Welcome back to Pegboards’ Walking Dead Death Rankings!
As a reminder every week Jesse and Kevin will provide rankings based on who they think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.
This week Kevin reminisces about the time he almost shot a rocket launcher. Meanwhile Jesse dishes out some legal advice and takes the heat for a character’s miraculous recovery.
Click here to catch up on our previous hilarious insights.
Click below to see our updated score. Warning: TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):
Season Score: Jesse 50 Kevin 50
Kevin scored 13 points while Jesse landed 11 due to Jessie’s death. Which means, thanks to Jessie, Kevin tied Jesse. On to the rankings!
- Judith- Let’s tally this up, Judith can’t be 100% sure who her dad is. It’s either a dead Shane or a crazy Rick. Her mother is dead. And now her brother has one eye. Just crawl away Judith and never look back. You are better off on your own.
- Daryl- Once upon a time I traveled to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, and on my first day there I was offered the chance to blow up a cow with a rocket launcher. I’m not kidding. I passed because I lacked the money and, you know, life is precious and all of that. I guess the point of my story is if you want to be like Daryl, visit Cambodia, #Tourism.
- Maggie- What’s worse than your husband “sacrificing” himself to save you? Realizing he sent a teenage brat to help you escape. At least Enid will be around to babysit when Maggie is a single mom right Glenn?
- Rick- I give Rick a lot of crap for being such a ridiculous cartoon character. But in this last episode that was full of cartoony and ridiculous moments, Rick stood out as possibly the only character with depth in the show. Okay along with Carol and Morgan. But from his quick thinking to cut off Jessie’s hand to watching his son get shot in the eye to his stoic mowing down of zombies to his confession at the end, Rick had a hell of an episode.
- Carol- Remember the creepy Liz girl that Carol shot? And remember the creepy sixth sense kid that Carol mind fucked? I’m starting to think that Carol should not be left with children. Ever.
- Carl- I wanted to use an ‘eye’ pun here but I just don’t see the point.
- Michonne- Sometimes it’s not enough to just take down the bad guy. She should’ve gone for the Von Miller strip sack and aimed for the gun.
- Morgan- Who here wants Morgan to kidnap Judith and run off from this group to live a peaceful and happy life? Cuz I do.
- Sasha- Let’s recap what Sasha was up to in the first half of the season. She and Abe drove a car. Very slowly. For a long time. They then found a rocket launcher. And they weren’t the ones who got to use it. Sasha is a NPC and we just watched a NPC on a sidequest. Booo.
- Abraham- I’ll be honest, I was hoping the crazy motorcycle guy was going to pull the trigger on you because you were worth one more point to me than Sasha was. These rankings have messed me up.
- Rosita- She has turned into the leader of Tara and Eugene. That reminds me of the time the Denver Nuggets hired a bad coach (Brian Shaw) to coach a bad team. No one is happy about it and it’s best we all forget it happened.
- Tara- You know what would’ve been a great time to kill off some the backlog of minor characters? During the great Battle of Alexandria that just occurred. Seriously how does Tara survive this?
- Glenn- You dropped in the rankings because I fully expect you to be dead, for real, very soon. Most likely in the season finale. Why? Because you have a death wish and you’ve already been miraculously saved twice this season. Third time is not the charm.
- Enid- So you’re ex boyfriend shot your new love interest in the eye and then got impaled by a sword. Love sucks.
- Eugene- I like how his group tried to convince him to stay back. Like, it’s okay Eugene we got this. No seriously, please stay here, you’ll just get in the way.
- Denise- Wait, the wolf changed because of Denise? More importantly, who is Denise again?
- Aaron- Somehow I’ve left you on these rankings but I never put on the wolf guy. How did I screw that up?
- Father Gabriel- OH NOW FATHER GABRIEL IS READY TO FIGHT. OH NOW HE REALIZES THAT HIS GOD GAVE HIM THE STRENGTH TO SURVIVE. OH NOW HE FINALLY TURNED THE CORNER TOWARDS BEING SEMI USEFUL. TWO SEASONS TOO LATE BUB.
