Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead rankings! Just when you thought Pegboards was dead we come back with a fiery vengeance, just like the walkers.
Last season The Walking Dead finally came together to give us a thrilling and engaging season. And every week Jesse and I were here to provide rankings based on who we thought would die next. The further down the list, the most likely they are to die. We give ourselves points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Glenn dies this week then Kevin will have six points and Jesse will have seven points.
In our last season rankings Jesse somehow defeated the great Kevin by a score of 85 to 83. But Kevin’s energy and hustle really proved he is an intangible player for this dynamic duo and he should totally feel great about his efforts.
This week Kevin reminds you that a baby is on the show, introduces Tara 2.0 and compares Maggie to an NFL player. Meanwhile, Jesse gets distracted by the football game he is watching.
Season Score: Jesse 0 Kevin 0
TV Spoilers below (no comic spoilers):
- Judith- Remember when everyone was shocked that there was going to be a baby in this series. How is she going to survive the walkers? How will they feed her? How will she change the dynamics of the group? Well fast forward three seasons later and the question is, there’s a baby on this show?
- Daryl- Doing this rankings before the season premiere is very difficult because I am basing them off of something I watched five months ago. I mean, five months ago I thought I was going to be moving to South Korea, eating kimchi and watching a Korean gameshow called The Genius. Now I am moving to West Cleveland, eating dessert burgers and watching a Korean gameshow called The Genius. So what the hell do I know about what’s going to happen to our favorite guy with a crossbow?
- Carl- Okay so I started watching Fear the Walking Dead despite Jesse and my own uncertainty. I think I finished three episodes. Maybe? That’s how much of an impact the show had on me. The characters were just mind bogglingly dumb and that ruined it for me. I know The Walking Dead has had its problems in the past but at least their season one was engaging and fresh. FtWD was neither engaging nor fresh. Much like our old pal Carl here.
- Morgan- FINALLY! Damn, man seriously. It took Morgan so long to arrive that I feared the show would be cancelled before he arrived. I get being fashionably late but come on bro. I get that there are scenic parts of the zombie country but dude come on.
- Maggie- I haven’t read any spoilers or articles for the upcoming season. But I have seen headlines stating that Maggie is going to be a big play…zzzzzz….oh sorry I lost interest typing the same thing I type every season. Maggie is the quintessential NFL player that is, “in the best shape of his life” in the offseason and then goes on to be downright average and forgettable.
- Glenn- Okay Glenn, this is your big shot. Things are looking up for big Glenn right now. He has a chance to take the reigns away from Rick. To finally be the leader he was meant to be. This is it! This is his time…oh hi Morgan. Oh you want to lead? Okay cool. Glenn go sit in the corner.
- Rick- What a great way to get Morgan in the group. Sure it might be two seasons too late but how great was Morgan’s face when he first saw Rick after he shot Peter dead? That reunion was a long time coming and I did not see it happening that way. I can’t decide who I feel bad for more. Morgan, who has worked his ass off to find Rick while slowly convincing himself that Rick is a trustworthy man, discovering Rick in a horrible position. Or for Rick who is like the cliche guy in all romantic comedies when his girlfriend walks in on him being kissed by another girl. “It’s not what it looks like!”. Either way, “awkward!” comes to mind.
- Carol- Move over Judith. Mama C is the real lil asskicker. I hope she stays that way.
- Jessie- Oh just another cliche love story. Man abuses woman, woman meets sexy new man, sexy new man fights with old abusive man, sexy new man kills old abusive man point blank with a gun…uh and sexy new man…sweeps woman off of her…uh…feet…Yeah as cliche of a happy ending as they come.
- Enid- Hi everyone. This is Enid. I think she might, maybe be important at some point down the road of this show. Don’t worry if you don’t remember her. Just think of her as Tara 2.0.
Lara Croft-Rosita- I am trying my best to call her by her given name. Rosita. I have to say it a bunch to remember. Rosita. Rosita. Rosita. Okay I think I have said her name more than any other character in this show. We should be good now.
- Eugene- Last rankings I wrote, “What’s it like to be friendzoned by a unconscious lesbian?” which is probably my favorite thing I ever wrote. I don’t remember the context which makes it even better.
- Michonne- My girl with the badass sword! You’re pretty damn cool. And I hope to see more of you soon because I am running out of material.
- Abraham- Mother dick, we need more of Abe and his creative cursing. Mother dick indeed.
- Tara- Are you still unconscious? Or just really boring?
- Nicholas, Mikey- Apparently you have a son named Mikey. I thought Mikey was Pete’s son all of last season. I ranked him for a while assuming that is who he was. Alas, I was wrong. So I am throwing him in with you. Although you, Nicholas, got a reprieve from Glenn himself. To be fair I think Glenn has spared every living thing he has interacted with. He is a nice guy so don’t get too cocky.
- Ron, Sam- I compared your father to Ray Rice. So maybe your lives just got a lot better? Is that too harsh? No! Peter was an abusive husband and maybe an abusive father. Good riddance and good luck with Papa Rick kids.
- Aaron/Eric- I remember these guys briefly. I remember them having a makeout session. And I remember a homophobic horse. How can they top that this season? Hopefully by getting me some points in these rankings!
