We meant to get this up much sooner than we did (like sometime close to the end of the draft). Hopefully this will be the beginning of a streak of high activity here at Pegboard, but I’ve made that promise in the past and I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth once more. That happens enough on its own, anyway. In this piece, Kevin and I revisit our mock draft and comment on who was actually picked. Most of this stuff actually happened. Mostly.
1. Houston Texans-
Real Pick: Jadeveon Clowney, DE South Carolina
Our Prediction: Jadeveon Clowney, DE South Carolina
Kevin: This is how the draft started, the Texans picked Clowney and Jesse jumped up on the table and exclaimed, “I AM THE KING OF MOCK DRAFTS! BOW DOWN TO ME!” While he popped open a bottle of champagne and sprayed it all over his basement. True story. We then spent the next 8 minutes attempting to pronounce Jadeveon.
Jesse: Only ESPN, the TMZ of sports, could’ve spewed out enough b.s. to make the Texans passing on Clowney seem like a realistic possibility. If Clowney lives up to the hype, the Texans are going to make life miserable for opposing quarterbacks. And I will always refer to him as Clowney, because Jadeveon is just too difficult to pronounce.
2. St Louis Rams-
Real Pick: Greg Robinson, OT Auburn
Our Prediction: Greg Robinson, OT Auburn
Kevin: Hey, it took two years but the Rams finally made their second overall pick! And it was a tackle! Exciting times. Meanwhile Jesse and I were about four shots in celebrating our perfect mock draft. We even sent our résumés into ESPN.
Jesse: Before Kevin made this pick during our mock draft, he literally said, “I’m probably wrong about this one.” Mocking Joeckel over Fisher to the Chiefs last year has scarred the man for life.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars-
Real Pick: Blake Bortles, QB UCF
Our Prediction: Khalil Mack, LB Buffalo
Kevin: In case you missed our mock draft this is what Jesse had to say about this pick, “Last year, I predicted that Gus Bradley would try to replicate the strengths of Seattle in his new job by drafting a pass rusher. That didn’t happen and Kevin still gives me crap about it. Moving forward undeterred, I’m making the same prediction this year. Will Gus Bradley make me look like a fool once more? Find out tonight!”. I love Gus Bradley.
Also, Jesse was a stressball up until this point. Peter King hinted pretty heavily that the Broncos might trade up to draft Bortles. Let’s just say this was the first “fuck you Peter King” we heard of the night but surely not the last.
Jesse: I hate Gus Bradley. And fuck Peter King.
4. Cleveland Browns- Buffalo Bills-
Real Pick: Browns trade pick to Buffalo Bills. Bills select Sammy Watkings, WR Clemson
Our Prediction: Johnny Manziel, QB Texas A&M
Kevin: Did Donald Trump buy the Bills already? Or perhaps Al Davis’ ghost? DID AL DAVIS’ GHOST TAKEOVER DONALD TRUMP’S BODY AND FORCE HIM TO BUY THE BUFFALO BILLS AND THEN FORCE HIM TO MORTGAGE THEIR FUTURE FOR A FLASHY WIDE RECEIVER?!? That is the only reasonable explanation for trading next year’s pick.
Jesse: This is the kind of deal you make when you’re one player away from being a real contender, like the Falcons did when they traded up for Julio Jones. The Bills were 6-10 last year, so I’ll let you do the math on that one.
5. Oakland Raiders-
Real Pick: Khalil Mack, LB Buffalo
Our Prediction: Sammy Watkins, WR Clemson
Kevin: This is a dark day. The Oakland Raiders made a good choice. I have no ridicule. I have no jokes. Just a heavy sigh and I move on.
Jesse: You can thank the first four teams for allowing a golden opportunity to fall right into Oakland’s lap. We just didn’t appreciate the final drafts of the Al Davis era enough, folks.
6. Atlanta Falcons-
Real Pick: Jake Matthews, OT Texas A&M
Our Prediction: Jake Matthews, OT Texas A&M
Kevin: At this point I doubled the amount of correct predictions I had from last year and took the lead over Jesse. Being a calm and collected winner is a very honorable thing. So naturally I flipped over Jesse’s table, grabbed a bottle of champagne and threw it against the wall of his basement and exclaimed, “WHO HAS THE THRONE NOW BITCH??”. When he tried to argue I said, “Scoreboard” over and over again until he finally gave up.
