Author Archives: Jesse Schaffer

Welcome to the Champ’s Asylum

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If you live under a rock and haven’t heard, last night was kind of a big deal for Cleveland. Lebron James, through sheer will and perhaps a little bit of help from God, led the Cavaliers to a title and sent the entire city of Cleveland into a frenzy. Nothing is getting done there for at least two weeks, and the fact that the Cavs became the first team to come back from a 3-1 series deficit in the NBA Finals is just the icing on the cake. Plus, most Warriors fans are Raiders fans, so them being sad today makes this writer extraordinarily happy. It’s the simple things in life that you treasure.

So what does any of this have to do with wrestling? Well, as you may or may not know, Dean Ambrose is also from Ohio. Cincinnati, to be exact. He is probably all too aware of the decades of suffering that Cleveland has endured, so I find it quite poetic that on the same night that Lebron brought a championship to his hometown, Dean Ambrose shocked the wrestling world and became the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

I would say that you can’t write this stuff, but you can. And they did.

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Von Miller and the Broncos Will Find Common Ground

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Contract negotiations in sports are like relationships. You have to compromise, talk things out and come to an arrangement that makes both sides happy. Oftentimes, feelings are hurt and that will cause someone to lash out or send a not so subtle message about how disgruntled they are. Look no further than Von Miller’s somewhat comical cropping of a White House picture that left John Elway on the outside looking in.

Maybe these negotiations are more like high school relationships?

Nevertheless, from Elway “lowballing” Miller to Von supposedly threatening to sit out the season if he doesn’t get the deal he is looking for, the prevailing theory is that tensions are high between the Broncos and their franchise player, making the likelihood that a new contract will be reached dismal at best. It’s kind of pathetic how much drama the media tries to fabricate surrounding these situations every year. What’s really alarming is how many people seem to take the bait, hook, line and sinker.

My prediction? You will hear a lot more about how contentious these talks have been, only to watch as Miller signs a long-term deal by the July 15 deadline that will either make him very rich or super rich. A lot of journalists will feign surprise even though absolutely no one should be surprised. Here’s why.

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Cautious Optimism for WWE’s New Era (And the Brand Split)

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Up until this morning, I was going to title this column, “The Hypocrisy of WWE’s New Era.” What followed was going to be a lengthy tirade about how the “New Era” was nothing more than a shiny paint job covering the same product that WWE has been cranking out for most of the decade: an authority figure running Raw (usually a McMahon),  cliche storylines being favored over quality wrestling matches with stakes and the wrestlers that the smarks preferred constantly being cast aside and buried in favor of the “face” of the company. I had intended on being wonderfully cynical and brutally sardonic.

But then I woke up the other day and heard about the upcoming brand split. Heard how Smackdown is going to be a live show now and will feature its very own roster of superstars. Supposedly, this will help make Smackdown relevant for the first time in years, a move that many fans have clamored for since… well, for a pretty damn long time. It also suggests that maybe WWE isn’t just spewing out empty promises when it refers to the New Era and that it actually plans on capitalizing on its talented and promising roster.

Of course, there’s always the chance that WWE could blow this. They have an uncanny knack for doing just that.

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Broncos QB’s Will Be Better in 2016 (Seriously)

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If you’ve been watching SportsCenter lately, you know that the experts don’t think much of the Broncos’ chances to defend their Super Bowl title. Apparently, the team is about to endure its first losing season since 2010, when some guy named McDaniels was sent by Bill Belichick to ruin the Broncos flaming out as a head coach. The losses of Brent (or is it Brad?) Osweiler, Malik Jackson and Danny Trevathan are insurmountable. Never mind the fact that the Broncos had some of the worst quarterback play in the league last season, or that Super Bowl MVP Von Miller and members of the No Fly Zone still spearhead the NFL’s no. 1 defense. The “experts” have spoken and 2016 is going to be a horrible year at Mile High, right?

Well, maybe for Sports Authority, but for the team? Not so much.

I don’t think I have to defend the idea that despite the loss of two starters, the defense will be pretty good again this season. Probably damn good. I also believe that it won’t be overly difficult for the Broncos to improve on their quarterback situation from a year ago, and that is indeed an idea worth exploring. Hit the jump and we’ll take a look.

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The Jungle Book: Much More than a Bare Necessity

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One thing that irks me about Hollywood these days is the overwhelming amount of remakes that are churned out. We have become so inundated by reboots, retellings and retries that we sort of just accept it as the way things are. When a guy like Michael Bay sets out to ruin our childhood by butchering Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we don’t get that upset about it because we expect to be disappointed.

