Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
(Remember, every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then I will have four points and Jesse will have two points.)
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Jesse 39 Kevin 39, for the second straight week, no one died, because the writers of this show hate our blog.
- Judith- Last week I mentioned that Jesse and I should retire Judith to the ol’ crib down the street. Meaning, she wouldn’t waste our number one spot each week. But…yes, there is a but…Jesse and I still haven’t discussed this because we’ve been busy discussing Apple’s emojis and our Madden league. Yeah, the real important stuff. Besides that it looks like we are returning to Alexandria again this week! Which means Judith lives to see another day on the death rankings!
- Morgan- One thing I forgot to mention last week. Now that Morgan has found a new home I think he should just keep his mouth shut. Don’t tell Rick and the others. For the love of god, let this new and peaceful kingdom live without Rick bombarding in demanding to be in control and yelling at people, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE OUT THERE! YOU’RE ALL WEAK!”. Please? They have pomegranates!
- Enid- Thank god we are returning back to Alexandria this week. I was running out of closet jokes. I guess you could say I was running out of closet space.
- Rick- In the preview it looks like Rick’s in his, “I don’t give a fuck” phase of leadership. I really hope he doesn’t get out of bed for the next few episodes, tears down the walls of his cubicles and wears jeans to work to really show his lack of caring.
- Jesus- Okay, seriously, I am really losing faith here. Does Jesus not hear me? I want to know where he is!
- Tara- I think I could’ve taken Tara off this list and Jesse would have never noticed.
- Carl- You know when you get in a fight with your girlfriend and you lock her in a closet and you don’t worry about the consequences because you are going to be facing certain death in a few hours but then you don’t die and now you have to come back home and awkwardly let your girlfriend out of the closet? Teenage years man, they’re a bitch.
- Maggie- Damn, Maggie is the elephant in the room of this blog. I never want to make a joke because…well yeah…but at the same time I have nothing good to say to her…so moving on.
- King Ezekiel– Just so everyone is clear, Jesse added Zeke to the rankings. Personally I wanted to add Sheva, his tiger, instead but Jesse insisted. Something about only wanting to rank humans and not animals. Whatever.
- Michonne- I don’t want to get anyone to excited but MICHONNE IS IN THE NEXT EPISODE AND LOOKS READY TO KICK SOME ASS. Ahem, yeah, don’t go crazy.
- Negan- A bully with a bat indeed. Personally I thought his torture techniques on Daryl could use some work. Maybe I’m a psycho but being locked up in a cell with regular meals every day? It could be worse right? Step it up a notch Negan.
- Daryl- An entire Daryl episode and he literally only says one thing. His name. And that was the wrong thing to say! You keep doing you Daryl.
- Eugene- They need to give Eugene something to do. Let him be Zeke’s personal information specialist or something. Perhaps he can watch the tiger. I would love a few shots of Eugene trying to tame that tiger with his nervous ways.
- Carol- Look I know the area everyone is in is pretty well covered by Negan’s men but why doesn’t someone like Carol just sneak away to another state? I don’t even know where The Walking Dead takes place anymore (Atlanta still? Virginia?) but I have to think places like Florida don’t deal with this crazy shit right? Okay maybe Florida was a bad example.
- Dwight – Huzzah! I raise Jesse adding someone to the list last week with my own addition! I mean, I kind of have to add Dwight right? We had an episode teased as a Negan and Daryl episode that ended up being the Dwight show. I get it, Negan only talks to his bat and Daryl doesn’t talk at all so we needed someone moving the action along. But why couldn’t it be Dwight’s hot ex-wife?
- Aaron- Okay, I know what you are all thinking. Who is Aaron? I’m starting to wonder too.
- Sasha- I figure that Sasha and Rosita have the same exact story. Both came from…actually I can’t remember where they came from. Rosita was with Abe’s group right? And Sasha? Hmm…Anyway both fell for Abe and now Abe is dead. Naturally we don’t need two widowed lovers right? One of them has to go.
- Rosita- Uh oh Rosita, with Maggie in mourning and sick, you were going to receive the role of the hot girl on the show. But then Negan’s “wife” showed up and even the psychotic killer himself think she’s the hot one. Between this and Abe’s betrayal, you’re just always second best am I right?