Jesse: For whatever reason, I read the last paragraph in Aaron Paul’s voice. Maybe it’s because Kevin threw a Jesse Pinkman-esque quote at me in all caps or maybe he is secretly a drug dealer. Thanks to Breaking Bad, it’s impossible to tell who is living a double life these days.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-
Real Pick: Mike Evans, WR Texas A&M
Our Prediction: Mike Evans, WR Texas A&M
Kevin: This is unprecedented. Jesse and I did absolutely zero minutes of research prior to our mock draft. And here we are doubling our points from last season. At this point we were out of tables and champagne. Plus ties are boring. So we sat there in awkward silence awaiting the next pick.
Jesse: Yep. What he said. Now excuse me while I go take a nap.
8. Minnesota Vikings- Cleveland Browns-
Real Pick: Vikings trade pick to Browns. Browns select Justin Gilbert, CB Oklahoma St
Our Prediction: Blake Bortles, QB UCF
Kevin: The “fuck you Peter King” count is up to about four now. And we begin a new count where we count how many times Jesse asks me to remind him who the Browns took with their first pick. Justin Gilbert, Jesse.
Jesse: Who the hell is Justin Gilbert?
9. Buffalo Bills- Minnesota Vikings
Real Pick: Bills trade pick to the Browns who trade pick to the Vikings. Vikings Select Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA
Our Prediction: Eric Ebron, TE North Carolina
Kevin: Jesse is pretty happy that his pick got all messed up. Why? Because now there is a great chance that Ebron could drop the the Giants and he would get to see many Coughlin death glares. Don’t worry Jesse, Coughlin will have plenty of stuff to death glare at.
List of Death Glare Opportunities for Tom Coughlin:
- Victor Cruz’s new salsa dance routine.
- The new Star Wars movies.
- Roughly 38 Eli Manning interceptions.
- The new iPhone 6 (after he just figured out how to use his gosh dang iThing-a-majig 5).
- Chip Kelly sprinting to podiums.
- His QB depth chart.
- Aloe Blacc’s 300th rendition of “The Man” thus far.
- Trindon Holliday’s ball security.
- Robert Ayers’ everything.
- His entire 2014 team.
Jesse: Such a tease. I underestimated Tom Coughlin’s ability to disappoint me and then he shattered my dreams a few picks later. Now I know how it feels to be a Patriots fan.
10. Detroit Lions-
Real Pick: Eric Ebron, TE North Carolina
Our Prediction: Darqueze Dennard, CB Michigan State
Kevin: So now Jesse is visibly upset. I’m pretty convinced that the only thing Jesse wanted to see tonight was the Giants selecting Ebron. He just isn’t the same the rest of the night.
If you recall our 2013 mock draft, I came up with the greatest solution to Manti Te’o’s public relations problem. Basically he needed to team up with Skype and make some self-depreciating commercial. It would have solved everything! Well my marketing geniusness is back at it again. Adidas or Reebok or whomever wants to take down Nike should sign Ebron right now. And every commercial he is in should have this catch phrase, “Eric Ebron, the Lebron of football, with the L”. Get it? L stands for “loser” or “losing”. And Lebron loses…well okay he doesn’t anymore. So I guess this is a stretch. Don’t judge me.
Jesse: While Kevin boldly plots out his future as a major marketing executive, I would like to take this opportunity to pronounce my sympathy for Lions fans. Not only did you guys hire the most uninspiring coach on the planet, but now when Vernon Davis 2.0 throws a tantrum on the sideline, we will be then be bored to tears by Jim Caldwell’s post-game press conference. The next season hasn’t even started yet and already that guy is sucking the fun out of everything.
11.Tennessee Titans-
Real Pick: Taylor Lewan, OT Michigan
Our Prediction: Justin Gilbert, CB Oklahoma State
Kevin: I felt vindicated that the Titans stayed put. Jesse was seriously peer pressuring me into making a trade with him during our mock draft. Right before the pick Jesse was excited that the Titans were going to pick Gilbert. I then had to remind him that the Browns took Gilbert. Putting our, “how many times Jesse asks me to remind him who the Browns took with their first pick” count to roughly 7.
Jesse: Enough about this Justine Dilbert guy, I’m still furious that Kevin turned down my trade. Who cares that the real Titans didn’t even consider it, because most real people hardly ever consider the Titans when they think of good teams.
