Here’s the thing. Kevin and I both stayed up late last night to watch the
Indians blow a 3-1 lead Cubs win the World Series, and we’re both pretty tired today. The fact that we even got these rankings to you before the Thursday Night Game is nothing short of a miracle. So I hope you forgive us if we don’t even really pretend to offer any real analysis this week. We pretty much spend the whole article giving ESPN a hard time. Without further adieu…
…let the roast begin!
- New England Patriots, 7-1 (Last ranked 1) Jesse – To answer your question, ESPN, no it’s not a surprise that the Patriots are ranked no. 1. You’ve had Tom Brady’s dick in your mouth for the past 15 years. The surprise will be when you stop heaping endless amounts of praise on the Pats.
- Dallas Cowboys, 6-1 (LR: 4) Kevin – Remember a few weeks ago when I started calling the Cowboys the Cupcakes because of their Cupcake schedule? Well they play team #32 this week, the Cleveland Browns.
- Denver Broncos, 6-2 (LR: 3) Jesse – If the Raiders win this Sunday, the Broncos will tumble out of the top 5 and be teetering at the back of the top 10. If the Raiders lose, they probably won’t be punished and may even move up a spot. Such is life on the ESPN NFL Power Rankings.
- Seattle Seahawks, 4-2-1 (LR: 2) Kevin – Does a top 5 team lose to the Saints? And why do I even have to ask that question?
- Green Bay Packers, 4-3 (LR: 6) Jesse – Case in point. The Packers lost last week to a team that wasn’t even in the top 5 and yet they went from no. 6 to no. 5. ESPN will always look out for its favorite teams.
- Oakland Raiders, 6-2 (LR: 11) Kevin – Oh god, ESPN is hyping up Sunday’s matchup of the Broncos and Raiders by making both teams a top 6 team. Which mean if the Raiders, miraculously, beat the Broncos they will surely be a top 5 team next week. Insert screaming emoji here.
- Minnesota Vikings, 5-2 (LR: 5) Jesse – What else can go wrong for the Vikings this season? If they hadn’t just moved into a new stadium, I’d be nervous that their roof was about to collapse. Just like that one time!
- Pittsburgh Steelers, 4-3 (LR: 8) Kevin – Can we not include the Roethlisberger-less Steelers in the top ten please?
- Atlanta Falcons, 5-3 (LR: 10) Jesse – Even if the Falcons occasionally revert into their self-destructive ways, they should still come out on top in the NFC South. There’s no way they can blow that, right?
- Philadelphia Eagles, 4-3 (LR: 12) Kevin – Ouch, this Eagles season has really skidded to a halt. Poor Jesse, it’s tough being an Eagles fan.
- Kansas City Chiefs, 5-2 (LR: 9) Jesse – I hate the Chiefs with about every fiber in my being, but here’s a team that won last week and fell out of the top 10. That doesn’t seem right. Then again, it’s a lot of fun to laugh at their misfortune.
- Arizona Cardinals, 3-4-1 (LR: 7) Kevin – Can we just blow up the Cardinals season and let them start over? ESPN swears they are good but they just aren’t breaking through. Lead them out back ESPN, let them lie in peace.
- Cincinnati Bengals, 3-4-1 (LR: 13) Jesse – Screw you, Bengals. It wasn’t bad enough that I was already dealing with one tie game for this season. Now there are two? You guys suck. I hope Marvin Lewis coaches your team until he dies.
- San Diego Chargers, 3-5 (LR: 14) Kevin – Shit, the only possible losses I see on the schedule for the Chargers are the Panthers and one of the Chiefs or Raiders. Which means we have to hear about Philip Rivers and his army of children in the playoffs.
- Washington Redskins, 4-3-1 (LR: 19) Jesse – What are you laughing at, Redskins? I’m pissed at you guys too. Have fun with Kirk Cousins’ inevitable holdout next offseason, you assholes.
- Carolina Panthers, 2-5 (LR: 22) Kevin – The Panthers are feeling pretty good after a solid win over the Cardinals. But watch out, they’re going to Jeff Fisher’s land in
St. LouisLos Angeles and they are 3-4 and thirsty to get to .500 again.
- Houston Texans, 5-3 (LR: 17) Jesse – “If the Texans played every game at home, they’d be one of the best teams in the NFL.” And if I had super strength, I’d be one of the strongest people in the world. Who wrote the rankings this week? John Madden?
- Buffalo Bills, 4-4 (LR: 16) Kevin – Leave it to Tom Brady to crush the Bills back down to earth. Ouch.
- New Orleans Saints, 3-4 (LR: 25) Jesse – Let’s be honest. Drew Brees is not only responsible for winning the Saints three of their last four games, he’s responsible for anything good that happens to that team. Did you see what happened to the Colts when Peyton Manning had to miss a whole season, Saints? That’s your future without Brees.
- Baltimore Ravens, 3-4 (LR: 21) Kevin – “The Ravens could be better than 20th, but they could be a lot worse too”. Wow ESPN that’s some solid analysis. Great job.
- Detroit Lions, 4-4 (LR: 15) Jesse – Alright this is getting ridiculous. “Without balance, the Lions might find it difficult to rise above the middle of the rankings.” And yet the Lions are ranked below six teams that have fewer wins than they do. That alone should put them above the middle of the rankings.
- New York Giants, 4-3 (LR: 18) Kevin – ESPN asks if the Giants are contenders or pretenders? Can’t they be neither? They’re 4-3 and ranked 22! They aren’t even pretending to contend.
- Tennessee Titans, 4-4 (LR: 23) Jesse – ESPN is so impressed that the Titans surpassed last season’s win total that they… left them in the same spot as last week? Not sure who you pissed off over at the Worldwide Leader in Sports, Titans, but you gone and messed up good!
- Los Angeles Rams, 3-4 (LR: 27) Kevin – I just got Madden 17 and I was forced to play as the Rams in the playoffs against Washington. It felt so wrong. But it also felt like I was controlling a 7-9 team. Good work on the realism Madden.
- Indianapolis Colts, 3-5 (LR: 24) Jesse – Speaking of the Colts, they’re going to have to endure life without Andrew Lucky pretty damn soon if he keeps taking so many hits. Dude will probably need about eight neck surgeries.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 3-4 (LR: 20) Kevin – Dammit, I have all three of the shitty Florida teams this week?
- New York Jets, 3-5 (LR: 28) Jesse – Man, Ryan Fitzpatrick is a genius. Step 1 – Sign with a team as a backup. Step 2 – Play well enough for a stretch to convince team that he’s good. Step 3 – Cash in and immediately revert back into being terrible. Lather, rinse, repeat. This is at least the third time that this has worked for him.
- Miami Dolphins, 3-4 (LR: 26) Kevin – “…so if Ajayi keeps up with the big gains and the wins start happening, Miami could make a move in future weeks.” THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING HOW POWER RANKINGS WORK ESPN!
- Chicago Bears, 2-6 (LR: 30) Jesse – I fell asleep during the Bears game the other night and woke up thinking it was a dream. Little did I know it was actually a nightmare for Vikings fans.
- Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-5 (LR: 29) Kevin – Jesse is taking over the Jaguars in our Madden franchise and he wants to move them to London and name them the Werewolves. Personally I think he should just do the humane thing and put the Jaguar down.
- San Francisco 49ers, 1-6 (LR: 31) Jesse – Don’t worry San Francisco, only two years until the Giants’ even year magic kicks in again. Oh wait…
- Cleveland Browns, 0-8 (LR: 32) Kevin – Don’t worry Cleveland at least you have the Indians! Oh wait…