Welcome back for another round of Power Ranking Ramblings! The rankings that we crank out every week are identical in order to the nonsensical ones that ESPN spews out every week. This is partly because creating power rankings from scratch is a painstakingly lengthy process and Kevin gave me the death glare when I suggested that we come up with our own. However, the main reason we do it that way is because ESPN’s rankings are… well, they are just awful. You will seldom come across something as overly biased and ill-conceived as ESPN’s opinion on who the best teams in the league are. And it’s a lot of fun to call them out on this, so the point of our rankings is to rip on ESPN’s version as much as possible.
Or at least that’s how it started. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but it’s been a fairly abysmal year for the NFL. Bad officiating, bad games and most importantly, bad teams. There are three squads in each conference who have a legitimate shot at winning the Super Bowl, and after that it’s a whole bunch of meh. So while making fun of the Worldwide Leader in Sports and its rampant stupidity is always a good time, we can scarcely allow the league’s overall mediocrity to skid by unscathed.
Thanks for sticking with us this year. We’ll be back next season.
- Dallas Cowboys, 13-2 (Last ranked 1) Jesse – Maybe the Cowboys are actually pretty good? Or at the very least better than anyone in the NFC? Since they got Kevin excited and convinced him that the wheels were coming off the bandwagon, Dallas beat Tampa and then crushed Detroit on Monday. It’s kind of like being really excited to open one of your presents on Christmas, only to be disappointed when it turns out to be something else than what you were expecting.
- New England Patriots, 13-2 (LR: 2) Kevin – I was about to use this space to rip on ESPN for not putting the Patriots in the first spot over the Cowboys. And then I read what I wrote, hated myself for defending the Patriots, took a walk to calm myself down and then deleted what I wrote. This season sucks.
- Kansas City Chiefs, 11-4 (LR: 6) Jesse – Yeah yeah, the Chiefs whooped the Broncos on Christmas. Let’s not spend any more time talking about it than necessary.
- Oakland Raiders, 12-3 (LR: 4) Kevin – This gif (which happens to come from my favorite show, Survivor) sums up Derek Carr’s injury pretty well. The girls are Raiders fans and ESPN. The guy represents all Broncos fans.
- Pittsburgh Steelers, 10-5 (LR: 7) Jesse – “During the Steelers’ six-game winning streak, Le’Veon Bell has averaged 181.8 scrimmage yards per game and scored seven touchdowns. He has averaged 5.2 yards per rush in that stretch as well. So in other words: Bell is good.” I would make a sarcastic remark here but considering that Le’Veon carried me to a championship in fantasy football, I have no choice but to concur. Bell is good!
- Seattle Seahawks, 9-5-1 (LR: 3) Kevin – I’m sorry but I clicked on the Seahawks page on ESPN and saw a headline that said, “49ers have chance to spoil Seattle’s shot at No. 2 seed”. Excuse me while I laugh uncontrollably. The only thing the Niners spoiled is their shot at the number one pick because they couldn’t lose to the Rams one out of two times.
- Atlanta Falcons, 10-5 (LR: 5) Jesse – “The Falcons are on pace for 535 points scored this season, which would be the most for a team since the 2013 Broncos scored 606.” Those were the days, huh people? I hate this season. And I miss Peyton.
- Green Bay Packers, 9-6 (LR: 9) Kevin – “Aaron Rodgers has reconnected with Jordy Nelson during the Packers’ five-game winning streak.” I feel like TMZ should use part of that sentence as a headline, “Aaron Rodgers has reconnected with Jordy Nelson…Is he cheating on Olivia Munn???” You’re welcome TMZ.
- New York Giants, 10-5 (LR: 8) Jesse – Come on ESPN, this is the Giants you’re talking about. You know that Eli and the offense are going to look completely mediocre until the playoffs start, and then he’ll magically transform into Joe Montana and start shredding people. We’ve already seen this movie twice.
- Detroit Lions, 9-6 (LR: 11) Kevin – “The Lions’ two most decisive losses of the season have come in Weeks 15 and 16…” huh, sounds like my fantasy team.
- Miami Dolphins, 10-5 (LR: 11) Jesse – Well, at least we don’t have to root for the Patriots this weekend. Not that I have any love at all for the Dolphins, but good grief we have been through enough this season.
- Baltimore Ravens, 8-7 (LR: 10) Kevin – “If the Ravens lose Sunday to the Bengals, they’ll have finished .500 or worse in three of the four seasons since winning Super Bowl XLVII.” Look it doesn’t make the pain of the Broncos’ playoff loss to them that year go away. But it sure as hell helps.
- Washington Redskins, 8-6-1 (LR: 15) Jesse – “Run the ball, win the game.” I’d like the Broncos’ coaching staff to write that about 100 times each for me after class.
