill sucks?
30. Buffalo Bills, 0-2 (LR: 27) Kevin – After their inevitable loss in Arizona this weekend the Bills will be one step closer to matching their 2016 record with their Super Bowl record. Mic drop.
31. San Francisco 49ers, 1-1 (LR: 30) Jesse – So the 49ers blow out the Rams in their opener and then hang tough with the Panthers, but somehow they’re the worst team in the NFC? ESPN totally botched this one.
32. Cleveland Browns, 0-2 (LR: 32) Kevin – I went tailgating in the Muni lot in Cleveland last weekend. Browns fans know how to throw a party. When the Browns dominated the Ravens in the beginning of the game none of my Browns fans were happy. Seriously, none. No one had an ounce of faith that they would maintain an 18 point lead. I think ESPN got this one right.