Welcome to our second annual mock draft. Enjoy our lame jokes and infinitely lamer picks. As last year, Kevin and I take on the role of playing GM for all 32 teams and take turns making selections. Kevin had the honor of choosing between the top two tackles in last year’s draft as the Chiefs, so I get to go first this year as the Texans.
1. Houston Texans- Jadeveon Clowney, DE South Carolina:
Jesse: Media pundits and talking heads have been trying to convince us all week that the Texans won’t be taking Clowney here. Don’t buy it. Clowney will join forces with J.J. Watt, causing Andrew Luck to crap his pants and Jake Locker to consider another profession so he doesn’t get killed.
2. St Louis Rams- Greg Robinson, OT Auburn:
Kevin: It sure seems like the Rams really want to get out of this spot. It’s like they don’t want the attention or pressure of picking number 2. Are the Rams insecure and bashful? Are the Rams the team that constantly post pictures of themselves on Facebook tagged with, “OMG we are so bad”, hoping that another NFL team will comfort them and explain that they are just in a tough division and things will get better? Its okay Rams, you are loved.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars- Khalil Mack, LB Buffalo:
Jesse: Last year, I predicted that Gus Bradley would try to replicate the strengths of Seattle in his new job by drafting a pass rusher. That didn’t happen and Kevin still gives me crap about it. Moving forward undeterred, I’m making the same prediction this year. Will Gus Bradley make me look like a fool once more? Find out tonight!
4. Cleveland Browns- Johnny Manziel, QB Texas A&M:
Kevin: Oh man, I want to make a Kevin Costner joke so bad. But that’s too easy right? Hmm, come to think of it every joke associated with the Browns is too easy. As is every joke associated with Manziel. They are made for each other. That is how I am justifying this pick.
5. Oakland Raiders- Sammy Watkins, WR Clemson:
Jesse: The Raiders need more playmakers, period. Matt Schaub needs someone to throw deep to on his play-action bootleg that isn’t a defender. Makes sense to me.
6. Atlanta Falcons- Jake Matthews, OT Texas A&M:
Kevin: I actually think the Falcons want a playmaker with this pick. But the board doesn’t fall that way.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Mike Evans, WR Texas A&M:
Jesse: Lovie Smith would love to have another receiver to pair with Vincent Jackson. You know who else loves receivers? The Lions. They just can’t get enough of them, especially when it comes to getting them in the top 10 in the draft. In this mock, the Jags passed on a receiver at no. 3. If they wind up taking Watkins and the Lions trade up to ensure they get Evans, then this won’t happen. And that means I just wasted all this space trying to defend my reasoning for this pick.
8. Minnesota Vikings- Blake Bortles, QB UCF:
Kevin: One reason I decided on Bortles here was because of Peter King. He wrote about how they are a perfect fit and signs are pointing to this happening. And then he released his official mock draft and stated that he is not buying the rumors of Bortles and the Vikings. You were the one supplying the rumors, King! Professional Journalists are the worst, am I right?
9. Buffalo Bills- Eric Ebron, TE North Carolina:
Jesse: Supposedly, this guy is the next Vernon Davis. If that’s true, I look forward to Doug Marrone getting in a verbal altercation with Ebron on the sideline during a game, banishing him to the locker room and then cutting a promo on him in his post-game interview. “Cannot play with them. Cannot win with them. Cannot coach with them. Can’t do it.” Actually, I can’t really see Marrone doing anything that entertaining. However, if Ebron falls to the Giants, we could get plenty of Tom Coughlin death glares in his direction. I’ll take that.
10. Detroit Lions- Darqueze Dennard, CB Michigan State:
Kevin: Did I predict this pick because Dennard went to Michigan State and Detroit is in Michigan? Of course not. I predicted Dennard because I want the Lions to be the team of insane first names. Ndamukong and Joique, please welcome Darqueze. Hey you have your draft strategies, I have mine.
11.Tennessee Titans- Justin Gilbert, CB Oklahoma State:
Jesse: Gilbert is considered by some to be the best corner in this draft and the Titans need a corner. Simple as that. Just so you know, I offered to trade this pick to one of Kevin’s teams and he turned me down flat. I even heavily implied which team he should use for the trade and he still wouldn’t go for it. Talk about a buzz kill.