- Sasha- She goes from almost killing Father Gabriel to praying with him. So she goes from almost being my favorite to being forgettable.
- Deanna- Her husband gets his throat slashed and she calls for Peter to die. Brutal. Too brutal to go on living much longer.
- Father Gabriel- He almost died! He almost did! I feel like I should get partial credit or something right Jesse?
RIP Reg, Peter- Thanks guys for the big points back-to-back. And thanks for the brief memories?
- Judith – You know what’s hard? Trying to compile Judith’s top five moments since she’s been on the show. Here, I’ll give it a shot. 1) Her birth meant no more Lori 2) Her supposed death made Rick even crazier and more miserable 3) Uhhhh… fuck this. I’m out.
- Rick – Don’t worry Rick, Morgan will understand. Last time you saw him, he was the one acting all crazy and shooting people.
- Daryl – Okay, now here’s what you need to know about Daryl. He’s aldjfa;ldhfadh fadshgaoweir elkgjl;jg da;lkjfd;adk lsgjlksadgj!!o2riuweoiawruioewu. Sorry guys, the Raiders converted a 4th and 1 as I was typing that. Then I was so mad I forgot what I wanted to say. Much like Daryl forgets why he sticks around all these morons.
John ConnorCarl – Carl is pretty much a teenager now, right? So that dream romance I’ve been hyping up for him the past two years is finally going to take place, right? And none of us are going to care, right? Right!
- Morgan – Hey, better late than never right? Morgan’s episodes on this show have been some of the series’ best, but will he lose his luster as a series regular? Kind of like would I be excited to see Brock Lesnar or The Rock on Monday Night Raw every week? (Um, yes. Yes I would)
- Maggie – It’s fun reading our last set of rankings because it reminds me of some of the ridiculous crap that happens on this show. Like Maggie becoming a politician during the zombie apocalypse. Can’t wait for her opponent in the next Alexandria election to try and slander her. “She married a volatile pizza boy, how can she possibly make good decisions for the town when she screws herself over?!!”
- Glenn – No offense Glenn. Last I remember, you were well on your way to becoming the everyman kind of guy that we all fondly remember. But you can’t go around knocking guys out when your wife is running for office, man!
- Carol – Carol is the shit. Please give us some Carol and Morgan scenes with them just being stoic and badass and I will die a happy man.
- Abraham – Big year for Sheamus everyone. He won the Money in the Bank ladder match back in July, which means he will eventually be the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Which would be awesome if anyone anywhere still gave a shit about Sheamus. Oh, sorry, this isn’t one of my wrestling articles.
- Michonne – There comes a point during every set of Dead rankings where I glance at Kevin’s half (because he usually gets his done before I get around to working on mine) and look for some inspiration when I start running out of ideas. This was that point today, but when I looked at what he wrote for Michonne I was surprised to see that he didn’t have much for her either. Can you say that we’re rusty.
- Jessie – So will she love Rick now for killing her abusive husband or will she be mad at him for pulling the trigger even though she implied that he needed to do something about that guy, a la Lori? Never underestimate this show when it comes to stupidity.
- Enid – Yeah, I know, Carl isn’t exactly the most interesting guy you’ve ever met. But if you ruin yet another love interest angle that I’ve been trying to set up for Carl, I swear I’ll… nah, I won’t really do anything. I lost all interest in that threat before I even finished typing it.
- Rosita – You are now banging Sheamus on a pretty regular basis. Anything else noteworthy that you did last season? No? Okay, moving on.
- Aaron/Eric – These guys seem pretty nice but I don’t recall them being very compelling. And this is quite possibly the only living gay couple of the zombie apocalypse, so you’d think they’d be unique and interesting as fuck. Nope, not the case.
- Eugene – Fuck man, we still aren’t through this thing? I would not be opposed to a mass suicide in the first episode. Give me Daryl, Carol and Morgan and you can have everyone else. My fingers are camping up from all this typing.
- Tara – You are the Bubba Caldwell of this show. You seem utterly useless and yet management never gets rid of you. Don’t ask me why.
- Nicholas, Mikey – I can’t remember why I was so mad at you last time. I also can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning, so don’t get cocky (yeah yeah, I know Kevin said the same thing for Nicholas). As for Mikey, if you’re lumped in with Nicholas, that can only be bad news for you.
- Ron, Sam – I honestly couldn’t even picture what these two looked like without googling them, so I just pictured Thing 1 and Thing 2. It makes no sense but I got a good laugh out of it, and in the end that’s all that matters.
- Deanna – If you’ve watched House of Cards, you know that everyone is basically just out to screw everyone else over when it comes to politics. Not only is that very realistic, but it also suggests that Deanna’s reign is about to come screeching to a halt, especially with her husband dead. And she really thinks she can count on Rick? Stupid, stupid woman.
- Father Gabriel – This guy is actually one of the more complex characters on the show. That means he’s toast, right?
- Sasha – Sorry Sasha, but you know that there can only be so many black people at a time.
RIP Reg and Peter – Because this wasn’t long enough, so let’s pay tribute to guys we didn’t even like.