12. New York Giants-
Real Pick: Odell Beckham Jr, WR LSU
Our Prediction: Aaron Donald, DT Pittsburgh
Kevin: I was pissed because I came very close to making this pick for the Giants. Jesse was still pining for Ebron. We are both giving our own Coughlin Death Glares at ESPN right now.
Jesse: I would say “fuck Tom Coughlin,” but he did play a hand in stealing two Super Bowls from Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. Short of a major terrorist attack, there is nothing this man could do to make me hate him.
13. St. Louis Rams-
Real Pick: Aaron Donald, DT Pitt
Our Prediction: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S Alabama
Kevin: More Coughlin Glares! Jesse was all smug about Ha Ha Clinton-Dix going to the Rams. And the Rams completely betrayed him! I haven’t seen Jesse this upset since the Mass Effect 3 ending.
Jesse: Hold your horses folks, because Kevin is about to be knocked off of his high one.
14. Chicago Bears-
Real Pick: Kyle Fuller, CB Virginia Tech
Our Prediction: Calvin Pryor, S Louisville
Kevin: Speaking of smugness, I was counting the fake money Jesse and I bet at this point. I was so confident that Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was going to be a Bear that I was already coming up with hilarious jokes. Like “Ha Ha Bear-Dix.” Or, “at least Bears fans have something else to laugh at other than Jay Cutler interceptions”. So I was pretty shattered with the Bears chose Kyle Fuller. One a positive note, I have now cracked Chicago’s drafting strategy. Reach for a player named ‘Kyle’. It has happened two years in a row now. So I guarantee I will nail their pick next season! I’m already looking at 2015 mock drafts in preparation.
Jesse: Not to be outdone, here is my list of my favorite Kyles in the world:
- Kyle from South Park
- Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights)
- Kyle Ort… nope, forget this idea. There just aren’t enough famous Kyles.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers-
Real Pick: Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St
Our Prediction: Taylor Lewan, OT Michigan
Kevin: Jesse was pissed off. He wanted Shazier pretty badly and for whatever reason Jesse was super angry that the Steelers of all teams picked him. Not sure why the Steelers irk him so bad. Perhaps he blames them for Jake Plummer’s early retirement? I’m pretty sure Jesse would have been upset no matter who the Steelers picked. He is irrational towards them. Kind of how I am irrational towards Buckeyes. When Jesse mocked a Suckeye to us I was pretty upset. Thankfully the Steelers prevented that horrible result right? No Suckeyes for the Broncos!
Jesse: Kevin has been a fan of Pittsburgh most of his life because of the freaking Penguins. Any rational football fan who doesn’t live there would loathe the Steelers and their six god damn Super Bowls. And the player I wanted the most in this draft had to go to a team with a history of punishing linebackers and great defense? You’re damn right I’m pissed off. Now I have to root against this guy for the next 10 years.
16. Dallas Cowboys-
Real Pick: Zack Martin, OT Notre Dame
Our Prediction: Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA
Kevin: Just as we finished our rough pitch of a reality show staring Johnny Manzie, Dez Bryant and Jerry Jones, the Cowboys went and made a logical pick. Damn. The Cowboys and Raiders really disappointed me this season.
Jesse: There was no logical reason for the Cowboys to draft Manziel, but it caught fire anyway. That kind of shit happens when the owner makes all of the roster decisions for his franchise. I did love the idea of that reality show, though.
17. Baltimore Ravens-
Real Pick: C.J. Mosely, LB Alabama
Our Prediction: Zack Martin, OT Notre Dame
Kevin: I thought Jesse was only irrationally angry towards the Steelers stealing potential Broncos’ picks. Not the case. He was extremely mad at the Ravens. He just hates teams that do intelligent things in the draft. At this point I was scooting over on the couch as far as I could. I didn’t want to risk a Todd Bertuzzi-esque sucker punch.
Jesse: As angry as I was, I wasn’t willing to risk committing a felony by clocking Kevin when he was half-expecting it. I would have waited until he had his back turned and then I would have gone full-Bertuzzi on him. The only silver lining is that the last time I wanted the Broncos to draft a linebacker from Alabama and a team that I detest stole that linebacker from them, his name was Rolando McClain. Fingers crossed, people.