- Denver Broncos, 8-7 (LR: 13) Kevin – Missed the playoffs? La, la, la, I can’t hear you. We’re on to 2017.
- Houston Texans, 9-6 (LR: 13) Jesse – Here lies every fantasy team that drafted DeAndre Hopkins. Their deaths were presided over by Brock Osweiler.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 8-7 (LR: 12) Kevin – Speaking of 2017…I have a feeling the Bucs are going to be ESPN’s new favorite baby next year. Just wait.
- Tennessee Titans, 8-7 (LR: 16) Jesse – “Marcus Mariota‘s injury is a heartbreaker, but no matter what the Titans do in Week 17, this season will be considered a success.” Wow, took you all season and Mariota getting hurt to come around, huh ESPN?
- Arizona Cardinals, 6-8-1 (LR: 22) Kevin – The Cardinals went from the NFC Championship to missing the playoffs? How embarrassing. I bet their fans are sooo embarrassed. I can’t imagine a larger fall from grace…
- New Orleans Saints, 7-8 (LR: 23) Jesse – Wait, the Saints have been 7-9 in three of the past four seasons? Are we sure that Jeff Fisher isn’t secretly coaching this team?
- Minnesota Vikings, 7-8 (LR: 20) Kevin – “…especially when you traded your 2017 first-rounder for QB Sam Bradford.” This sentence should not exist. Sam Bradford and first-round should have never been written together. Ask the Rams, ask the Eagles and now ask the Vikings.
- Cincinnati Bengals, 5-9-1 (LR: 19) Jesse – You’re right, ESPN. I’m sure that’s all that’s wrong in Cincinnati. Replace the damn kicker and everything would be just peachy.
- Indianapolis Colts, 7-8 (LR: 18) Kevin – “(Andrew Luck) may have the skill set, but it’s not translating to wins recently.” Stop ESPN. Stop that horrible, terribly, awful take and go in the corner and feel bad about what you said. Luck has the skill set. But his team isn’t translating it to wins. Don’t suck him into that.
- Philadelphia Eagles, 6-9 (LR: 24) Jesse – The Eagles’ season fell apart after they started 3-0? Wow, what a bunch of jabronis. I can’t even fathom how big of a letdown it would be if they had started 4-0 and then unraveled…
- Buffalo Bills, 7-8 (LR: 25) Kevin – Anthony Lynn went from the RBs coach to the Offensive Coordinator to the Head Coach in 16 weeks. I would say he’s all the way up.
- Carolina Panthers, 6-9 (LR: 21) Jesse – I think Kevin is right. Von Miller broke Cam Newton. He may never be the same again.
- San Diego Chargers, 5-10 (LR: 26) Kevin – Thank god for the Chargers. Seriously just when you think this is the worst season ever the Chargers storm into Cleveland and change everything.
- Chicago Bears, 3-12 (LR: 27) Jesse – “Say what you want about QB Jay Cutler, but he has never thrown at least three interceptions in back-to-back games, something fourth-year QB Matt Barkley just accomplished for the Bears.” I’m sure that will help Bears fans sleep better at night, knowing that Cutler isn’t as atrocious as Matt Barkley.
- Jacksonville Jaguars, 3-12 (LR: 30) Kevin – Wait the Jags, Niners and Browns won this week? Are we sure? Did anyone actually watch these games to confirm?
- New York Jets, 4-11 (LR: 29) Jesse – Even when Ryan Fitzpatrick loses, he wins. If he can’t land a backup gig for next season, he got paid millions of dollars to suck this year and has a freaking degree from Harvard to fall back onto. As for the Jets, well, when they lose, they lose big. Often in embarrassing fashion.
- San Francisco 49ers, 2-13 (LR: 31) Kevin – You had two chances to lose to the Rams! Both times the Rams had different head coaches! Your reward was the number one pick in the draft! And you guys screwed it up! You pulled a bigger Cleveland than Cleveland did!
- Los Angeles Rams, 4-11 (LR: 28) Jesse – “Jared Goff is 0-6 as a starter this season. Johnny Manziel (2014) is the only first-round rookie QB to go winless with multiple starts since 1995.” Because when you can trade for the no. 1 overall draft pick and use it on the next Johnny Manziel, you just have to do it!
- Cleveland Browns, 1-14 (LR: 32) Kevin – It’s only natural that I get to end this column and this season with Cleveland, my new city. I’ve been here for an entire season. I have witnessed the Browns through the city’s eyes. With that in mind I want to say something to all of my Browns friends and any Browns readers we might have. Run away. Well, I mean, stay in Cleveland because it’s cool and we are friends but please stop supporting this team until they prove something. Anything more than 1 win. It’s for your own health. Just trust me. Start going to more Tribe games. Or get into Cribbage. Hell, pick up heroin, anything is better than this.
You wrote this one great….I think I’m going to write your name on a $2 bill
Sent from my iPad