Come on in guys for my Survivor Kaoh Rong Episode 1 review where I use classic Survivor quotes to assess the latest episode.

You might recall that I previously wrote about Survivor during the mostly controversial season of Worlds Apart. The emotional baggage behind that season was so intense that I decided to take a break for Survivor Cambodia. And now, in the spirit of Cambodia, I am giving this column a second chance. Will the column step up and seize the opportunity like Jeremy? Or will it be super creepy and fail like Vytas? Let’s find out.

13 episodes, 3 months, 1 sole Survivor blog…Sorry I apologize for that. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Alright, go ahead and take the cap off the pen and click below. Oh and watch out for spoilers crawling into your ear.

I can get loud too! WHAT THE F***? (AKA the quote(s) of the week)

It’s the first blog of the season and I am already breaking my own rules. Usually I would use this space to tell you my favorite quote of the episode. Well this week I’m going to skip over that and tell you my favorite funny moment of the episode.

We have all been there right? We need to write something down so we grab the nearest pen and we begin writing but nothing comes out. The pen isn’t working, you look for a new one before you realize that you didn’t take the cap off! Oh wait, no. No one has ever been there before. No one has ever done that in the history of Survivor or in the history of pens. I’m going to channel my inner Scot Pollard here and say, “I’ve been writing since I was 5 and everyone knows the first rule of writing is to take off the pen cap.”

Poor blondie Alecia. At least she laughed at herself for her mental giant brain fart.

Oh my god these guys are so dumb! (AKA this episode’s worst decision)

I generally like to pick on people who screw their individual game up instead of people making bad decisions for the tribe. For instance, booting Darnell over Alecia was a bad tribe decision. But it was a good decision for Scot and Kyle/Jason because it strengthens their individual games. More on that below.

From an individual perspective, I gotta give this to Tai. Look, Tai is the man. If Sprint was still giving $100k to the fan favorite the check would already be written. He is extremely likable. Which is exactly why he doesn’t need to look for the idol.

Survivor is a tough game to analyze because each individual person needs to play to their strengths. That’s why it’s impossible to give generic advice to anyone who is going on the show. Some people HAVE to look for the idol and find it because they naturally have a huge target on their backs. Meanwhile, for some people, it’s best to leave the idol alone. These are the people who are going to rely on their social connections and their trust to win the game. And that’s really Tai’s only shot.

Tai is so likable that people are either going to target him early or be charmed by him all the way to the end. There is no middle ground for this guy. He was doing a great job integrating himself into a tribe where he felt like he didn’t belong. I could see why he would be worried that he was an easy early boot but in my opinion he should’ve just worked to make everyone love him. An idol might save you once, but he has the skills to survive on his own. He doesn’t need the idol and now he has an even bigger target on his back.

I’ve been bamboozled (AKA what surprised me this episode)

Well two things I learned that I didn’t otherwise know. First, bugs can crawl into your ear and it’s as horrific as you can imagine. And second, sound travels great over water.

But what surprised me the most was how much I found myself enjoying this cast. Going into the season I wasn’t as excited as I normally get. Jeff Probst was working overtime to temper our expectations because of medivacs and injuries. And I wasn’t too thrilled they were pulling the Brains, Brawn, Beauty thing again.

They somehow seem to have pulled it together with a great cast and amazing editing and I find myself actually looking forward to seeing these people play.

Who is this jackass? (AKA who has no shot to win and why?)

Okay this part of the blog was made for Debbie. The original quote was directed at Coach way back in Tocanthins. And now we have Debbie. The self-described female version of Coach. It just tickles me.

I don’t really feel like diving (without goggles) into why Debbie can’t win. I just want to write about how entertaining she is. Seriously go back and watch the episode and listen to her interactions with everyone. This woman isn’t talking to anyone. She’s only talking with herself!

There’s the scene where she is telling Joe how amazing she is in the middle of the group circle. People are having a side conversation and so she continues to raise her voice while listing her accomplishments. She can’t be real. No way.

And then there’s the scene where Neal is asking whether there should be a hole in the fire stick and she continuously says no while simultaneously agreeing with Joe that there should be a hole in the fire stick. For real.

And there’s more! In the scene where Joe suggests she uses the saw and she flat out refuses because it’s unsafe. She then starts swinging around an ax like a madman while making no progress cutting the bamboo whatsoever.

Oh and when Aubrey says thank you to Debbie for taking care of her Debbie responds with, “Yes”. Just yes. Who says yes to a thank you?

I love you Debbie, never change.

Stick to the plan (AKA who is in a good position if they just stick to the plan?)

The Beauty girls are in a great position to go into the merge strong. All three of them seem like rational, smart players that have common interests. And they essentially get to pick which guy they want to tag along with them on their path. If they can just keep it together with each other we might be looking at the Black Widow Brigade part 2.

This is my island (AKA who is running the show)

I would have to say it’s either Kyle or Jason who is running the show. On the one hand, Kyle is a badass bounty hunter who has the social skills to win the game. On the other hand Jason is a badass bount…wait a minute, Kyle and Jason are the same guy? How could Survivor put a guy with two first names on the show and then call him by his last name? What’re they doing to me?

Ahem, anyway, I believe Kyle Jason is in charge of this game. He has a strong comrade in Scot and he has pawns in Jennifer and Alecia at his disposal. He has all of the pieces and he just made a strong strategic move to get rid of the more likable Darnell over the possible goat in Alecia. This might be Jason’s season to lose.

FORGET YOU. GO HOME. GOODBYE (AKA my last words for the fallen Survivor)

What is there to say about Darnell? He didn’t even get a proper first boot edit. That belonged to Alecia. Everything pointed to her going home. Alas, it was not meant to be and the man who dropped a deuce and goggles in the ocean was set out to sea.