12. New York Giants-Aaron Donald, DT Pittsburgh:
Kevin: Donald seems to be rising up everyone’s draft boards. And the Giants love them some defensive linemen. They need a wide receiver but they are far too conservative to use a high pick on one.
13. St. Louis Rams-Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S Alabama:
Jesse: Oh man, you should have seen the look on Kevin’s face when I stole Clinton-Dix right before he wanted him. The glare he gave me. It was beautiful. Tom Coughlin doesn’t have anything on Kevin Gavelda.
14. Chicago Bears- Calvin Pryor, S Louisville:
Kevin: I really, really, really wanted Ha Ha Clinton-Dix to fall to the Bears. Mostly because I wanted to say Ha Ha Clinton-Dix outloud and try not to laugh. Impossible. Instead I went with the next best safety with a far less entertaining name.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers- Taylor Lewan, OT Michigan:
Jesse: One of the main reasons that the Steelers haven’t made the playoffs in three years, other than the fact that Tim Tebow cursed them into oblivion, is that Ben Roethlisberger has been getting killed the past two seasons. It does seem like its poetic justice that a guy who raped someone has been pretty much getting gang-raped himself on the football field lately, but if he gets better protection he’s fully capable of guiding the Steelers back to the playoffs.
16. Dallas Cowboys- Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA:
Kevin: Dallas seems to be a wild card in most drafts. I never have a clue where they are going. But they replaced Demarcus Ware with Jeremy Mincey. I’m guessing they’ll want to boost their pass rush and Barr is the man to do it.
17. Baltimore Ravens- Zack Martin, OT Notre Dame:
Jesse: With “The Blind Side” moving on to Tennessee, the Ravens have a need at tackle. Apparently, Martin can play any position on the offensive line and that makes it unlikely he’ll last this long. You’re about to see a lot of this with my last eight picks.
18. New York Jets- Odell Beckham Jr, WR LSU:
Kevin: If you enjoy reading about numerous Wide Receivers getting picked in a small blog’s mock draft then hold on to your hats because here we go! I have given the New York Jesters a lot of crap for their offseason moves. Apparently I am the only one with a working calendar because a Michael Vick, Chris Johnson duo in 2014 is not that scary to me. And while Eric Decker might be a pretty good receiver he tends to disappear in big moments. But combine Decker with Beckham and incumbent Stephen Hill and you have at least ensured that Vick or Geno Smith will have a chance next year.
19. Miami Dolphins- Xavier Su’a-Filo, G UCLA:
Jesse: I spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure out who the hell to draft here. Meanwhile, Kevin’s iPad was freaking out and he couldn’t get it to open what he wanted it to. It was mildly amusing and very distracting. I also still have no idea who the Dolphins would even consider drafting here, so this is good a guess as I can muster.
20. Arizona Cardinals- C.J. Mosely, LB Alabama:
Kevin: Two things I wanted to desperately do here but I could not manage to pull off. First, I wanted to draft a quarterback but I just couldn’t get myself to say Derek Carr without laughing (similar to Ha Ha Clinton-Dix but for different reasons). Once I bypassed that idea I wanted to draft Mosely and make a Star Wars joke to Jesse. I wanted to call him C.J. Mos Eisley but it was probably too big of a stretch. Personally I think he should change his name. Either way the cantina song is stuck in all of our heads right now.
21. Green Bay Packers- Kony Ealy, DE Missouri:
Jesse: Kevin pays me back in kind for taking Clinton-Dix from him earlier by stealing Mosley from me here. The funny thing is if I had to do this again, I would have been targeting Ryan Shazier for the Packers anyway. Hindsight is 20/20, people.
22. Philadelphia Eagles- Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon State:
Kevin: When I made this pick I stated that Chip Kelly would sprint to the podium to make this selection. Jesse enjoyed the imagery so I thought I would share it with you all. Sure the easy pick here is Lee from USC but Cooks had the fastest 40 time at the combine and when I think fast, I think of Chip Kelly. I mean, I doubt Kelly is fast but he certainly loves his fast players.
