The general consensus is that our rankings making fun of ESPN’s NFL Power Rankings last week were good. By good, I mean that no one told us that it sucked or reminded us not to quit our day jobs. That gave us enough confidence to bring this post back for another week, and I guess we’ll see how long you guys will put up with our ramblings before you get sick of them. As a point of reference, here is a link to ESPN’s actual rankings…
…so that you know that we aren’t making all of this up just to make you laugh (or at least to give us an awkward smile). They really are sad and confusing. Enjoy.
- Denver Broncos, 3-0 (Last ranked 5) Kevin – Typical ESPN bias, ignoring the Broncos in favor of the Patr…wait a minute. Holy crap! The Broncos are number one! Excuse me while I spend the next 10 minutes celebrating with my arms in the air like I just don’t care.
- New England Patriots, 3-0 (LR: 1) Jesse – Not at all happy with the Broncos being ranked above the Patriots this early in the season. Like they say in Star Wars, I have a bad feeling about this.
- Seattle Seahawks, 2-1 (LR: 10) Kevin – I call this the Peculiar Case of the Seattle Seahawks. They started the season as number 1. Dropped to 3 after squeaking out a win over the Dolphins. Plummeted to 10 after a close loss to the Rams and now rose back to 3 after a victory of the 49ers. Was that loss to the Rams so bad to drop them that low? My theory is that the ESPN Power Rankings writer is a Seahawks fan and anytime they lose he gets super pissed and drops them to express his anger. And then when they win he launches the team back to the top 3 because he totally believed in them all along. (Note: I’m fully aware the rankings are a combination of 80 ESPN employees but I’m doing a shtick so just ignore that fact, thanks.)
- Minnesota Vikings, 3-0 (LR: 7) Jesse – Alright, come on. What do the Vikings have to do to be the top ranked NFC team? The Seahawks bandwagon is alive and well, because I can’t think of a good reason why else they’d still be higher than Minnesota. People are going to think I’m a Vikings fan if this crap continues for much longer.
- Arizona Cardinals, 1-2 (LR: 3) Kevin – “Should we start worrying about Arizona?” No, silly power rankings writer, they simply had a bad game against…what the fuck? The Bills? Uh yeah, let’s start worrying and maybe start dropping them in the rankings.
- Green Bay Packers, 2-1 (LR: 9) Jesse – “Is something wrong with Aaron Rodgers?” Why ESPN, because he sucked against one of the best defenses in football (Vikings) two weeks ago? I think the question we should be asking is, “What’s wrong with the Packers?” There’s no point in asking “is” because there’s plenty wrong with Green Bay this year.
- Philadelphia Eagles, 3-0 (LR: 15) Kevin – Look the Eagles are really 3*-0. The * represents the fact that they beat the Browns and Bears in the first two weeks. AKA teams 31 and 32 in these very rankings. Those should have counted as preseason games right? Essentially they are 1-0 with a very impressive victory over the Steelers.
- Carolina Panthers, 1-2 (LR: 4) Jesse – Alright, I know we like giving the Panthers a hard time around here, but if you’re 1-2 you don’t belong in the top 10, much less the top 5 (I’m looking at you, Arizona).
- Pittsburgh Steelers, 2-1 (LR: 2) Kevin – Based on the ESPN writer’s comment, he put some good money on the Steelers last week. “What was that?” directly translates to “WHAT THE F*** WERE YOU A$$HOLES DOING OUT THERE YOU SCHMUCKS?” in the language of gambling.
- Baltimore Ravens, 3-0 (LR: 13) Jesse – The Ravens/Raiders game is a lose-lose scenario for me. Either the Ravens will improve to 4-0, get vaulted into the top 5 and we’ll hear all week about how Baltimore is back (lame), or the Raiders will go to 3-1 and ESPN will proclaim that Oakland is the team to beat in the AFC West this year (seriously, so lame).
- Dallas Cowboys, 2-1 (LR: 18) Kevin – Dallas Cupcakes. I’m just throwing it out there. The Cowboys have a cupcake schedule this year. Just wait, this is 2016’s team that has a surprisingly strong season with a respectable record that gets blown out in the playoffs. Can’t wait.
- Kansas City Chiefs, 2-1 (LR: 11) Jesse – Is it just me or is the Chiefs offense really bad this year? I mean they force eight turnovers and only win by 21 points? They should’ve won that game by at least 40.
- Cincinnati Bengals, 1-2 (LR: 8) Kevin – Are we allowed to start calling them the Bungals again? Please?
- Oakland Raiders, 2-1 (LR: 16) Jesse – Sure Oakland, you enjoy your wins over the Titans and the Saints. I mean ESPN thinks that puts you on the threshold of being real contenders, so go nuts. Throw a party in Las Vegas or something. In fact, you can even stay there if you want.
- New York Giants, 2-1 (LR: 12) Kevin – They lost to the ‘Skins, they have road games against the Vikings and Packers coming up. I foresee a couple more drops in the rankings in the near future.