RIP Jessie- When Jessie’s youngest (the sixth sense kid) was begging to go with his mom through the horde of zombies, I asked myself what I would do as a parent in that situation. I decided that no matter how tough it was I would do what was best for the kid. Which was obviously to not let her kid walk through the hoard of the living dead. I just feel bad for her more than anything. During her time of peace before Rick, she was beaten by her husband. And then Rick’s group shows up and…her entire family dies. Eek, harsh.
- Judith – You know what would be a fun game? Trying to guess which nameless character gets to hold Judith in the next episode. Because ranking her every week started off very comical and has now become borderline depressing. I need a drink.
- Rick – I was somewhat convinced that Rick was going to die at the end of the last episode. Then I remembered that this show is going to go on forever and there needs to be a lead character. At least Rick was interesting to watch this time, which I don’t find myself saying that often.
- Daryl – Daryl is like the friend you play co-op games with who always skips the interesting cutscenes. Want to see a potentially compelling villain talk? Nope, let’s get back to blowing shit up!
- John Connor Carl – I spent way more time than I should have trying to figure out how you aren’t dead. Then I remembered that I bestowed the title of John Connor upon you and you’re going to need some cool scars if you’re going to be the leader of the human resistance someday. It’s my fault that Carl is still alive people.
- Morgan – Slowly but surely, Morgan has gotten lost in the shuffle of this jam-packed clusterfuck of a show. Can we just have a spinoff featuring Morgan and Carol? Because I’d happily watch that.
- Maggie – Knowing this show, Maggie will think Glenn wants to divorce her because he keeps trying to get himself killed. Which would be hilarious. Pointless and awkward, but hilarious.
- Glenn – Seriously man, it’s the apocalypse. There is no court system. If you really want to be single again, there are easier ways to go about that than to commit suicide.
- Carol – More wrestling cliches surround Carol. Now we’ve completely abandoned the Wolfman storyline and have gone back to Carol and Morgan being reluctant partners. Maybe the writers of this show secretly work for Vince McMahon?
- Abraham – Thank you for not dying. Can’t believe I’m saying that but Kevin would be beating me right now if you had. What has happened to me?
- Michonne – Totally forgot to rank you last week. That’s just where you’re at right now. I’m not happy about it either.
- Denise – If Kevin is stealing my joke about just who the hell you are, things aren’t looking good for you. For your prospects as a character, that is, not your longevity on this show.
- Enid – So now you’re all about the team and want to help just because things look bad for you? Who are you, Terrell Owens?
- Rosita – I predicted a Rosita death this season. While I’m doing some wishful thinking, I also predict that I will win the lottery and that the Nuggets will be NBA Champions this year. Come on guys, be positive!
- Aaron – Yep, forgot to rank you too. Good thing we don’t live in a society that is quick to judge, because people would accuse me of being homophobic for leaving you out.
- Eugene – I love how nice everyone is to you despite having no respect for you. It’s not like you’re ever going to prove yourself or anything.
- Sasha – You just couldn’t be nice and get me 16 points, could you? You’re dead to me Sasha.
- Tara – Loved this exchange with Rosita. “Come on, we’ve got to go help!”/”Um, you see all the Walkers out there, right?”
- Father Gabriel – A character arc is only good if the buildup feels natural and the payoff and resolution feel earned. Not sure how you suddenly found your courage despite being a sniveling weasel the past two seasons, but it definitely wasn’t earned. I swear, this fucking show…
RIP Jessie – There are so many reasons I’m not happy that you were killed off. 1) Kevin tied me because of it 2) You were the hottest girl on the show 3) We had the same name and I thought that was neat 4) Kevin tied me because of it 5) I thought you would become a badass like Carol, overcoming your abusive past 6) Kevin tied me because of it!