Welcome back to our Walking Dead rankings! This week Kevin tells you who is a bag of bore, wonders about overpopulation and mourns the loss of Buttons the Homophobic Horse. Meanwhile, Jesse won’t let go of Sheamus or John Connor, reminisces about his party days and won’t stop ranting about his desire for blood and death.
Remember, we are awarded points based on who dies and how highly we have that character ranked. For instance, if Glenn dies then Kevin will have five points and Jesse will have six points.
Season Score: Jesse 9, Kevin 8
- Judith- How many times have I started these rankings with, ‘Poor Judith’? A lot. And it continues. This episode we saw Rick interact with one of Jessie’s kids like an actual fun father. He promised the kid more cookies. Meanwhile Rick probably yells at Judith when she doesn’t properly clean her gun.
- Daryl- Strange path the writers took to get Daryl a new bike. First his new pal Aaron asks if he rides horses. To which he replies, “I ride bikes”. Dude Daryl, you can ride horses and a bike, don’t act so offended. And then coincidentally enough this Aaron dude has been collecting bike parts for the last few years? And all of a sudden Daryl is a happy camper? This whole time he was just looking for a new bike? You’re a complicated man Daryl.
- Carl- No cookies for you either Carl! Stop talking to your friends and go shoot some targets dammit!
- Maggie- So Maggie is studying under Deanna, AKA Hillary Clinton. Does that make her an intern? If so, Deanna better watch out for her husband. I’m going to start calling her Maggie Lewinsky.
- Glenn- Being married to a politician is really tough. I feel for you buddy. Looks like you got an early start wooing voters though by comforting Noah. Perhaps you will kiss Judith next week?
- Rick- Oh man Rick, I caught you checking out Jessie twice. First you took a James Bond sip and gave her the ol’ “she will be mine” look. Then later while you were holding your daughter Jessie said, “This place has a pretty amazing view” and you took that moment to undress Jessie mentally and nod your head in agreement. And then the awkward kiss on the cheek. We get it! These two are going to bang! In other news, did anyone notice what street Rick was on at the end?
- Carol- Holy crap Carol is amazing. Do Emmys still exist? If so get this lady one! First she plays the mom role like a champ while discussing recipes with the other ladies, and then she threatens to tie up a child to a tree. Wow. And by the way why does Carol seem to attract the creepiest kids?
- Jessie- Oh Jessie you are in for a world of trouble. It’s like watching one of your friends fall for a douchebag. You just know it won’t end well. Except Jessie isn’t my friend, she is a fictional character. And Rick isn’t a douchebag, he is a killer on the edge of psychotic.
- Enid- Run Enid! Did you see how awkward Rick was with Jessie? Well who do you think Carl is going to take after?
- Lara Croft- I feel like we should call her Rosita this week since she changed out of her costume. I love the look on her face at the party. It’s like she is asking, “Why the hell am I here?”. Don’t worry Rosita, we are all wondering that same thing.
- Eugene- They better have a seriously good reason for not killing you off yet. This list is ridiculous and I blame you!
- Father Gabriel- How have we need had a scene of the Father trying to start a church yet? Or at least have him walk around with a “The end is nigh” sign around his neck!
- Noah- Maggie and Glenn comforting Noah by the wall at the party was like some weird Perks of Being a Wallflower scene. It was awkward and didn’t belong. Which is how Noah felt at the party I guess.
- Tara- Nope.
- Michonne- She hung her sword up above her fire place. Which reminds me that I grew up with a sword allegedly from the Civil War (real, not comics) hanging above my fireplace. I like to imagine that my family put it there just in case zombies did take over the world. Way to look out for me mom!
- Abraham- Seeing Abe and Rosita in normal clothes and trying to fit into the party was hilarious. He looks scared and uncomfortable when he walks in but he then finds out they have beer and relaxes. So that describes how every college party started for me. Awkward to drunk with no in between.
- Sasha- Some random character summed up Sasha perfectly when she used the words, “bag a boar” in the beginning. And dude if you want the walkers to come get you then try taking the silencer off of your gun!
- Deanna- She appointed Maggie as her intern, stated that she wanted commerce and told the young black girl Sasha to listen. She is nailing this politician role. She also foreshadowed her demise by saying that Judith is lucky because she will get to see what this will become. Of course the place will most likely become a burning pit of ash and dead bodies if history is to repeat itself.
- Aaron- I liked his Elmer Fudd excuse to Daryl, “I’m hunting wabbits”. I also like that he introduced us to Buttons the Homophobic Horse. He said that every time he or Eric gets close to Buttons, he gets spooked and runs away. So Daryl tries but Buttons doesn’t get spooked by him just by the walkers. Therefore Buttons is a homophobic horse, either that or he just hates you for giving him that awful name. You can’t imagine how devastated I was that Buttons the Homophobic Horse didn’t survive the episode. I would have totally included him in these rankings.
- Eric- Why did we include you in these rankings? Truthfully I thought you’d be dead in a week. Now you aren’t even going to go on recruitments with Aaron. What a mess.
- Aiden- I am pretty sure that you weren’t in this episode. I’m not totally convinced because some bro introduced himself as Spencer, Deanna’s son. So now there are two of you? When did the end of the world get so crowded?
