Welcome back for another round of Power Ranking Ramblings! The rankings that we crank out every week are identical in order to the nonsensical ones that ESPN spews out every week. This is partly because creating power rankings from scratch is a painstakingly lengthy process and Kevin gave me the death glare when I suggested that we come up with our own. However, the main reason we do it that way is because ESPN’s rankings are… well, they are just awful. You will seldom come across something as overly biased and ill-conceived as ESPN’s opinion on who the best teams in the league are. And it’s a lot of fun to call them out on this, so the point of our rankings is to rip on ESPN’s version as much as possible.
Or at least that’s how it started. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but it’s been a fairly abysmal year for the NFL. Bad officiating, bad games and most importantly, bad teams. There are three squads in each conference who have a legitimate shot at winning the Super Bowl, and after that it’s a whole bunch of meh. So while making fun of the Worldwide Leader in Sports and its rampant stupidity is always a good time, we can scarcely allow the league’s overall mediocrity to skid by unscathed.
While we didn’t get this out before the Eagles/Giants game started, go check out ESPN’s moronic meanderings…
…and then see how many picks Eli has thrown by the time you get back and read ours. Happy holidays everybody!
- Dallas Cowboys, 12-2 (Last ranked 2) Kevin – Wait, I thought we were off the Cowboys hype train? No? They beat the Bucs and they’re back on top? Can this season end already?
- New England Patriots, 12-2 (LR: 2) Jesse – If you had told me the Broncos would lose to the Pats after holding them to just 16 points, I would’ve been… well actually, I wouldn’t have even been surprised. Nor will I be if they hold the Chiefs to 10 points on Christmas and we still lose. The offense is terrible and has been all year, and to be honest it’s too late to do anything about it. Maybe they’ll be better next year. Maybe.
- Seattle Seahawks, 9-4-1 (LR: 7) Kevin – Oh yes, the Seahawks beat the Rams three days after Jeff Fisher is fired and ESPN has to shoot them to the top three. Any team that wears neon green should be put straight to the top.
- Oakland Raiders, 11-3 (LR: 4) Jesse – “The Raiders are officially back in the playoffs for the first time since 2002.” The Broncos have only had two losing seasons since 2002. It could always be worse, people.
- Atlanta Falcons, 9-5 (LR: 6) Kevin – “Julio Jones has missed the past two games, but that hasn’t stopped the Falcons from scoring 40-plus points in each…Moral of the story…” Moral of the story is that they played the god awful Rams and the even more god awful Niners.
- Kansas City Chiefs, 10-4 (LR: 3) Jesse – God damn, what am I on a freaking AFC West tour? As if I’m not reminded often enough that the Raiders and Chiefs are better than the Broncos this year? At this point I don’t really care if we make the playoffs or not (it’s not like we’re going back to the Super Bowl with THAT offense), but if we can play spoiler and ruin our rivals’ momentum these last two weeks, I will consider that ending the season on a high note.
- Pittsburgh Steelers, 9-5 (LR: 8) Kevin – Ever since I moved to Cleveland there is only one thing that Browns fans and I agree on, screw the Steelers.
- New York Giants, 10-4 (LR: 5) Jesse – “Since Week 6, Odell Beckham Jr. leads the NFL in receiving yards (814) and receiving touchdowns (nine). The Giants are 8-1 in that span. Coincidence? Probably not.” So when your best players are doing well, that means you are more likely to win more games?! Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, ESPN.
- Green Bay Packers, 8-6 (LR: 11) Kevin – I didn’t watch the game but they only beat the Bears by three? The Matt Barkely led Bears? Top ten team for sure.
- Baltimore Ravens, 8-6 (LR: 12) Jesse – Man, I’m glad we’re not playing the Ravens the next two weeks. Not because I think they’d beat us (they probably would) but can you imagine how boring that game would be? With those two defenses and largely inept offenses? I don’t know if there’s ever been a game that ended in a scoreless tie, but that could be exactly how that would play out. Glad we don’t have to find out.
- Detroit Lions, 9-5 (LR: 9) Kevin – Cowboys and Packers up next? Could the Lions squander their playoff hopes? Duh. They’re the Lions.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 8-6 (LR: 10) Jesse – Here’s another gem: “The Bucs are now 1-5 this season when turning it over multiple times in a game.” So teams lose more often when they turn the ball over too often? No way! Get the hell out of here!
- Denver Broncos, 8-6 (LR: 13) Kevin – I’m visiting Denver for the holidays right now. Jesse came over to watch the Broncos game last week. I think we both fell asleep. Seriously can this season be over?