My girlfriend tells me that I’m too cynical when it comes to movies and that is probably true to an extent, but often times these remakes are shameless cash grabs. There’s no effort to honor the spirit of the original story or to enhance it in any way, because they know people will go see it regardless of how much care is taken to produce a quality film. The same could’ve easily been true for The Jungle Book and considering how difficult it must be to create a successful live-action adaptation of a boy hanging out with talking animals, I’d say my skeptical attitude was well-founded.

Which is why it thrills me to admit that The Jungle Book is the rare remake that put all of those fears to rest. There’s no better feeling than to brace yourself for the worst and then receive the best.

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Step Up: A Relationship Rite of Passage

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This probably struck you as an interesting choice for a movie review before you even started reading it, so allow me to put it into context for you. I’m probably not the first guy who was asked to watch Step Up with his girlfriend, but I was probably one of the first guys who had to convince his girlfriend to watch Step Up with him.

My girlfriend is nice enough to watch a lot of comic book films and other nerdy stuff with me, so it’s only fair that I get enthusiastic about watching chick flicks with her. And maybe it’s because the reputation of this series has gone down the toilet thanks to numerous straight to DVD sequels, but she was REALLY hesitant to watch this with me. She was convinced that I would hate it. It took some prodding, but eventually she agreed. We watched it and the following exchange ensued.

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Zootopia: You Can Be Anything You Want

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Life’s a little bit messy. We all make mistakes. No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you. 

My mistake was waiting so long to post this one. Sorry about that, but hey, change starts with me!

I normally find it to be in bad taste when I don’t come up with my own title for a movie review. The whole reason I started doing that was to force myself to try and think of something catchy and original (even if they wind up being dull and played out). So why did I renege on that pledge for a film featuring a plethora of furry animals? To put it simply, I think that Zootopia summed itself up better than I ever could. And what is it, you may ask?

It’s another astonishingly thoughtful and finely crafted animated movie from Disney, with characters that adults will connect with more than their kids.

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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: A Different Side of Tina Fey

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I always admire actors who are willing to try something new. The ones who are determined to showcase a different layer of their abilities and connect with audiences in a genre that they aren’t known for. Will Ferrell in Stranger than Fiction. Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. Steve Carell in Dan in Real Life. Comedic actors in particular seem to be keen to prove that they aren’t just good for a laugh and secretly have a plethora of emotions that are just waiting to be unleashed.

Tina Fey has also thrown her name into that hat before, and while Whiskey Tango Foxtrot doesn’t always provide the smoothest platform for her performance, it is this writer’s opinion that there’s more to Fey than just comedy. It’s just a shame that it doesn’t take place in a more focused movie.

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Insurgent: About as Creative as this Title

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I should begin by saying that I wasn’t in the greatest state of mind when I watched Insurgent. It was an emotional weekend for my family and my girlfriend was sick as a dog, so it’s not like I was all cheery and rosy, the kind of mood you should be in before you fire up Insurgent in your blu-ray player. Or your DVD player. Okay, fine, on Netflix. Damn kids and your streaming.

The problem with Divergent was not with its entertainment value, but its inability to separate itself from other entries into the dystopian young adult genre. Apparently, Insurgent didn’t learn anything from its predecessor and is perfectly okay with being the sequel we all knew was coming. If you’ve seen The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, you’ve seen this movie. A much more enthralling and engaging version of this movie, and therein lies our issue.

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Divergent: More Young Adults in the Apocalypse

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Ever since The Hunger Games burst onto the scene back in 2012, one of the new trends in Hollywood is to adapt any and every dystopian young adult novel into a movie. Something about post-apocalyptic tales of teenage angst and romance just screams dollar signs. The Maze Runner, The 5th Wave and of course Divergent are the most notable attempts to cash in on this genre.  

The challenge, of course, becomes how well do these movies stand out from each other? Can they carve their own path and be successful or do they just shamelessly rip off The Hunger Games? I can’t speak for Maze Runner or 5th Wave since I haven’t seen them, but reviews suggest that they may be uninspired.

As for Divergent, the third one in the series comes out tomorrow, with part 2 of the finale due out next year. Splitting the adaptation of the last book in a trilogy into two parts is another Hollywood trend that I wish they’d stop, but I digress.

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