18. New York Jets-
Real Pick: Calvin Pryor, S Louisville
Our Prediction: Odell Beckham Jr, WR LSU
Kevin: Seriously guys, stop with the jokes. You cannot tell me that the Raiders, Cowboys and Jets are doing intelligent things in the draft. Come on Jets! This was the perfect time for a punter or another quarterback! At least take a cocky wide receiver. You’ve changed Jets, you’ve changed and I don’t like it.
Jesse: I really don’t have anything bad to say about this. Pryor was a solid pick and it continues a productive off-season for the Jets. Along with the signings of Michael Vick, Eric Decker and Chris Johnson, this transaction makes Rex Ryan’s squad better than the one he coached last year. Better than the Pats? No, but they’re certainly capable of making some noise this year. They are also capable of completely imploding. Everything is fair game.
19. Miami Dolphins-
Real Pick: Ja’Wuan James, OT Tenn
Our Prediction: Xavier Su’a-Filo, G UCLA
Kevin: Just to update, we are at 43, “Fuck you Peter King” and 32, “Who did the Browns draft?” moments. And with that we start a new quote count. How many Ja’Wuan-a-man jokes can Jesse muster up? Incredible he just got picked and Jesse is at 4.
Jesse: I have at least 10 more of those that I developed since then. Get ready Miami, it’s Ja’Wuan-a-man time!
20. Arizona Cardinals- New Orleans Saints
Real Pick: Cardinals trade pick to Saints. Saints pick Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon State
Our Prediction: C.J. Mosely, LB Alabama
Kevin: Well damn, now Chip Kelly won’t be sprinting to select Cooks. We might as well call it a night at this point. What a waste of time.
Jesse: If I get Jimmy Graham on my fantasy team again this year, I now know who to stash on my bench when Graham gets hurt or disappears at the end of the season.
21. Green Bay Packers-
Real Pick: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S Alabama
Our Prediction: Kony Ealy, DE Missouri
Kevin: Jesse talked about hindsight being 20/20 because he would have taken Shazier for the Packers if we had redone the mock draft. Well he still got it wrong. Is his hindsight 20/100? Maybe he should look into Hindsight Lasik.
Jesse: My hindsight is about as lame as my eyesight, but Kevin refuses to let go of the fact that I didn’t mock Shazier to the Steelers. I’m telling you guys, the man has a hard on for Pittsburgh.
22. Philadelphia Eagles- Cleveland Browns
Real Pick: Eagles trade pick to Browns. Browns select Johnny Manziel, QB Texas A&M
Our Prediction: Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon State
Kevin: Does this count? I had the Browns picking Manziel at 4. Wait a minute! The Browns actually had patience and still got their man? Damn damn damn! End of an era people! The Raiders, Cowboys, Jets AND Browns all made decisions that I agreed with. What is this world coming to? Oh well. At least I can take solace in the fact that the Browns drafted Manziel because of a homeless man. And I can remind myself that the Browns picked Brady Quinn and Brandon Weeden at 22.
Jesse: Johnny Football may be overrated as shit and a complete douche, but when was the last time a Browns player had this much media attention? Cough *Josh Gordon* cough! Anyway, if I learned anything from the Tebow circus, this won’t end until Manziel sees the field. For better or worse, Cleveland has to pull the trigger on that soon or it will completely destroy the confidence of every other quarterback on that team.
23. Kansas City Chiefs-
Real Pick: Dee Ford, DE Auburn
Our Prediction: Marqise Lee, WR USC
Kevin: Maybe we should give a point to Jesse. He picked Lee but maybe he meant Dee? They rhyme after all.
Jesse: I love this pick. Instead of giving Alex Smith someone else to throw to, the Chiefs drafted Tamba Hali’s replacement. Does that help them leapfrog the Broncos and even the playing field? Well, not this year.
24. Cincinnati Bengals-
Real Pick: Darqueze Dennard, CB Michigan State
Our Prediction: Morgan Moses, T Virginia
Kevin: Jesse was chanting, “Darqueze” for the entire 10 minute period the Bengals had. It was weird.
Jesse: Kevin was laughing the whole time. Weird indeed.
25. San Diego Chargers-
Real Pick: Jason Verrett, CB TCU
Our Prediction: Kyle Fuller, CB Virginia Tech
Kevin: I’m pretty sure we were flipping coins at this point. So the fact that Jesse had a corner going to the Chargers was pretty impressive.