- Miami Dolphins, 9-5 (LR: 18) Jesse – “Maybe QB Matt Moore should be a starter? In his past 10 starts (dating back to 2011), Moore is 7-3 and has thrown 19 touchdowns to six interceptions. ” The Texans would be holding on line 1 for this guy, but they’ve already paid their backup $70 million.
- Washington Redskins, 7-6-1 (LR: 14) Kevin – They play the Bears this week. Is it really fair that the Redskins get a bye week so close to the playoffs?
- Tennessee Titans, 8-6 (LR: 16) Jesse – Again, the methodology of these “rankings” continues to contradict itself. The Titans beat the Broncos (I know, it sucked) AND the Chiefs, and yet they are ranked below both of them. If you can’t even stick to your own reasoning for this madness, then I’m not sure why you even bother explaining it to us, ESPN. That or someone on the Titans slept with the wife of an ESPN higher up. I can’t think of any other good excuses.
- Houston Texans, 8-6 (LR: 17) Kevin – Osweiler got benched against the Jaguars. Osweiler. Got Benched. Against. The Jags. You cannot make this stuff up.
- Indianapolis Colts, 7-7 (LR: 24) Jesse – Jim Irsay’s explanation last week for sticking with his mediocre coach and clueless general manager? “We could be right now 10-3. That could be us if the ball bounces a little bit differently.” I mean, I suppose you could also be 10-3 if you hired some competent people who actually know what they are doing, but that’s none of my business.
- Cincinnati Bengals, 5-8-1 (LR: 20) Kevin – The Bengals will have a losing season for the first time since 2010. Which means the Bengals are finally back to normal!
- Minnesota Vikings, 7-7 (LR: 15) Jesse – Remember earlier this season when I was defending the Vikings as being the best team in the NFC? Yeah, Kevin paid me to say all that. He just wanted me to look stupid for awhile. No, I swear! Ask him!
- Carolina Panthers, 6-8 (LR: 22) Kevin – Hey the Panthers might not be so terrible after all! That must make their one fan who stayed on the bandwagon happy!
- Arizona Cardinals, 5-8-1 (LR: 19) Jesse – The Cardinals had the fantasy football MVP leading their offense this year and they still only have five wins. Good grief, how bad would they be if he wasn’t there?
- New Orleans Saints, 6-8 (LR: 23) Kevin – Apparently the Saints are dangling Sean Payton to other teams. Too bad it’s two years too late.
- Philadelphia Eagles, 5-9 (LR: 27) Jesse – I know Browns fans are bemoaning the decision to trade the pick that turned into Carson Wentz, but if they had drafted him it would’ve probably played out less like the first half of Philly’s season and more like the second half. Based on how many quarterbacks Cleveland has gone through, Wentz may have not even made it to the second half of the season.
- Buffalo Bills, 7-7 (LR: 25) Kevin – The Bills can still make the playoffs? The 25th best team? Can we just cancel this season? Fake a lockout or something. Just end it.
- San Diego Chargers, 5-9 (LR: 21) Jesse – “The Chargers have already been eliminated from the playoffs, but you’d think that Saturday’s game against the winless Browns is a must-win for San Diego.” You know losing to the Browns would be the ultimate embarrassment when you can’t make the playoffs but still consider your game against them a must-win. ESPN would never let you hear the end of that one guys.
- Chicago Bears, 3-11 (LR: 28) Kevin – ESPN tells me that the Bears suck but they are close to not sucking so bad. Alright.
- Los Angeles Rams, 4-10 (LR: 30) Jesse – Jeff Fisher is gone and I can’t think of any good jokes for the Rams. Way to take the fun out of the end of your season, Rams.
- New York Jets, 4-10 (LR: 26) Kevin – Please Jets fans, don’t let your children watch the game against the Pats this week. Cover their eyes. Let them watch an R rated movie instead. It will be less of a blood bath at least.
- Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-12 (LR: 31) Jesse – Gus Bradley had 14 wins in a little less than four seasons in Jacksonville. 14. Including the playoffs, the Broncos won 15 games last year. It could always be worse, folks.
- San Francisco 49ers, 1-13 (LR: 29) Kevin – The Niners are 1-13 and on a 13 game losing streak. Their last win? Against the Rams. Guess who they play this week? 2-13 here they come!
- Cleveland Browns, 0-14 (LR: 32) Jesse – What are the chances that the Browns win one of their last two games and somehow gift the 49ers with the first overall pick? Considering it’s the Browns we’re talking about, I’d say those odds are pretty high.