23. Kansas City Chiefs- Marqise Lee, WR USC:
Jesse: The Chiefs were the surprise team of the NFL last year, but they did it without many big time players on their offense. I should know, I had Jamal Charles on one of my fantasy teams and he was scoring an ungodly amount of points every week because they had no one else to turn to. If there’s one thing that Andy Reid loves more than drafting fat linemen, it’s passing the ball. And screwing up clock management situations. And eating barbecue. Lee will be pleased with the former, furious with the middle and not surprised at all with the latter.
24. Cincinnati Bengals- Morgan Moses, T Virginia:
Kevin: Generally rule of mock drafts, if you have no clue go with the best available offensive lineman.
25. San Diego Chargers- Kyle Fuller, CB Virginia Tech:
Jesse: Fuller is the best corner in this draft and is someone I have targeted for the Broncos. This would break my heart, but the Chargers need help in their secondary.
26. Cleveland Browns- Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St.:
Kevin: It sickens me to fictionally choose a Buckeye for my fictional GM role (Hey! It’s like I am playing Kevin Costner playing GM for the Cleveland Browns!). But I did. The wide receivers are thin at this point, so why not grab a local kid and throw him across from Joe Haden. And as long as my buddy Jesse doesn’t pick another Buckeye for my beloved Broncos, I think I will be okay.
27. New Orleans Saints- Cody Latimer, WR Indiana:
Jesse: Not sure if you’ve been paying attention to the happenings out in New Orleans, but Drew Brees has been losing weapons left and right. Darren Sproles? Traded to the Eagles. Lance Moore? Released. Sure those guys might have dropped off a bit, but that leaves Jimmy Graham as the only legitimate weapon left in the arsenal (Marquise Colston shows up every few games). Now Brees could probably line up with a bunch of a mannequins at wide receiver and still throw for over 4,000 yards, but Latimer gives the Saints a big play threat that they currently don’t have.
28. Carolina Panthers- Jason Verrett, CB TCU:
Kevin: Does anyone feel like the Panthers are the bizarro Falcons? Since the Falcons are a team that way underachieved last season it almost seems unfair that they have such a high draft pick to further bolster their solid team. Meanwhile the Panthers way overachieved last season and it seems unfair that they have such a low draft pick that will do very little to address all of their needs. They need a Steve Smith replacement but Jesse just took a wide receiver from Indiana with a first round pick. That is not a good sign.
29. New England Patriots- Ra’Shede Hageman, DT Minnesota:
Jesse: Pretty much everyone is mocking Hageman to the Pats, which pretty much means that it’s not going to happen. The Pats love to do the exact opposite of what everyone believes they’re going to do in the draft.
30. San Francisco 49ers- Kelvin Benjamin, WR FSU:
Kevin: And now I am scraping the bottom of the barrel of wide receivers. Only because the 49ers can afford to take risks and they need another playmaker offensively.
31. Denver Broncos- Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St:
(Kevin’s Note: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
Jesse: Kevin’s personal grudge against the Buckeyes aside, this would be a killer selection for Denver. Shazier is the most athletic linebacker I’ve seen in a while and would be a perfect fit next to Danny Trevathan and Von Miller. Inside linebacker has been a need position for the Broncos for years, and even if the times have changed in this pass happy league, Shazier is too good to pass up. The only problem is I don’t think he’ll be making it past the early 20’s. John Elway will have to trade up to get him.
32. Seattle Seahawks- Stephon Tuitt, DE Notre Dame:
Kevin: I don’t want to talk about this team. When I was a young lad, I loathed the Seahawks. Nearly as much as the Raiders. And when they moved to the NFC I was relieved and horrified. Happy that we wouldn’t face them twice a year anymore. Scared shitless that they would beat us in a Super Bowl. I am not making that up. It’s like my 12-year-old gut was telling me about the terrible future. Plus throw in the fact that I desperately wanted the Broncos to draft Russell Wilson. I thought that he could play for the Rockies during the Manning era and then step in as quarterback afterwards. So yeah, February was a tough month for me to say the least. Anyway, the Seahawks continue to bolster their killer defense here.