- Mikey, Ron, Pete- So Pete is a doctor and an alcoholic? So like a young Herschel? Rick are you sure you want to mess with the doctor’s wife? How many doctors are left in this world? Who will help Jessie give birth to your love child? Carl obviously can’t do it again. Think of the consequences!
- Judith – “Thank God,” Judith thought, as she was finally held by someone who isn’t psychotic or a mass murderer. This of course is assuming that babies have higher cognitive capability, which I established long ago that they do not. But that’s what I was thinking.
- Rick – Alexandria’s Constable is a poor man’s Two-Face. He’ll be nice and approachable for now, but man, as soon as Big Bad Rick gets bored, heads will begin to roll. Just wait until he makes Jessie choose between helping him and his group pull off a coup and take over the town, or stay with her husband and die. It’s going to be terrible.
- Daryl – Joke’s on you, Aaron. You may think that Daryl can read people more genuinely than Rick, but Daryl ALWAYS abides with what Rick wants. Even when Rick sent Carol packing way back when, Daryl went along with it even though he was SUPER pissed off when he found out. Just because Daryl likes a person and brings them in to the fold doesn’t mean that he’ll help them if Rick decides that they need to go. You’ve been warned.
- Carl – When Skynet took over the world in The Terminator, I’m pretty sure that John Connor never had a chance to play video games, go to parties or stare awkwardly at girls. It was 24/7 waging war against the machines. Will this hurt Carl’s chances of being the savior of the human race? For the sake of two year’s worth of my jokes, I damn sure hope not.
- Maggie – That’s two weeks in a row that Kevin beat me to the Clinton Administration joke. What’s left for me to say about Maggie? Well, for someone whose sister died just six episodes ago, I’d say she’s holding up quite well. I guess losing every other family member you have will do that to you.
- Glenn – Have not moved Glenn from this spot for quite some time. Am I a lazy bastard or will those six points be the reason that I beat Kevin this season? Time will tell.
- Carol – I love Carol. She says all the shit that you’ve ever wanted to say to anyone but couldn’t, especially children. “Yeah kid, it’s exactly what it looks like. I’m stealing some fucking guns. Say anything and I’ll feed you to the walkers.” Such a bad ass.
- Abraham – What’s that Sheamus? You thought that being Alexandria’s only professional wrestler would be a glorious and beloved position? Too bad that everyone hates wrestling in Alexandria, which means that you have many nights of getting drunk and making a fool out of yourself ahead of you. It’s what an actual wrestler would do, anyway.
- Michonne – I’ve seen soap operas with better love triangles than the Rick/Michonne/Jessie. Don’t look at me like that, there are always soap operas on during the day when I’m working at the gym and there’s nothing else to do.
- Jessie – There has to be more to this than just a loveless marriage pushing Jessie into Rick’s arms, right? Maybe her husband eats babies or used to play poker with the Governor. If not, then I doubt he has done anything worse than some of the shit I’ve seen Rick do, which means you have no idea what you’re asking for here, lady.
- Sasha – Needless to say, I’ve been at a few parties where I felt as out of place and agitated as Sasha did. Granted, that involved a bunch of inebriated morons who I wanted to get the hell away from instead of some courteous adults who just wanted to know what I like to eat, but hey, I’m with you Sasha. I get it.
- Enid – I have no idea if you were around or what you said in the last episode. Unless you were hooking up with Carl or stabbing any other boy who hits on you in the eye, you are utterly forgettable and useless. Please don’t be that girl.
- Father Gabriel – It’s not your fault man. You can’t become a better character if you never get any screen time. In other words, you are the Cody Latimer of The Walking Dead, but don’t worry. Just like Latimer will benefit from the Broncos’ coaching change, so shall you when Rick overthrows Deanna.
- Rosita – My favorite line of the episode: “They have beer!” Haven’t seen anyone that excited for a drink since Denzel Washington in Flight.
- Deanna – I actually like Deanna. She’s a good leader and has a knack for keeping all of the combustible elements of this town in check. Little does she know that Rick’s group is like a plague: they bring death and misery to every place they find themselves in. The CDC, Hershel’s farm, the prison, Woodbury, Terminus. Need I go on?
- Noah – What a great episode to show Noah for who he truly is. Showing up to a party that he only found out about because of his friends and then just killing the energy for everyone involved.
- Aaron – I have nothing to say really. I like Aaron and I hope he sticks around for awhile. No, I don’t like him in the same way that Eric does. Just think he’s a good character.
- Eugene – Fuck you. Just die already.
- Tara – And you! I just don’t plain like you. You’ve had the easiest job on television for almost two years now and I’m just done with you.
- Aiden – Seriously? One good punch and you’re nowhere to be found? You’re the worst bully since Biff Tannen.
- Mikey, Ron, Jessie’s husband – I stand by what I said last week: I have no use for any of you and apparently neither does the show. The streets of Alexandria will run with your blood… wait, wow! That was probably too dark, huh? This show does weird things to me.
- Eric – You still being alive is the most nonsensical thing of all. I don’t expect it to last.