- Father Gabriel- This is it everyone. This is the episode where we will see Father Gabriel or Gregory die…hahahaha…sorry I couldn’t get through the sentence. We are destined for these two to torture us forever.
- Gregory- Dammit. Last week I said, “Okay, unless we see Gregory in a preview ad next episode, he is off this list! I promise” and guess who we fucking saw in a preview? Sorry Jesse, I tried.
- Judith- When Kevin says that we’ve been discussing our Madden franchise, he really means that he’s been rejecting my trade offers for Joe Thomas. That has absolutely nothing to do with Judith, but I needed to make sure that you guys knew about that.
- Rick- Don’t worry, Rick. In about four years, people will be sick to death of Negan’s autocracy and they’ll be ready for some more of the Ricktatorship. Politics go back and forth that way.
- Daryl- In Daryl’s defense, I don’t like to talk that much either. People at my work probably think I’m a major asshole, but really I just like to keep to myself. I feel ya man!
- John Connor Carl- Think Carl will try and pull some pranks on Negan to defy his authority? If he gets caught, will he just get detention or will the whole “chop his arm off” thing be back on the table?
- Tara- Who the hell is Tara? (I’ve made this joke before. That’s about where I’m at with Tara. Recycling old material.)
- Morgan- One issue I have with Walking Dead is that it insists on only showing one specific location or focusing on one section of its cast for an entire episode. This creates a problem, because there’s way too many characters and not enough episodes per season to give everyone a satisfying narrative arc. I’m not sure if the writers adhere to this concept for stylistic purposes or if they simply work within the constraints of what AMC gives them. No doubt that Game of Thrones benefits from being on a premium network with a larger budget, but when Thrones does stay in one place for an entire hour, it’s almost always because there is a huge development taking place. Dead has pulled that off before, twice with a Morgan-centric episode, which is why I’m using this space to rant about it. And I’m not suggesting that there’s anything they can do to fix it, because at this point Dead is more or less stuck in its ways. I just don’t think we need a whole fucking hour to find out that Daryl won’t bow and Dwight reluctantly joined Negan’s army. Rant over. Back to our usual jokes and insight.
- Maggie- If Maggie is Fantine, I have to figure out who Jean Valjean is. Aaron I guess? And before you think I’m trying to be offensive, there is literally no one else to fill that role.
- Enid- Alright seriously, I’m worried about Enid. This is going to be like when Stewie tied up a guy in a trunk and left him there for three weeks. “Yup, he’s dead. Definitely dead.”
- Dwight- How does divorce work in the zombie apocalypse? Did Dwight’s hot ex-wife get half of his stuff? If so, he should have a crossbow with no arrows and a bike with no gas.
- King Ezekiel- Sigh. See, this is the shit I’m talking about. You introduce an interesting new character and now we probably won’t see him again until episode five at the earliest. I feel like someone with a tiger should be on the show every week. Pretty sure that’s in the rules of script writing.
- Negan- Does Negan just recruit people who are assholes? If not, wouldn’t it be pretty easy to overthrow him? These are the things I wonder about when I’m not thinking about what else I could be doing with my time other than watching this show.
- Father Gabriel- Since Sheamus isn’t around anymore, Gabe has inherited my weekly wresting jokes. Maybe since we are back in Alexandria this week, the writers can get Gabe on the preshow or the undercard… this was a lot more fun when Sheamus was around.
- Carol- Piggybacking off of Kevin’s observation, I wonder if states that have legalized marijuana are immune to the zombie apocalypse. In which case, Florida is probably doing alright, no?
- Michonne- Question? Whatever happened to Michonne’s sword? Is it in the back of a closet somewhere or is it stuck in a stone and waiting for someone worthy to pull it out? Alright, this analogy sounded much better in my mind. Moving on.
- Jesus- Believing is seeing, right? Or is it seeing is believing? Wait, that’s Santa Claus. Never mind.
- Rosita- So are Sasha and Rosita going to fight over Gabe now? Or Morgan when he makes it back? Negan would probably put it on pay-per-view and promote it.
- Aaron- There’s a guy named Aaron on this show? Get the fuck out of here.
- Eugene- Would anyone else be surprised if Eugene tried to con his way into Negan’s group? It’s what he does.
- Sasha- Seriously, there’s a lot of money to be made in ultimate fighting in the zombie apocalypse.
- Gregory– Dammit. First he doesn’t even exist and now we can’t get rid of him.