- Houston Texans, 2-1 (LR: 6) Jesse – Uh oh. Things went from bad to worse for the Texans when J.J. Watt wound up on the IR this week. But that’s okay, they still have Brooks Osweiler to carry them to the playoffs, right? Right guys? Um… guys?
- Detroit Lions, 1-2 (LR: 20) Kevin – After a loss against the Titans (Ha!) and the Packers (Less of a ha!), the Lions hope to aid the Bears’ attempt to match the Lions’ own historic 0-16 season on Sunday. Pretty sure the Lions will screw this up too.
- Atlanta Falcons, 2-1 (LR: 17) Jesse – “The Falcons have now scored a franchise-record 104 points through their first three games but somehow have only a plus-13 point differential.” Well, no shit. Have you seen how bad their defense is, ESPN? Cam Newton is gonna dance and dab like he’s making up for lost time, which he is because the Broncos and Vikings actually, you know, play defense.
- New York Jets, 1-2 (LR: 14) Kevin – I wanted to make a joke for each one of Ryan Fitzpatrick’s picks in last week’s game. It was tough:
- Ryan we said we wanted you to bring a 6 pack, not 6 picks!
- Ryan will struggle to remember each pick like Antonio Cromartie struggles to remember his kids.
- When asked why he didn’t throw 7 picks Ryan answered with, “Because seven eight nine!”
- When asked if the 6 picks had a special meaning to him Ryan said, “I threw 6 picks to raise awareness to my 6 figure student loan debt from Harvard. I think the government needs to bail me out, kind of like how I bailed out the Chiefs today!”
- Rumor has it that LeBron James was in the locker room prior to the game trying to pump Ryan up. “Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five…”
- Washington Redskins, 1-2 (LR: 25) Jesse – Man, the bottom half of these rankings is just an endless chasm of crappy teams. No Kirk, I don’t like that, but ESPN likes you enough to move you up five spots before you play… the Browns?! Oh boy. I’ll see you in the top 16 next week.
- San Diego Chargers, 1-2 (LR: 19) Kevin – My colleague called this one last week, “Bad ESPN. You know you can’t trust the Chargers to reward your faith for moving them up so much. Watch them get blown out by the Colts, an 0-2 team, this weekend.” Okay it wasn’t a blown out but either way, good job Jesse.
- Buffalo Bills, 1-2 (LR: 30) Jesse – They’re going to be really disappointed in Buffalo when they find out that the Cardinals aren’t that good this year. They’re going to be beyond depressed when they lose to the Patriots and whichever quarterback Bill Belichick trots out this weekend. My money’s on Uncle Rico.
- Indianapolis Colts, 1-2 (LR: 23) Kevin – Colts have the Jags and Bears up next. Even after they go 3-2 they better not budge in these rankings.
- Los Angeles Rams, 2-1 (LR: 28) Jesse – Apparently, ESPN isn’t aware that Jeff Fisher is over .500 for the first time in eight years (thanks Ryan) or they’d be totally losing their shit. “Oh my god! Can you believe what’s happening in Los Angeles? The Rams are for real!”
- Miami Dolphins, 1-2 (LR: 29) Kevin – Someone please explain how an overtime victory over the Browns pushes a team up 4 spots. How does that happen ESPN?
- Tennessee Titans, 1-2 (LR: 21) Jesse – I feel like ESPN’s expectations for the Titans are way too high. Last week, they dismissed Tennessee’s 1-1 record and this week they gave us this gem: “The Titans need to work on ball control if they want to win some games.” Do you have these guys making the Super Bowl this year or something, ESPN? Get real.
- New Orleans Saints, 0-3 (LR: 24) Kevin – Oh god, how many 0-3 teams are there? Is it possible that all 4 could go 0-16 because they are all playing like it.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-2 (LR: 22) Jesse – Come on, Bucs, how do you find yourselves in a shootout with the Rams of all teams? Jeff Fisher’s squad didn’t even have a touchdown before they locked horns with you. That’s just sad, guys.
- Jacksonville Jaguars, 0-3 (LR: 27) Kevin – Oh hey their next game is in London against the Colts! The Americans are giving a 1-5 gift to London, how…nice? Don’t be surprised if London regifts the present to someplace like Albania.
- San Francisco 49ers, 1-2 (LR: 31) Jesse – Thanks a lot, 49ers. I stood up for you last week and you made me look like an idiot! You’re on your own from now on (or you know, at least until you start winning again).
- Chicago Bears, 0-3 (LR: 26) Kevin – The Bears have lost to Brody (or is it Brian?) Osweiler, Carson Wentz, and Dak Prescott. Just pointing that out.
- Cleveland Browns, 0-3 (LR: 32) Jesse – What do you want me to say, Browns? It’s not my fault that you keep doing Browns things at the end of every game (interception near the end zone, missed field goal that would’ve won the game, etc). No, I’m not going to talk to ESPN for you and see if they’ll bump you up since you’ve been trying hard. Show me something this week and I’ll think about it.