Jesse: This is the third player that I wanted the Broncos to get that wound up on a team I hate. This first round was painful.
26. Cleveland Browns– Philadelphia Eagles
Real Pick: Browns trade pick to Eagles. Eagles select Marcus Smith, DE Louisville
Our Prediction: Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St.
Kevin: Well this was a disaster of a pick. I had Roby going to the Browns and then I dissed Roby for being a Suckeye. And now Roby is a Bronco. Football Gods have a sense of humor.
Jesse: I don’t really remember much about what the Eagles’ needs were going into the off-season, but I know that the Broncos dropped 52 points on those guys when they played last year. Chip Kelly needs any defensive help that he can get.
27. New Orleans Saints– Arizona Cardinals
Real Pick: Saints trade pick with Cardinals. Cardinals select Deone Buchannon, S Wash St
Our Prediction: Cody Latimer, WR Indiana
Kevin: I’m not sure if this in the point where my draft knowledge goes out the window or if the Cardinals reached. Maybe the Cardinals thought they said “Ray Buchanan”.
Jesse: The Broncos got a guy in the second round that we had going in the first round. Not that we are draft experts or anything, but that makes me giddy as hell.
28. Carolina Panthers-
Real Pick: Kelvin Benjamin, WR FSU
Our Prediction: Jason Verrett, CB TCU
Jesse: Cam Newton finally gets someone to throw to. If this guy isn’t the second coming of Megatron, it won’t be nearly enough to take the pressure off of him.
29. New England Patriots-
Real Pick: Patriots trade pick to…oh wait…Patriots select Dominique Easley, DT Florida
Our Prediction: Ra’Shede Hageman, DT Minnesota
Kevin: As Jesse astutely pointed out, the Patriots like doing the opposite of what people think. So after years of trading their first round pick they finally stayed put and drafted. And of course since it is the Patriots, I’m sure everyone thinks this guy is the next big thing. Whatever. At this point in the draft the only entertaining aspect is watching Jon Gruden get all puppy-eyed as he listens to Ray Lewis give impromptu locker room speeches.
Jesse: I’m too lazy to look this up and see if I’m actually right, but I’m pretty sure that the Pats almost always pick someone who no one had going in the first round. That’s because Bill Bellichick does whatever the fuck he wants and loves to prove that he’s smarter than everyone else.
30. San Francisco 49ers-
Real Pick: Jimmie Ward, S N. Illinois
Our Prediction: Kelvin Benjamin, WR FSU
Kevin: I thought the 49ers were going to trade back. They collect draft picks like I used to collect Pokemon cards.
Jesse: Don’t be naive, people. Kevin still collects Pokemon cards. And the 49ers needed a replacement for Donte “Hitner,” so this worked out well for them.
31. Denver Broncos-
Real Pick: Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St.
Our Prediction: Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St
Kevin: Okay, I love the pick. Aside for his troubled past (not his arrests, but his association with Ohio St) I do think this was the correct pick. But the first time he says, “THE Ohio St University” on Monday or Sunday Night Football, I’m going to punch Jesse.
Jesse: The way that the board fell, the Broncos had no chance to select Mosley or Shazier. All of the other top corner prospects were long gone by this pick as well. Roby might be a bit of a risk, but he was a risk worth taking and could wind up being a steal. I probably won’t be watching much football at Kevin’s house for the next 10 years though.
32. Seattle Seahawks- Minnesota Vikings
Real Pick: Seahawks trade pick to Vikings. Vikings select Teddy Bridgewater, QB Louisville
Our Prediction: Stephon Tuitt, DE Notre Dame
Kevin: I was actually happy Bridgewater went in the first round. If I were him I would have ran a Pro Day type event at the draft on the stage. Throughout the entire night he could have been behind Goodell just tossing the football to his receivers. Just saying, “See I can throw a football without pads on” until somebody picks him. I think Goodell would have forced a team to draft him just to get him off the stage.
Jesse: Drew Brees had a terrible Pro Day when he was getting ready for the draft. JaMarcus Russell had an excellent one. To be honest, I don’t care what a guy can do when he’s throwing to a bunch of receivers without a defense. All I would care about if I were a Vikings fan is that my team drafted a guy at the end of the first round who at one time was a candidate to be the no. 1 overall pick.
Flimsy Film Critics 